MIL related question

(11 Posts)
mummytobeforbabyno1 Sun 13-Nov-16 04:53:16

My OH and I like the name of his dads mum (i.e. OHs grandma) if we have a little girl. I never met her and genuinely just like the name but for OH he likes the connection.

OHs parents split up when he was young, despite agreeing to not tell names he told his mum and she said she doesn't like the name but OH said it is because his mum says his grandma wasn't very nice to her following the split, obviously OH saw none of this and he just has lovely memories of her. Plus his mum has a tendency to overreact.

Would we be unfair if we used the name? Surely she won't not love baby as much just because of the name and she will get over it.

Pluto30 Sun 13-Nov-16 06:00:39

No, not unfair.

She's your baby and you can name her whatever you like her. She'll come around to the name whatever you name her, because soon enough she'll associate the name with your baby, and not the baby's great-grandparent.

nooka Sun 13-Nov-16 06:22:32

So you want to name the baby after your dh's mum's MIL? Someone who was quite unpleasant to her at a time when she was vulnerable. I don't think it's too surprising that she is upset. I'm sure she will love her grandchild but she may find using the name difficult and that it overshadows her happiness about her son having a baby.

Of course it is entirely up to you and your OH OP, but personally I'd think about using your OH's grandmothers name to become your dd's middle name.

My dd has the names of two of her great-grandmothers (dh's paternal grandmother and my maternal grandmother) I was really surprised when my mother was very upset about us using her mum's name (she wanted us to have it changed to her MILs name), but as it is dds middle name it's not been an issue as my mum never has to use it.

mummytobeforbabyno1 Sun 13-Nov-16 06:40:14

Thanks both.

Nooka your comments make sense. Would happily use as a middle name if there was another first name I loved as much. Kind of fell in love with it before I knew how she would feel.

There's still time to keep thinking I guess. Or see if she gets used to it, would mean a lot to OH but obviously he doesn't want to upset his mum in the process.

nooka Sun 13-Nov-16 07:03:28

It's a tricky one. Your OH obviously loved his grandmother and had no idea that things were so difficult between her and his mum. I knew that my mother had a difficult relationship with her mother, but she was a fantastic granny to me. I really thought my mother would like the tribute too. dh's dad wasn't too keen either as it turned out! Luckily dd likes her name very much.

Raines100 Sun 13-Nov-16 10:36:35

I can see why you'd want to go with it anyway if you only have positive associations.

However, personally, DH and I wrote off certain names before we started list making because they would have caused upset in the family. One of these name, I adored, but it would never have been right, and I didn't want a black cloud over my DCs' births. There are hundreds of names. We found something else we loved.

Myu5ername Sun 13-Nov-16 19:38:29

Go for the name.
I had same situation with my first child being named after my MIL ex-MIL.
She doesn't love her grandchild any less, in fact they're the best of friends. She was slightly irked by it in the beginning but very quickly forgot about it when she held that newborn bundle in her arms.

KlingybunFistelvase Mon 14-Nov-16 21:30:59

Hmmmmm I don't think I'd use it personally, but I sympathise with you op!

If you do decide to use it though, it won't make her love the baby any less and I'm sure she'll get over it. Maybe get your OH to massively downplay the family connection from now on though and emphasise that you love the name anyway?

HardcoreLadyType Mon 14-Nov-16 21:39:39

Actually, I think it could be just as well your DH told MIL you were considering using the name.

If he hadn't, it might have been very hurtful to her to be told, once the baby was born.

I think you should consider very carefully if you want to do this. There are many lovely names, and it seems unecessary to hurt her, in this way.

Yes, "ur bubz, ur rules", but if she does not usually make unreasonable demands, perhaps you could agree with her request, this time.

sugarplumfairy28 Tue 15-Nov-16 08:31:36

I can understand perhaps your MIL's point of view but ultimately it is your choice.

When my brother was expecting a little boy, it came up that their first choice of name was actually the same name, and the nickname they had shortened it to was the same, as a man who abused me when I was 14. I had never told anyone other than my DH. It had just never crossed my mind to tell anyone because of a possible naming situation like this (mostly as it is a very dated name).

I was so very very aware that it wasn't up to me, and I was asking a lot of them really. I had to explain in detail why the name itself was incredibly upsetting for me and how I can't help but link that name to that man.

It was very touch and go, as my brother believed that I should just get over it and if I couldn't he would stop me from seeing his son and prevent me from taking out my anger on him - which upset me even more. Eventually they decided to use it as a middle name.

To be honest it us up to you, but depending on how close you and DH are to MIL, sitting down and just discussing it may help you in making your decision.

mummytobeforbabyno1 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:48:50

Thanks all.

Oh that sounds awful sugarplumfairy28 especially that they would stop you seeing the child.

I totally understand what everyone is saying. I think because of her character I know how much she exaggerates things and because I haven't personally heard her say anything about it it is difficult for me to see if would really bother her or it really she just doesn't like the name anyway regardless of the connection (which I think might partly be the case).

Hardcoretypelady totally agree that it is at least better to know now too. Not quite sure on if I would generally call her reasonable but at the same time don't want to cause unnecessary upset it indeed that is what it would do.

She is the type that will bring it up again though so I will see what she says when she does and see if I can gauge how big of a deal it is for her and if it would genuinely upset her then back to the drawing board.

Thanks all!

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