Need to sort out bedtime from hell. Going on right now! Long Sorry..

[arfishymeau]

DD is a nightmare at bedtime and I've decided this has got to stop. I sorted something similar out when she was 2, but now she's 3.5 and is much more difficult.

Tonight I got her ready with no problem but she started to tantrum because I confiscated a toy that she had hit me with twice(confiscated after warning).

So, she started a meltdown over the toy - other nights it will be over the toothpaste, changing into pyjamas, face washing etc. Have given up brushing hair at night.

So, she hit me again, another toy confiscated. Escalation of meltdown. I distracted her eventually and calmed her down, then said it was bedtime. We went to her room to choose a book (I had 4 laid out on the bed) and she started to do her delaying routine - wanted to go to the toilet again but only if I locked myself in her room. I refused (she asked me to do that so she could sneak out and rescue the confiscated toys) and so she had another meltdown. I warned her that she was out of time with reading stories unless she went back into her room.

She carried on screaming for me to lock myself into her room from the bathroom then fled screaming to the other side of the house when I opened the door. She ran into her room when I went to get her. I gave her one more chance for a story but she told me to go away. I kissed her, said I loved her and good night.

She started screaming from the hallway. 10 minutes later I went back to ask if she was ready for a cuddle and to be tucked in. She started saying she wanted a book, to go to the toilet, for different pyjama pants etc. I told her there was a potty in her room and that it was now too late for stories.

I left her again, screaming. 10 minutes later I went back in and she'd trashed the room. I said goodnight, kissed her again and retreated.

Which is where we are now. She's screaming.

Bedtime has been difficult for one reason or another for years. She wakes early and I've had enough now. I need a child who goes to bed at 7pm, has stories and goes to sleep.

[arfishymeau]

Update - 2.5 hours later she started to cry in her sleep. I went in to see her and asked if she wanted a cuddle. She shot out of bed and started to scream at me to go away.

She ran out of the room crying and screaming and then said she wanted to go to the toilet by herself. DP said he'd do it but she started to really scream and shout at him to go away. I retreated to the garden and all you could hear was the sound of her screaming 'go away' 'go away and leave me alone' like she was being murdered. It was awful. The neighbours must think we are the most terrible child-beaters.

In the end she ran out to me wailing and screaming and I took her into my room to calm her down and give her a cuddle and find out what was making her so angry. All I could get out of her was that she wanted to go to the toilet all by herself and that she doesn't like this house.

I'm at my wits end. DP said she gave a victory smile when she got into my bed. Seems completely over the top to be screaming so much - and she threw a broom at me. She's only 3.5 fgs. I just get the feeling that there is something not quite right here.

[IamBlossom]

arfishy, it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. I'm afraid as I have no experience of children that age (mine is 21 months) I can't really offer any advice but I wanted to post to say goo dluck with sorting her out. She sounds like a very forceful personality, very strong wiled (aren't they all?) my only suggestion would be to remain strong and consistent and hopefully she will get the message that you are boss....good luck!

xx

[Jaynerae]

I've had the same with DS and DD. DS is now 7 and grown out of it. DD 2.5 and we are going through it now - we have periods of it for a few weeks - then it stops then it starts again. We have the - I need the toilet, I need a drink, I need my rabbit, dummy - whatever it is she can think of as an excuse - so I though right - do all those things before we have bedtime story - so we do - she will still say she needs the toilet again - it is all just delaying tactics. My DD is very sensitive to noise - and this really started around November because of the fireworks. She was petrified, planes going overhead upset her, thunder, car doors slamming you name it - if it makes a noise - she gets upset - and it has just escalated from there. I am consistent - she gets three warnings and if doesn't do as told gets no story - which will lead to meltdown - but I keep consistent so she will eventually learn. If it is after the story has been read - I shut her bedroom door for a couple of minutes, I do the same as you really arfishy, she stops screaming I give her a kiss and cuddle and tuck her in - she starts again I shut the door again. Somethng I have started this week that seems to be working is - I have bought some stickers and a reusable sticker book - she gets to pick a sticker for having a bath, toilet story nicely, and another one in the morning if goes to bed well - I take sticker out of book and put it back on sheet if she misbeahves. She understands that very well - and does not like losing stickers!

Good luck. My thoughts will be with you tomight!

[arfishymeau]

Thanks all! DD messed around for 2.5 hours tonight, but in a baby voice, which was much less stressful.

I've blown up balloons and put treats inside. If she doesn't mess around at bedtime then she can pop one in the morning and get the treat.

Let's see how this goes!

[sandyballs]

Good luck, bad behaviour at bedtime is an absolute nightmare, I remember feeling quite violent towards mine when they went through this phase . I never actually smacked them though, managed to walk away. Love the idea of presents in balloons - what do you put in them?

[catgirl]

sounds like my ds used to be - it felt like we were starting and ending each day by shouting at him. so we introduced a star chart - it has ten stars on it - and a rocket ship stuck with blue-tac - for each morning or evening he gets ready 'without a fuss' (ie wash, teeth, into pjs), then he can move up a star. when he has reached the moon we go to the book shop and he can have any book he wants! We started this after xmas, he was around 3.5. Days are much better now. Also, we did tell him a few days in advance how the star chart was going to work etc to make sure he got the idea.

