Introducing a new sibling to a 22 month old

[tinyfeet]

If there's another thread on this subject, please let me know. I'm worried that DD1 will not react well when I bring DD2 home in 4 months. DD1 will be 22 months old when DD2 is born. I'm sure there are loads of books on this subject, but of course I trust Mumsnet advice more than anything else. I fear that DD1 will get jealous or competitive, etc. I have 2 nephews who fight like cats and dogs, and having witnessed that, I want to do anything I can in advance to minimize conflict between the 2. Any general advice?

Specific advice is also needed. DD1's bedroom is right next to ours. We have 2 other bedrooms on the same floor. Should I put DD2 in the bedroom closest to ours and move DD1 into another room? Or should we set up DD2's bedroom in one of the other rooms?

Should I buy gifts for when DD2 is born and give them to DD1 and tell her that they are gifts from DD2? Someone advised that I do this.

Any advice would really be appreciated.

[whymummy]

hi tinyfeet,i had the same thoughts when i was expecting dd,if you are going to change rooms do it now but don`t tell her why,just say that the other room is nicer,bigger,etc,i put a toy in my hospital bag for ds and he was over the moon with his little sister for bringing him a present,i also had my mum to stay with us for 6 weeks so i had lots of time for ds and he never felt left out,also tell famly and friends to go straight to your dd1 first when they come to see the baby,very important but a lot of people forget

[SoupDragon]

If you're going to make changes to DD1s sleeping arrangements, do it before the baby arrives. Make it because she is a big girl, not because the baby needs it. Buying a present from the baby is a good idea - DS2 bought his big brother a large plastic shark and 2.5 years on, DS1 still remembers who gave it to him and when. He was 24 months when DS2 arrived.

My 2 get on fine - they fight over sharing toys etc but nothing major.

[princesspeahead]

Hi tinyfeet! Your dd will probably be fine - do lots of talking about the baby (prob not quite now, but the couple of months beforehand) - all about how dd can help give the baby a bath, how the baby will feed etc - so it isn't too much of a shock. I really recommend "Topsy and TIm and the new baby" for a gentle read about a new baby turning up and the things it does.
I personally wouldn't move DD1s bedroom, but put DD2 into another one and get DD2 involved in getting it ready.
I'd definately get DD1 a FABULOUS present from the new baby - I tend to buy things that they wouldn't otherwise get from us - for example my dd (aged 5) has been longing for one of those horrible enormous barbie heads that you can do the hair and makeup of, which I've been resisting, and I know she is going to be THRILLED when the new baby gives one to her in a few weeks when he is born. She got something else similarly exciting when my ds was born when she was 2. The other thing I would do is get your DH to take your DD1 to a toyshop when DD2 is born, so that she can choose something to give the new baby. My DD ended up giving my DS a revolting bright pink teddy, but she was so proud to have picked it out herself and given it to him, and she still talks about when she went to hospital to see DS for the first time and gave him the bear. It really made her feel involved.
Another good thing is going through old photo albums and showing her pictures of when she was a baby and also when you were pregnant with her. My DD thought that was fascinating, and I think it made her feel a bit less like the new baby was pushing her aside, but rather that she had been a new baby once too and was now a big girl and was lucky to have a new baby to help me look after IFSWIM.

Just some suggestions, hope they are useful!

[tinyfeet]

Thanks all for such quick fabulous advice. The only thing is that all of you seem to assume that DD1 understands and communicates more than I think she does. I realize that she is learning more and more each day, but right now she has probably a 20-word vocabulary, and I don't really feel like she understands much of what I'm saying. I hope this is just her age and not that she is slow or anything. In 4 months, I'm sure she'll understand more than she does now, but I feel as though I may not be able to "explain" anything to her in a way she understands - so it's hard to tell her that she is getting a bigger better room, etc. I have a fear that she will just sense all of these things without my being able to explain them to her in a way that she will understand. Am I making any sense?

PPH, I do think I like your advice about her keeping her room. DD2 won't know any better and will probably be in a bassinette in our room in the beginning anyway. I hope though that DD2 does not get neglected from being in the far room (it's not that far actually). I don't know how you mums of 2 or more are able to balance everything. This is why I didn't want 2 so close in age! Thanks again!

[princesspeahead]

tinyfeet, I think they understand a lot more than you think, and certainly a lot more than they can say at this stage. I'm a great believer in nattering away to them about all of these things and I think an amazing amount sinks in - especially if it is in conjunction with books and pictures and gifts. it certainly can't hurt!

[tinyfeet]

Thanks PPH. Your DD sounds a lot more communicative than my DD1 though! I'll give it a shot.

