13 days post natal. Feeling overwhelmed and need to get it all out. Baby is feeding well now after initial struggle due to jaundice but I feel worn down by breastfeeding and don't feel amazing as I was told I would. I can't ever decide if I should wake him to feed or not! He normally goes 3h and wakes himself for feeds but when he goes longer I don't know what to do. I keep crying over things like the pph after his birth, being unable to remember things from the birth/after the birth, being stitched up. Someone close made a comment about how I shouldn't have had stitches and I was confused and feel like a failure about having had them. worried I won't be able to have sex anymore due to stitching and worrying that the wound will open while we are trying to do it. Can't decide if there's an infection there due to a smell but can't decide if it's just a normal lochia smell. decided I'm not having any more children already due to pph trauma. Just generally tired even though I get a fair bit of sleep. I can't take my eyes off him and feel guilty if I do. Need to tidy the house but can't decide if I'm allowed to look away from him to do it. Not sure what to do when he's just awake and not feeding, if I should be playing with him somehow but he's only 13 days old!
I imagine these are normal ftm worries but I really am desperate for reassurance. Please?
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Rambling rant tbh
Holden10 · 09/06/2015 14:42
Oh OP 
I'm 17 days pp and have felt similar at times to you. I knew breastfeeding would be hard but never expected to be this drained. DD feeds well and spaced out through the day but comes alive at night to cluster feed. Last night she settled just after 1, then woke again at 5ish and wouldn't go back to sleep after that feed so I had to get up with her. Tried to nap this afternoon but she needed feeding after 15 mins. I'm exhausted. DH has had so much more sleep than me and I'm feeling so resentful!
Re your potential infection - if you think something's off, get it checked out. I had an episiotomy, my stitches came apart and I had an infection - but nobody had told me what to expect re lochia, smell etc, so although it didn't smell pretty and I was in a lot of pain, I just thought it was normal. It wasn't until 6 days pp that I agreed to let midwives check the stitches and I ended up on antibiotics. Luckily it has cleared well and - fingers crossed - seems to be healing well. But you really should get it looked at just to rule out any potential infection.
Take care of yourself and get as much rest as you can. I know it's easier said than done (I'm not doing too good a job of it either) but these feelings you have are valid and you're not doing anything wrong. It's an incredibly difficult time (as DH keeps reminding me). Our bodies and lives have been through a massive overhaul. It takes a lot of getting used to.
I was exactly where you are. Health visitor booked me a gp appointment for post natal depression which apparently I didn't have...still not convinced on that but still. I had episiotomy and stitches- do not let anyone tell you that you shouldn't have had them you clearly needed them. Mine got infected (had antibiotics ) then came apart. I went to a nurse every week to check it was healing which helped as I could not face looking.
Definitely don't do housework unless you really want to. Rest whenever you can. As for feeding when out is there a nct or surestart group near you? Both of these held breastfeeding support and baby groups combined so you can get used ro it in a totally relaxed environment. If not you could try expressing and giving a bottle when out for now until you get more confident? Getting out and meeting other mums can really help mentally. Finally consider getting a sling as if baby will only sleep on you it means that you can have a cuppa and read a book hands free whilst still enjoying close cuddles with your baby. Keep talking, it gets easier, everything is just a phase 
Thank you that's brilliant advice! I live in a massive city so finding places to accommodate bfing shouldnt be much of a problem I'd hope 
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