Husband with PND. Exhausted

Lifeunexpected · 2016-07-30 12:39:11

Life is so exhausting and painful at the moment. I’m supporting my husband who is experiencing post natal depression and anxiety. We have a beautiful 10 month old, but since he was 7 months old we haven’t been able to live with my husband. My husband found it too hard to manage his anxiety and had an emotional breakdown. It was a shock; he had been my rock for 15 years. It was him who usually supported, reassured and cared for me. For months he had suffered in silence, pretending to appear stable and strong; his typical self. He had juggled a high pressured job,a long commute, feeds, night shifts, sleep deprivation, anxiety, low moods, a feeling of emptiness, resentment and anger. There had been a shift where he had silently attributed the blame for his feelings towards me. Why was I so needy, so weak? He didn’t understand his feelings. He didn’t appreciate that he was struggling too. He thought there must be something wrong with our relationship. Maybe there was? Ships in the night, two individuals barely functioning. But who could blame a baby? He never realised that he had emotional needs too. It hurts to type this. He sought support by talking to an outsider; another women. The aftermath was a blur. For him; the guilt, the shame, the breakdown, the emptiness, the loneliness, the overwhelming sadness. He was grieving for the person he once was; a trustworthy, confident and happy man. He looked at old, happy photos and talked about feeling like a shell of that person. How had he come so low? How could he have hurt me? He had lost weight, failed to find the joy in things he usually enjoyed. He cried, his hands shook, his body rocked. He hated being alone because the shame would overwhelm him, but equally couldn’t cope with being in the same room as me or our baby for long. For me; the mistrust, the paranoia, the pain and heartache. The wanted to curl up in a ball, close the door, sob and never come out. I was struggling before. Now it felt impossible. I felt angry, frustrated and resentful towards my beautiful baby even before my world exploded. Afterwards, these feelings multiplied. I wanted things to go back to the way they were before. 15 years of bliss. It’s hard to admit, but there was little pull towards my baby, only worry and concern for my husband. My world was broken. Now what exists is an emotional rollercoaster. I irrationally flit between anger and understanding towards my husband. Trust is a hard thing to build when your partner is so fragile. Typically, I would think you would question, ask for reassurance, evidence and get angry. But I love him too much. It breaks him. He feels so much shame and guilt that it turns into a cycle of panic, anxiety and depression. My ‘selfish’ (I know they’re not selfish, but like feel selfish to me) moments, where I express my paranoid worries send us both backwards. I know he needs ‘control’. It helps him to be the plan maker, the target setter, the dictator. He wants to see me when he can see me and for me to go away when he needs time alone. However, it leaves me feeling ‘powerless’. I’get it’. I do understand. I work within the mental health profession. But, sometimes I forget that he’s ill. But we’re moving forward. Slowly. Painfully. Small steps. Back, then forward. I’m feeling better, in relation to my relationship with my baby. When I have to put my husband first, I miss my baby. I want our baby to be with us. Other times, it’s so bloody hard. So incredibly painful that I just want to scream! When our baby isn’t settling, I can’t put him down, he won’t eat and he’s crying - I’m so afraid. I’m petrified that my husband is struggling, that he’s going to walk away. I can physically feel the anxiety rising in me. I feel like I can’t cope. Like I need my baby to settle or be somewhere else. Then I feel guilty. It’s a horrible mix of guilt, shame, desperation and love. I feel pulled in two directions. Either choice brings guilt. When my husband has a good day, I feel like I can cope. I am a strong person. Resilient, even. That we CAN and WILL work through this. That my baby won’t be affected, because he is cared for and loved. On bad days, it feels hopeless, I feel lost, lonely, and so very sad. I panic that it’s not moving fast enough. That my husband doesn’t love me. But then I see his broken face and dependency on me. I know that he wants us home. When he has the energy, he tells me that he appreciates me, that I am amazing. I don’t feel amazing. I know that everyday is a hurdle for him. I know that just getting out of bed each morning is an effort. That putting a smile on his face is exhausting. That there is a black dog in his shadow. I just want this journey to be over.

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