[codswallop]

Topsy and Tim and the big suprise sees them stalking their neighbour HOuRS after giving birth to the improbably named "Baby Robin Rupert".

Also "Theres a house inside my MUmmy" very funny.

[runragged]

tinyfeet, my dd was 18 months when I had ds. Obviously her vocab etc was very limited but we told her that there was a baby in mummys tummy etc, and would she like to put her hand on the baby while she had a story etc but didn't make a big thing of it, just made her aware.

I had to go in to be induced so she was shifted around a lot on the actual day, I went into hospital in the evening and dh put her to bed, we told her that mummy was going to get the baby but she might be a long time. DH had to come to the hospital at 5am so our neighbour got her up and then later a friend picked her up and took her off to play with her ds all day.

I came home in the afternoon (went for 6 hour discharge and had really good rest at home) and dd came back and we showed her ds, let her stroke his head etc and gave her a present from him.

She was absolutely fine, I just made sure that she was included in everything to begin with, if ds had to be fed, then she could have a biscuit and story sitting next to us, she helped bath him, picked his clothes etc.

I didn't move her room around until we bought her a bed and then made a thing of big girls, big beds, new rooms, she was about 2.3.

One thing though my ds is nearly 2 and although he has a very limited vocab he understands EVERYTHING! And don't worry about balancing 2 children, I was amazed that I had forgotten how easy tiny babies are. They eat, sleep and poo! And if you have to give dd attention it doesn't matter if the baby screams a bit.

The other thing that I think, and this is only my opinion, is that conflict arises when the older child is passed over all the time. I tried really hard to make sure that her needs were dealt with before ds (not spoiling her I hasten to add) and when visitors came if they paid too much attention to the baby, I got down and played with her so that she didn't feel left out.

Siblings will fight, mine started when ds started pinching her toys! But generally they are fine now.

[tinyfeet]

Thanks Runragged. Of course I have a question: What gift did you buy for DD from your DS?

[LIZS]

tiny feet

The gift idea is a good one, perhaps hidden in the new baby's crib. Do you have any friends or family with babies so that you can show her some of what is involved? Our dd is 23 months and has been very into her dolls for months so perhaps you could try a little role play game with her. Although she may not follow the books now she will understand a bit more on each reading. Don't be put off by her apparent lack of understanding, their expressive vocabularly is far more limited than their comprehension. I like Princesspeahead's idea of using photos of herself too, they love to recognise themselves, do you have any video footage of her ?

It might also be a good opportunity to do some activities that she will eventually be able to do with little supervision such as puzzles and stickers, so that she is a little prepared for when the baby needs more of your attention. Try not to worry about not being able to be in two places at once - the same is true whatever the age gap.

hth

[tinyfeet]

LIZS, thanks for all the good advice. I don't think I'm underestimating, but I really think DD doesn't understand that much. I have said to her that there is a baby in my belly, but she doesn't get that. We did buy her a doll, and she does cradle it and is very gentle with it. She does look at pictures of herself, but my impression is that she just likes to flip the pages. She doesn't seem to absorb that they are pictures of herself at the hospital and when she was really little even though we tell her. So I feel like I can't really reason with her - I can only do those things that are really really obvious to her to help make her feel like she is not being pushed aside. KWIM?

[runragged]

tinyfeet, I bouight her an electric keyboard that made all sorts of animal sounds. Not the best selection in retrospect but she loved it as it was noisy.

Don't worry about the comprehension, just chatter away to her, some of it will sink in.

[LIZS]

She may well not automatically register that they are pictures of herself yet. They become "self aware" between 18 months and 2. As a test put her in front of the mirror. If she looks into the mirror as if she is looking at a friend then she has probably not got there yet. If she, for example, can touch her own nose when asked , rather than the reflection, then she has. It will come in time and quite possibly sooner than you expect.

All you can do is your best to prepare her. If you try a variety of methods such as those suggested then something may register over the next few months.

good luck

[tinyfeet]

OK thanks again. Electronic keyboard sound nice

[allatsea]

what a well timed thread tinyfeet. My dd will be 22mo when no2 comes along. We have very little choice but to move dd1 into a new room as that room faces due south and we feel a newborn would never cope with the heat. We've been decorating the room (with a Lucy Collins style Noah's Ark murial). DD is really excited when we let her in there every couple of days. Our plan is to leave her in her old room for another 6 weeks or so, but let her play in her new room - we're hoping that she'll like it so much that she'll love to move. We are also thinking of buying dd a present from the baby, we've thought of something animal related, but have liked the suggestions others have made

