Ignore, be firmer or love bomb? DD (9) being impossible!

[tempnameswap]

DD (9) seems to be deliberately winding everyone up at the moment - me, dh and her younger sister.

So we have just had lunch and she has made repetitive, random loud noises (knowing this is a pet hate of mine), blown her nose repeatedly in a deliberately yucky fashion whilst glancing at me and smirking at her younger sister and then stomped upstairs making as much noise as possible (having had this mentioned already this morning). Typically she will come downstairs and fling her arms about in front of her sister until she loses it too. Not the worst behaviour in the world maybe but is very effective in generating irritation!

Last week I decided on the love bomb approach on the basis she needed some one-on-one time. We had a really nice couple of days shopping etc. But once we were home, she was exactly the same. And I think it goes beyond holiday boredom because we have had a reasonably active break so far.

It seems deliberately attention seeking as she smirks and glances at me when told off - so I am tempted to ignore it (very hard when there is a physical fight going on).

So as not to drip feed - we moved last summer and although she has really settled well at her new school I wonder if she is in need of some tlc ?

Btw I realise it sounds pretty minor written down - and probably typical pre-teen stuff - but the effect of a whole day of winding up is significant! Anyone had any success with this type of thing?!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It was a great start and only wore off when back home. Can you try the love bomb tactic at home too? Not to the extent of overlooking rudeness or deliberate obnoxious habits. One to one stuff.

I found one disarming ploy was to suddenly swoop and say Mum wants a cuddle. Too big to go on your lap? Putty in your hands if you indulge with a bit of hugging or breathe in and say something like "You smell nice, I used to love sniffing my baby's hair". Chances are she'll fight you off or come over very "Ugh what are you doing" but touch is simple attention on a very basic level.

[tempnameswap]

Thanks Donkeys - my instincts are also that she needs more positive attention rather than crossness, but dh was brought up with a more Victorian approach . Will try some swooping in! The problem is she is so infuriating that I have to override all instincts just to distance myself. But last week was quite a bit better so I will try and reinforce the love bombing.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Tfhe new school you mentioned - she might have settled well but the effort is taxing her so she pushes the boundaries more at home? (Grasping at straws).

[tempnameswap]

No, I think you may be right. She does seem extra tired despite some v early nights - could do with some sunshine probably too...

[LadyLech]

I have an equally difficult 9 year old, so you have my sympathies.

This is our latest technique that we're trying with our DDs, and it seems to be working (although it is still new with them).

Each week, we have set up a Reward chart, with a stated reward and sanction for the end of each week.

Then each day, we have the sun, rainbow, cloud thing. (The girls have this at school and like it). So if they're good, they go on to the sun, and naughty / irritating they go onto the cloud.

In addition, she has 'lives' when she is naughty she loses a life. If she has lost all her lives by the end of the week, she gets the stated punishment. If she keeps all her lives, she gets the reward.

Although it sounds complicated, it really isn't. I don't know about your daughter, but mine relishes on praise, but gets into moods when she tries to wind people up. We're trying to have a positive based system, so that she can earn the reward each week, and focus on the good.

The other thing is maturity! As my daughter is getting older, she is able to cope with her emotions more. I find now, when the red mist descends, and she's in that phase when there's no reasoning with her, we get her to take time out. She finds writing it all down (usually things like 'I hate mum, she's the worst mother in the world etc...) really helps her to get it out of her system and she calms down and then rejoins us once it is out of her system.

I find she is at her worst when in the company of others, so to help her save face we have developed a code word, whereby I tell her to calm down. Currently, it is 'strawberries'. But she now knows that she needs to adjust her behaviour and calm down or she will be sent to her room in front of her friends.

Although she can be hard work, I'm finding my daughter is starting to get better and is in fact, delightful most of the time. She just needs a firm hand!

[tempnameswap]

Thanks LadyLech - the codeword is a good idea, will try that! Good luck with your 9 year old too....they are delightful a lot of the time (just had a lovely relaxed trip out with mine) and then suddenly not!

[SVN]

Oh you have my sympathy. We have an 8 year old boy (9 in June) and his behaviour is just exhausting me at the moment. He's a bright, kind, caring boy but seems to relish winding people up. I've just spent a humiliating two hours at a playcentre (with a friend who has never met him before), where he sulked, argued back, made random silly comments, showed off and was generally as irritating as he could be. I was mortified. I dread to think what my friend thought of him and my 5 year old DS (that's another matter).

He's well behaved at school, in fact a bit of a teacher's pet, but he just seems to be so annoying at home and I'm so tired of the constant backchat.

We have introduced a reward system whereby they received marbles (worth 50p) for good behaviour etc which are counted up at the end of the week and given to them as pocket money, but this in itself seems to cause no end of arguments and sulking when he 'unfairly' loses a marble.

Have no real advice really, just had an awful morning and wanted to commiserate. Hope things improve for you soon!

[tempnameswap]

Thanks SVN - it is exhausting, I agree! Funnily enough my dd is a bit of a teacher's pet too. I am forever being told how delightful she is at school! I suppose they have to let out the non-delightful side somewhere....