Need advice on raising a boy.

[Limbo1]

Hi new to this but really need some advice. My son has just turned 3 and I really struggle with him. He is either lovely, cuddly mummy's boy or I want to throttle him! Has always been like this but it really has to stop.

He does not listern at all, today ran straight accross a road after I had said to wait. Never follows even the simplest instructions.

He is distructive and at times violent - mostly at home with his sister and all our things. Yesterday he destroyed all the jigsaws the three of us had been doing because I left the room to make their tea. He hits her, the cat me etc. He throws things especially food.


He does not sleep well - either wakes up multiple times needing me to lay in his bed to get him back to sleep or wakes at 5-6 thinking it is morning climbing in our bed and wriggling about.

I really find deciplining him hard. I use/have used the naughty step, shutting him in his room, smacks, dinal of treats, sticker charts etc All seem to work in that instant but have little long term affect.

Any tips? My daughter is so much easier - no angel but follows rules, responds to instructions etc I just seem to spend the whole time shouting at my son and count the years till he can go to school.

[suburbandream]

I don't think it's necessarily a "boy" thing - I have two and they couldn't be more different! Having said that, Raising Boys is quite interesting, and I found The Incredible Years really good for rules/strategies and teaching consequences here. Not that it'll help, but time out, stickers etc never worked with DS2 although DS1 got the idea straight away. I often resorted to bribery

[Hopeforever]

I struggled too, not much to suggest other than this book


www.amazon.co.uk/Steve-Biddulphs-Raising-Boys-Well-Balanced/dp/0007153694?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Limbo1]

Thanks for the book suggestions - never used any books before as felt a bit like cheating but may have to reasses that one! He has just shredded hios sisters picture - and breath! Is it too early for wine!

[suburbandream]

The sun is always over the yard arm somewhere, have a ! I do also agree with however said boys are like dogs - they need regular exercise!!

[overmydeadbody]

I don't think it is fair to assume his 'problems' stem from being a boy. Sounds like he has some behavioural issues that really need soritng out though. It must be hard for you. Does he go to nursery? Have they raised any concerns?

[BackforGood]

I read your first sentence, and thought - yup, she's describing my boy. The bit you don't want to hear is that he's still like that at 16 .
Tis just the way he is - always been extreme, my dd1 is much calmer / less volatile / far easier to deal with, etc. I don't know if it's always a boy / girl thing, but it is in my case.
No answers I'm afraid, just letting you know it's a pretty common situation.
Well, I say no answers - ds always needed to get out the house and get lots of exercise in. It's always helped. He did a lot of swimming, but if that's not realistic even a trampoline in your garden might help. Made a HUGE difference with him.

[overmydeadbody]

Does he get lots and lots and lots of excersise? He needs it.

Also, how do you punish him? Do you have clear boundaries that never chance and are you consistant? Or does he sometimes get away with things that on other occasions you punish him for?

Does he rule the roost or do you?

I hope I don't sound harsh, I really feel for you, these are just quesrions that could help others to give you the right advice for you.

[Limbo1]

He does go to nursery - has done since Jan and he is an angel there! They can't believe it what a say what he is like at home! When his funding comes through in Jan he will go for longer but just doing 2 mornings.
Getting him out and about seems to make little difference - we are a pretty active family and we often walk to school/nursery, swim, go for walks, blackberry pick etc. The sleeping is slightly better if we have been swimming. I may look at him doing gymnastics but at £100 a term not sure if we can aford it, blooming Childbenifit going and all.

[Inneedofbrandy]

You've described my son to a tee! He's 5 now and a lot better but he needs exercise lots and lots of exercise! What I've foun works is very clear expectations and boundaries, everything I tell him to do I make him repeat back, every time I tell him off I make h tell me why im telling him off. I don't think some children more so with boys can control there impulses very well, they just don't think!

Lots of exercise and firmness! When he's older you will be able to look back fondly on the memories of him pulling down the hairdressers mirrors, breaking doors by swinging on them and rolling around in the mud.

[Limbo1]

Overmydeadbody you have put your finger on one main issue - he rules the roost much of the time. This is because his sister loves him and/or can't be bothered to fight so he gets his own way with her and play. A great example - he still has a highchair which pushes up to the table - he does not like it so his sister often lets him sit in her big chair. This is currently where thay are eating their tea! We try discourage this but if they are both happy is it worth the fight??????

[janglitz]

I have worked with lots of kids who behave like this and its quite normal, his just pushing his boundaries most children do it...to see what he can do...get away with...have clear boundaries and be consistent when he is good give him loads of praise and even a sticker....get him involved in whatever your doing eg household chores...kids are mini adults and very smart...the main thing is consistanancy...try to stick with time out and the stickers as you say it does work short term...then pile on praise when his good..good luck stay calm and and try not to get to stressed out ...children pick up on our emotions and stress xx sometimes children continue negative behaviour to get a reaction...so that's why praise and playing games when his good is key..if he misbehaves time out xxx choose your battles small things eg banging ect overlook or distract xxx good luck xxx

[overmydeadbody]

agree with janglitz.

choose your battles, but be consistant. Don't choose different battles on different days.

get rid of the high chair if he doesn't want it. things like that aren't important.

let him be involved in decision making if it affects him. Give him two choices, rather than a demand or a request "do you want the red sweater or the blue hoodie?" for example.

Don't let him rule the roost, but let him feel he is in control of some things.

Praise praise praise every little thing he does which is good or right. this is positive reinforcement. reward with stickers, stamps or tokens that can be exchanged for treats.

Tell him how he can correct something he has done to get into trouble "oh dear, the food you threw has made a mess, i'm cross that you did that, but how about you hlep clean it up and I'll listen while you tell me why you did it, how you were feeling?"

Listen to him, acknowledge his feelings "I understand you feel angry right now, but when you shout it hurts my ears, say it again in a normal voice"