Abortion after PND

(2 Posts)
Jayricrhi2 Tue 30-Aug-16 23:13:32

Hello everyonesmile
It's the first time Iv done something like this but seeing other mothers do it & reading the kind messages & support others offer I thought it might help me to.
So I had my daughter 14/02/15 (she's my 3rd child I have 2 older sons 9 & 4) pregnancy was fine & so was my labour up until she was born, I hemmoraged seconds after she came out & had to stay in hospital for a week. When I came home my other children where on holiday from school so my house was never quite so I barely got the rest I should have!! The second day I was home my partner & my mother had a massive argument resulting in me being left it tears & I mean floods of tears! From then I just couldn't snap out of constantly crying but I was told it was just baby blues, I knew it wasn't though because I had baby blues after my 2 boys & this did not feel the same!! I was so scared to tell anyone incase they thought I couldn't cope & would take my children, I then started thinking about dying all the time for some reason & that my children would be left on their own (even though they have their dad & our families) I eventually went to the doctors with my mother & they suggested some medication (citalipram I think that's how it's spelt) so I stated taking them & I felt on top of the world!! They made me feel so good in myself that after about 8 weeks I thought I was fine & stopped taking them, this was a VERY BIG MISTAKE because 2 weeks later I felt even worse than I did to begin with!! So I went back & got more but I was so scared of being addicted to these pills & being dependent on them to make me feel normal/happy that I done the same thing!! (I know I'm silly) then I didn't dare go back to my doctor as I was scared of what they might have thought. So I didn't have any tablets for a good 6 months of not longer but then the biggest shock came! My daughter was 10 months old when I found out I was pregnant again! I was happy but also devastated because the PND was the first thing that popped into my head. When I told my partner & family not one of them wanted me to have the baby because of what I was going through anyway so I felt like I had no choice but have an abortion but that was the worse decision Iv ever made in my life!! But I went through with it anyway I was 7weeks & 5 day when I ended my pregnancy. Since then Iv had to deal with it on my own as not one person (not even my boyfriend) has spoke to me about it or tried to help me get through it, so now it's coming up to my due date & it's killing me (my best friend was pregnant at the same time she was a week ahead of me & has already had her baby) to think I would be having a new baby any day soon!! I know people are going to think you've already got 3kids be grateful for what you have. I am very grateful & bursting with pride because Iv been truly blessed with 3 beautiful healthy children but the loss of my 4th baby feels like Iv lost part of myself Iv never been the same person since & I really want to be because I miss my normal self & my happy life I'd really appreciate if anyone can help in anyway or share their own stories. Thanks for reading
(Sorry it's a bit long)

Lindsxxx Wed 31-Aug-16 08:57:20

Oh Hun
(((Hugs))) what a terrible time you've had. Pnd is a terrible thing and you did a good thing getting medication for it. Am I right in thinking you no longer take those meds? I think if you go and see your doctor they may suggest you go back on them for a while, there's no shame AT ALL in taking them, and as I understand it they're not addictive but the best way to come off them is to do it gradually.
I don't have any advice regarding how you feel about the abortion other than maybe to see if you can be referred for counseling to discuss it and your feelings xxx

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