i'm wavering- am i doing the right thing or too harsh?

[Booyhoo]

DS1(7) had school event on this evening and the teacher sent a note saying that to celebrate the class will be having a small party tomorrow and dcs are permitted to bring sweets into school for it. So, i told DS that if he behaved this evening during the event (parents were expected to attend and dcs sat with them) then we would go to the shop and get soem sweets for the party, ds2 is 3 and i also told him that he could choose sweets to have at hime tomorrow if he behaved aswell. however many times throughout the hour i had to speak to both of them to stop talking to each other, ds1 was turning round and responding to the girl behind him who admittedly was goading him, ds2 also left his seat once the event was over and i was taking a photo of ds1 with his class and refused to come back to me when i called him. i had to actually lift him out from between two seats. it does sound very bad but the talking between the 2 of them was whispering and although not disrupting anyone else, they had both been told several times to stop it yet i kept having to tell them again. once we were outside the venue ds1 asked if he had been good and i told him no. he started crying and saying he didn't liek me. ds2 then asked the same and again i said no he hadnt been good and he started crying. ds1 took himself straight to bed when we came in and refused to speak to me and ds2 apologised for his behaviour.

so, do i stick with the no sweets and let ds1 be the only one in class without sweets in for the party, or do i go tomorrow morning and get some? i know logically i shouldn't because thsi is the consequence that was given but i really do feel terrible that ds will be the only one with nothing in tomorrow and will be upset infront of his classmates.

[IHeartKingThistle]

I don't think you can go back on it now; bottom line is he didn't behave as you wanted him to, and he was prewarned of the consequences. But I'm a meanie

[MustTidyUpMustTidyUp]

Find a couple for jobs for him to do in the morning to earn his way back into your good books. Then buy him the sweets. Because you love him and it won't damage your authority forever.

[geminigirl]

Oh Lord that's a hard one...I've been in a similar situation and I'm afraid I gave in because I didn't want them to be the odd ones out but i did have a stern word and confiscated a favourite toy from each of them for a week.

[Booyhoo]

i was going to have a proper talk with him in the morning anyway as he wouldn't talk with me this evening, (probably best as he was too upset to get anywhere with him) so if i have a proper talk, get him to see that i would be being a shit parent if i didn't stick with my consequences and then give him the chance to still earn teh sweets?

[MustTidyUpMustTidyUp]

I would be reluctant to discuss in too much detail as then you're making a bigger deal of it and so worse that you're backing down IYSWIM. Keep it matter of fact 'I know that you were very upset about your behaviour last night and that you will not behave like that again. Would you please lay the table / clear up the bookcase / whatever you decide and we will stop at the shop on the way and pick up some sweets for your party. Then move on.

[Booyhoo]

yes good point. i dont want to look like i'm justifying my following through with consequences...and then not following through with consequences!

[lisson]

Because you said you would withhold sweets if he behaved badly, you have to stick to it. It is the flip side of what you teach him when you go out fo your way to keep your promises. Its especially difficult for both of you on this occasion because his punishment will be made public.

These days I try to make the punishment something that I am prepared to do if my DCs don't keep their side of the bargain.

[Booyhoo]

i decided to stick with it in the end. he came down this morning and apologised for his behaviour and i said that i appreciated it and was glad he had thought about it and just left it at that. i didn't give him any chance to earn it back as he seemed to have accepted it. he's back from afterschool club now and they had the party and a dvd. he didn't mention the sweets and didn't seem upset at all.

[MrsSham]

I know its done now but he probably shared his friends sweets anyway.