Sorry this might be long, and please don't judge me - if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't comment.
My little boy is four months old and I love him in a duty-bound way, but I feel as though everything is just not as it's supposed to be.
I had a horrid pregnancy with hyperemesis, SPD so bad I was in a wheelchair by 30weeks and I was given an ELCS because I was diagnosed with a narrow pelvis. Great, I thought. At least something can go to plan. Well, apparently nobody picked up on the fact I had a huge baby. Just over 10lbs in fact, and that was at 39+3. I didn't have GD - measuring normal. As such, I had a dramatic blood loss, wound up in critical care and needed a transfusion. I didn't feel that rush of love when I saw my son, just shock at his size and then a strong urge to fall asleep (blood loss).
After recovering the section, my husband took a prolonged time off work which helped, but I was still diagnosed with PND at four weeks post partum. I've been on antidepressants since then (and had them upped once). Despite getting past the trauma of pregnancy and birth, everything just feels wrong. I see other people with babies the same age and they smile, giggle, and even nap in their parents arms. My little boy is a screaming ball of rage. He's been to several doctors, a dietician, and a couple of different HVs. Eventually it was just decided he's 'a difficult baby'. He sleeps ok at night (one or two wake ups that are over quickly), but he won't nap during the day and if he's not screaming or crying from being overtired, he's just grizzling/low grade crying. Had a few smiles, but they are VERY few and far between. He's meeting development milestones, and feeds absolutely fine when he's hungry.
Don't get me wrong, please. This is a planned and very much wanted addition to our family and I fear what my husband would think if I told him that as it stands, I wish I could go back in time and tell my former self not to want this so much. I knew it would be hard, of course I did. But I always thought there'd be the love, the rewards of a little happy baby shining through. But no. Even complete strangers comment on how grumpy and whiny he is and it just makes me feel like a failure.
I'm on the waiting list for talking therapies, but even as a rushed case I'm looking at 4-6months wait. I'm also at maximum dose of antidepressants, though I stress I don't feel at all suicidal, nor aggressive towards my son. In fact I just feel overwhelmingly desperate to make him happy, but he's so, SO difficult I can't do anything. I'm stuck at home, miles from family.
I don't know what I can do. Everything I expected from this experience is broken. I feel like I spend 12hrs a day trying to find ways to stop my LO crying, I get half hour break for a shower when husband is home, then after the two-hour bedtime struggle (yep, he screams blue murder then, too) we finally have time to take a breather, but we're both far too shattered to even hold a conversation.
Has anyone out there dealt with such a challenging baby? Am I doing something wrong? I just feel like it's so unfair.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Shattered expectations and PND
21 replies
SashChops · 12/06/2015 15:16
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