my 5 yr old over boistrous for his piers in school

(106 Posts)
littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 12:14:27

My 5 year old boy started a new school at the end of January and is apperntly beginning to settle. But other children are saying he is naughty and the teacher told me yesterday that he is being to boistrous for his piers and hurting them. He is big for his age, some of the children one child in particular is half is size.

A lot of the time he is joining in with rough play with the other boys one group in particular because he is the biggest the smaller ones generally end up being pushed over although he is doing the same as them (at lunchtimes) and other times he has pinched another child to stop them hurting a girl. he does that quite a lot he gets involved where he shouldnt.

he pushed over the small child in roleplay in class and he fell onto a plastic box resulting in a cut bottom. My child has had run ins with this boy previously where this boy was playing boxing and seeing who was the strongest and they grabbed each others face. The other boy got a scratch, apparently the apologised at the time to each other.

This is the one side of the problem he isnt hurting children out of anger or spite, but out of some misguided protecting them or because he is not playing gently enough and not thinking. (Not justifying what he is doing) we are constantly explaining/taking toys/early to bed etc to try and get the message through. He just does not think of the consequences, and it will begin to effect his friend making . He is really sensitive and his behaviour will spiral if he thinks he is being told off unfairly or if he is worried about getting into trouble he gets nightmares and cant sleep so we tend to have patches where he gets into a cycle of being overly boistrous and gets in trouble which increases the behaviour.

The other side is a maternal side where the mum of the small child is running to the school and have heard her forcing and leading explanations out of her child, when he clearly knows they were both playing. Because my son is so much bigger than hers i think she thinks he is bullying him when from what I can tell they are playing games they probably shouldnt be and they are both at fault.

It makes me feel isolated at the school gates and embarresed. I do speak to a couple of the other parents, but i feel like i constantly being watched. The other mum hasnt said anything to me and to be honest i wish she would so i could put people right. He has a baby sister and he is wonderful with her , he does what i say at home and is helpful, He is brilliant academically. He is mischievious and although does what i ask can struggle to stop when i tell him to stop doing something.

I dont know what to do. How can i make him be more mindful of his actions ?

purples Fri 22-Mar-13 18:15:41

As a mum of a child who has suffered from a child "playing" rough, I have seen the other side of the story.

You say the mother of the other child hasn't spoken directly to you, but I didn't approach the other parents either, I only approached the school. This is the policy that my childs school recommends. The school wanted to sort out the issues without parents getting into discussions (and potential arguments) in the playground which may result the whole problem just escalating.

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 18:18:57

Oh and I've recently had massive issues with the boy I mentioned 'playing rough' and hurting ds. I went straight to the school not his mum even though I know her. I knew she'd do nothing and the issue was during school hours anyways. As it happens the boy is now only allowed out for half f playtime until he shoes the maturity to play nicely.

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 18:24:41

I would like to point out he has actually hurt a child twice, by accident. which is why im asking for advice before it gets worse.

Bea there is as im sure you know a big differnence between a just turned 5 year old who is behind in social development and a six year old. and yes if he was still doing it in y1/2 i would say he was being naughty. and I am challenging him on it.

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 18:26:13

purples the other child is also playing rough

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 22-Mar-13 18:29:03

I think you are making a lot of excuses, and not really taking this seriously.

IME, schools do not allow the kind of play that you are talking about. Running, yes, but not 'play-fighting' or 'rough-housing' as you call it.

We have rough and tumble with our boys, just like my parents did with us. Our children understand that this is a fun thing you do with your family to let off steam and that it isn't an appropriate way to behave with your friends and classmates.

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 18:30:18

I wouldn't have allowed it at 5 either, or 4 tbh and actually would be cross with my 2.5 year old doing it too.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 18:33:39

I am not sure why I get called ridiculous just because I think children should be taught not to hurt other people.

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 18:37:07

so your telling me your kids have never played super heroes or power rangers ben 10 , dragons , cowboys etc. and again it is not something i am allowing it is happening at school at lunchtimes and he is being punished for it. it is also a group of them playing it including the child that he has hurt .

The advice I have been asking for has been ways to help with self displine , letting him know his own strength and how i get him to stop playing those games when i am not there or stop playing with the children rough housing.

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 18:37:35

yellow that is what i am trying to teach him

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 18:38:19

Yellow - I don't know either . I agree with what you said.

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 18:42:27

Have you told him he's being naughty and that you're cross? Have you made him apologise to the kids he's hurt?

That's what I'd do. None of this 'teaching him his own strength' business, cold hard 'that's NOT ok'.

My son (and daughter) play cowboys / star wars / whatever but they don't get each other apart from the one boy I talked about earlier. Or at least f they do (eg ds got elbowed in the face the other day by a boy as he turned round - he apologised and ds let it go because he knew it wasn't meant to and it wasn't a constant thing) its accidental.

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 18:43:07

Don't hurt each other not get!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 18:48:51

My kids played those type of games but were not allowed to be rough. The game is not the issue, it is the physical contact within the game.