It surprised us how well it has worked, never having used them before. Was costing a fortune in new books to start with, but I don't mind buying books! One thing I would change is have the number of stars at 13/4, so that a week's worth of good behaviour means a Saturday or Sunday trip to bookshop, although not important if you don't work Mon-Fri. And we would make a big deal of 'oh, only two more times and you get a book'... over the top to start with, but he really got into it and seemed proud to be 'earning' his books.

Good luck!

[catgirl]

ps - has helped his counting too!

[arfishymeau]

Love the rocket ship & counting idea!

We have a star chart too. Has taken 40 days to get 10 stars. I'm thinking of breaking it down into stickers for hair/teeth/face washed as the generic 'get ready without a fuss' has these flashpoints plus the repeated getting out of bed stage.

SB, agree, makes me quite . It's just so relentless, and when she settles at 10pm and then wakes up at 5.45 it makes me want to run screaming for the hills.

The balloons I'm just putting little pound store things in, or a single no additives/preservatives/colourings sweet.

[catgirl]

is she into anything particular ie the rocket could be changed to a princess reaching a castle or something? or a horse jumping fences.... of course she is as likely to be into space rockets as my ds! by the way, I did mine on powerpoint at work - am no artist!

balloons sound a great idea too. good luck.

[motherpeculiar]

am with you ladies

my DD1 (just turned 4) has been doing this for years. We too have just (re) introduced a star chart for this (think she was too young before) and she will get a toy of her choice once she has earned 21 stars (she chose the number 21)

we are trying to address a number of issues with our chart (getting ready in morning, not having tantrums, being nice to DD2, going to bed without massie fuss at night, staying in her own bed at night etc) with mixed success.

It is a NIGHTMARE! espacially when they finally wear themselves out about 10pm and go to sleep and you find that you are so knackered after all the messing about you can't do anything other than go to bed yourself. Or else stay up really late to do whatever you had planned to do from 7.30 but couldn't and so are exhausted next day (did that sentence make any sense at all I wonder?)

DD2 (15mths) on the other hand goes out like a light the moment you put her down (or is happy chatting to herself in her cot until she does fall asleep) and has down practically since birth

good luck to us all

[edam]

It's like that here too. Ds is nearly three, and it was a few months after he went into a bed that he suddenly realised he could mess about. I'm getting him ready and into his bedroom by 7.30 every night but it's usually 9.30 before he finally goes to ruddy sleep. So frustrating. And then he's tired and emotional all morning... Will try star chart. We were promising him a sticker in his behaviour book, but that doesn't seem to bother him - maybe a star chart in his room would.

[catgirl]

sorry, forgot to add crucial bit ... if he misbhaves or messes around, he doesn't go up a star, and if he continues, after a warning, he goes down a star - gets warnings like 'remember, star chart rules now'... and a couple of chances to behave. Being consistent is hard but worth it.

We are also not above saying things like 'oh two more stars and we can go to the book shop' and getting him into like that. We have also been known to say (when he has 'lost'tars) 'oh what a shame I was looking forward to going to the book shop with you'.

Good luck. How was last night?

[dinny]

dd is being a nightmare at the moment to (she's just 4). She's scared of monsters and it is SO hard to settle her. The light evenings don't help either. Sorry, not much advice to offer, just sympathy. It is SO hard to not lose it with her at bedtime when she's messing around and waking ds up

ps. Hello, Motherpeculiar, lovely to see you all. xx

[catgirl]

re the monsters - has she seen 'Monsters Inc' - my ds loves it! And the monster are scared of a little girl.... if nothing else it is a good film!

[arfishymeau]

Evening ladies!

I worked out one of the problems - she missed 'Mr Moon'. He was a light she had in the bedroom that I used as a nightlight. I retired it when we moved because I thought it was too bright and might be affecting her sleep. After some gentle probing it turned out that the reason she didn't like this new house was because there was no Mr Moon. He went straight back into service.

I've also found that she will put on her pyjamas if I call them 'relaxing clothes', because it's not so much like bedtime.

She has 2 or 3 stories at night and I read the first, then clean her teeth (I also changed toothpaste from blue to pink), wash face and then do the second story.

So, we haven't had a meltdown for 2 nights, but she's also still getting out of bed. She got the balloon on the first night but hasn't for the last two nights. I'm doing rapid return. Let's see!

Oh and with monsters we have to chant 'Go away monsters and leave us alone' every night. Then say 'sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite'. We did have a monster spray but she used to drench everything in sight with it so I changed tack.

I'm also going to move bedtime from 7pm to 6.45 (with 30 mins reading) to see if we can avoid the 7pm flashpoint.

How's everybody else doing?

[fannyfannacapants]

Hi all! Interesting reading ... I feel I am about to join your ranks having just put dd into a bed from her cot (she is 2).

Set the bed up today ... and she loved it ... however now it is nap time and she quite happily got into her bed - but the moment I left the room she was out ... have been in a couple of times - but the same thing happens. I have left the kiddy gate on so she can't get out.

Just went back to see if she is ok (everything ominously quiet etc) and she is Sparko on her sofa!!!!! Ahhhh well, I s'pose these things take time...

However any tips welcomed!... ie - do I keep going in to her (at night time) or simply let her tire herself out and realise herself that it is her bed and she is to sleep in it etc?

[kitbit]

I read a thread a while ago in which someone said their dc was scared of monsters...nothing worked ("daddy won't let monsters get you", "I've checked, there aren't any" etc) until the poster said "we don't have any monsters, we can't afford them". Apparently the child understood this concept much to the poster's embarrassment!!! Apologies for pinching the story, but wondered if taking a surreal approach to the monsters thing might help!