[allatsea]

what a well timed thread tinyfeet. My dd will be 22mo when no2 comes along. We have very little choice but to move dd1 into a new room as that room faces due south and we feel a newborn would never cope with the heat. We've been decorating the room (with a Lucy Collins style Noah's Ark murial). DD is really excited when we let her in there every couple of days. Our plan is to leave her in her old room for another 6 weeks or so, but let her play in her new room - we're hoping that she'll like it so much that she'll love to move. We are also thinking of buying dd a present from the baby, we've thought of something animal related, but have liked the suggestions others have made

[kmg1]

Tinyfeet - 22 months is a lovely age gap. It really won't be as bad as you expect. My two boys are now 4 and 6, and are a 22 month gap. They do argue of course, but also play together really nicely a lot of the time too. The first 9 months were much, much easier than I anticipated. Enjoy it!

[tinyfeet]

allatsea

how nice that your DD likes her new room. I don't know if I have the energy to do up her new room just yet, but you've inspired me. It never occurred to me that she would like her new room better (as I've said before, I don't think she understands much of what is going on - like if I was moving her to a different room, etc.)

[elliott]

tinyfeet - haven't had time to read this thread in detail yet, just wanted to say we can compare notes when it happens - I'm due on Dec 3 when ds will be 24 months. He's a couple of months older than your dd1 but also doesn't understand a huge amount yet - but I think the coming 4 months will make a big difference.

[kaz33]

Ah ha - not sure if I should add to this thread as currently have a 9 week old and a 2 year old ( tommorow ) so the age gap is about 22 months...

The first few months has been difficult - it has coincided with my eldest hitting the terrible twos, mum looking after him full time etc... WE have had some terrible tantrums etc.... He actually likes having a little brother and wants to be involved. Its more that because his brother gets attention when he screams that he thinks that is the way to get attention and communicate. For us it has meant that he is a lot more clingy and wants to be carried everywhere.

How have we dealt with it ?

By overloading him with love - offering hugs and kisses all the time AND getting help ( both from family but also bought in ).

Babies easy really, and I am enjoying that part a lot more than last time - just got to get his big brother sorted out.

Good luck - Its worth it.

[lou33]

Tinyfeet I have age gaps of 4y 8m, 23m and 27m, and they were all great at accepting the next one along. The 2 with 23m between them are really close, even though the opposite sex, and the two with 27m are a delight to watch together, ds1 is so protective and loving to ds2. So much so that a sweet old lady was so taken by their behaviour while out today, she pressed a pound coin into their hands and tottered off after kissing me on the cheek! I won't deny that close gaps can be hard work, but mine all seem to enjoy the closeness it brings.

[tinyfeet]

Lou33 - I think you are really lucky. I don't know how you handle 4. Sounds like sibling rivalry hasn't been a problem for you.

Kaz33 - Sounds like you are coping well, but are handling the reaction I'm expecting from DD1. I do think it's interesting that many of you are saying that the baby is very 'easy', when I had DD1, all I thought of was - this is so difficult!! But of course I imagine DD2 will be easier than DD1 since I have done it before.

Anyway, I've spoken with DH, and we have decided to move DD1's room next week. Sounds like the unanimous advice is to do it early, if at all. Will try to enjoy doing up both DDs rooms. When DD1 was born, she slept in our bed for a long time, and it was not a good situation, but we hadn't set up her room. This time, I'll do it right

Thanks again for the advice.

Elliott - let's compare notes in a few months. Nice to share similar experiences.

[ratbag]

My two eldest dds have an age gap of 22 months between them, they're now 13 and nearly 12. I had absolutely no problems at all when dd2 was born, but dd1 has always been very laid back even as a baby! We gave her a doll while I was still in hospital with her new sister so that she had her own 'baby' to look after. This worked wonders - she even used to lift up her top and 'breastfeed' her baby when I was feeding dd2. There have been plenty of squabbles as they grew up tho! Good luck

[lou33]

Tinyfeet I wouldn't go that far! They fight and argue with the best of them, but usually it is with the very oldest. Two together have always got on very well, with the odd bickering session in between. Dd1 is in Ireland with her grandmother at the moment, and it has brought dd2 and ds1 much closer, to the point ds1 is almost a shadow! I didn't bother with gifts from the new baby, just made sure the others got their fair share of cuddles with me and the baby, and let them help out with little jobs, like getting the nappy and wipes. I hope it all goes well anyway.

[tinyfeet]

ratbag, that's a sweet story about your dds. DD1 is pretty laid back, so I'm hoping for the same when DD2 is born. A doll sounds like a good gift also.

lou33, I still don't know how you did it with 4! But I'm constantly amazed by people on Mumsnet. Some of the issues that are raised here must really seem trivial to you.