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 18:59:36

yes i do tell him that he has been naughty it is unacceptable and I am cross . He has any privilidges (telly treats etc) taken off him i have taken toys etc. what he has done has been by accident. The incident where he pushed was in roleplay and he should have done a light or pretend push and he did a hard push. the child fell onto a box which hurt him. That was in the class room.

the other timenot an accident th smaller child grabbed my sons face and he did it back. the other times have been where he has got involved in trying to protect his friends from an older child who was trying to hurt them. The rest is where he tells me he plays those games and with a particular group of children that keep punching him and i dont want him to get into trouble. I do need him to learn his own strength the as i have previously stated he has hurt a child giving them a hug. Also he tries to play with another friend and they follow him because they want him to play those games. which is why i want hi to learn some self dispiline

purples Fri 22-Mar-13 18:59:43

As I previously said, my child has suffered from another childs "rough" play. But, I feel its essential to work it out for the sake of all the children concerned, afterall they will be in the same playground for the next 6 years.

You say both children are playing rough, but what does the school say?
It's difficult for me to completely understand what is happening in your childs playground. However, as a parent I know it can be difficult to be neutral about your childs behaviour. Its easy as a parent to always think the best of your child.

The school is in a neutral position, and are in the best place to tell you exactly what is going on in school time. Is it just one child that there are issues with? bear in mind that if there are several children having problems, then its more likely that your child is at fault. The teachers will have seen similar problems before, they know your child (and any other children involved), they are in the best place to tell you if it is a serious problem and offer some positive advice.
My advice would be to work with the school, and keep in regular contact with the teacher.

O wow reading this sounds like my situation but reversed! My youngest son is quite small and i would say a good bit lighter than most of his friends in school. I have told him until i'm blue in the face to try and play non contact games but he loves running, chasing , rough and tumble. He has often got hurt but i know that it is not the other child's faults, he is only doing what my son is doing. I have told my son that he is not allowed any play fighting because i know he will get hurt. He is getting better.

My son's best friend is always getting into trouble in school and i have told his teacher on one occasion that i witnessed that he had only done exactly the same as the other boys were doing, yes he is the biggest in the class. My son on the other hand is so slight he never hurts anyone in play.

Your son sounds lovely and i really feel for him, my eldest son was the biggest and probably strongest in school so i know what it is like to be you. Just keep on doing what you are doing, constant reminding of the rules of playing nicely. Reward good days and chat about his mistakes on the bad days. He will get better with controlling himself when excited.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 19:07:55

What do you mean by 'role play'? You mean a teacher was asking him to act out pushing someone in a class activity? Why?

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 19:10:22

I would be very worried about a school environment where people keep punching him btw. That is not normal at all.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 22-Mar-13 19:14:21

Really do feel for you. I also have a tall and very strong little boy.

He has got a lovely gentle nature and was never one of those hitters like so many are at a young age.

After school (there is absolutely no pretend super hero fighting allowed during school), I have often seen very small boys really laying in to him, and because of his nature he often just lets them carry on. However, on a couple of occasions he has probably used 50% of his strength (because he knows to be gentle) and they end up crying, but it's perfectly okay with their mothers to allow it when it's the other way round. Very uneven in my book!

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 19:23:26

purples the school have said its not just him. and the dinner ladies are aware of a few games like the boxing one that are being played. my ds has come home with bruises etc from the other child and other children. they have said that they arent overly concerned with him directly as it is a group situation, but they have said bacause of his size/strength it causes him more of a problem although he is doing the same as his friends. from what i can gather it was happening before charlie started. my concern is that i dont want him to play like this because he will get hurt/hurt someone else/get into trouble and it shouldnt be happing.

yellow ironically it was to demonstrate good/bad behaviour.

chocolate i wish the other childs mum could see that side to. i do feel terrible when he has hurt him even though i know he is doing it to him aswell. because he is tiny in comparison. and i am trying to curb it. but as i say its a group thing ike your friends boy he is just the biggest and i worry because of that he might really hurt someone. thanks you have made me feel better

littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 19:26:34

keepcoolandcollected that is the other side of it charlie has come home with bite marks!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 19:35:31

Are you saying the school are aware of boxing games resulting in bruises and are fine with that? Again, not normal.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Fri 22-Mar-13 19:36:20

Yes, sure can be a bit of a minefield with lots of double standards in the mix!

EggBasket Fri 22-Mar-13 19:37:04

The OP is clearly taking the matter seriously otherwise she wouldn't have started the thread! Ime it is totally normal behaviour for some DC - not acceptable, not desirable, but not unusual either. Some kids take a long time to walk, talk, potty train, read or ride a bike. Some take a long time to learn the rules of playground behaviour (a v different environment from home, or preschool). If Op's child was in Y1 and still doing this, it would be a different kettle of fish. But totally normal for reception.

OP, keep at it. Talk to school and work out a consistent approach that rewards gentle play and punishes rough play. He will get it as long as you are firm and consistant.

mercibucket Fri 22-Mar-13 19:38:32

There is a little boy like this at our school. He is sweet and good natured but even in nursery, looked quite literally 3 years older, he is also a bit immature for his age, so a bad combo as people expect him to act, say, 7, but he acts, say, 3 and is actually 4. I would ask the school to direct lunchtime play a bit more so the superhero games are not encouraged for a while, and yes to something that allows him to run off physical steam appropriately eg karate, or maybe judo in a year or so? Is he any good at footie as well btw? That strength could come in handy

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