I need help, but no one is offering anything

[ballinacup]

I had PND with my first child (he's now 2.8) and now have a six week old second child. The PND is back and is frightening me.

I can go days without having an episode then suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel like I'm drowning and no matter how much I kick and struggle, I just keep sinking. During these times, I know with absolute certainty and clarity that I need to die. I start googling ways to kill myself, how much of particular drugs I have in the house that Iwould need to take. I fantasise about driving my car into a wall. I say horrendous things about DC2 including wishing he would suffer from cot death. I tell DH I hate him, that when I kill myself it will be his fault.

I told my gp how I was feeling and she pulled sympathetic faces, prescribed me with 10mg citalopram and sent me on my way. I've been taking it for three weeks and, so far, its having no effect.

I don't know what to do. With DC1 I felt this way for fifteen months, and it nearly destroyed me. The thought of experiencing another year of this is intolerable. I don't know what to do or where to go for help.

[Newcy2014]

Have you spoken to your HV? I had a wobble during my ds 1st year, and although it didn't last as long as your first episode, and I don't think I was as bad, the HV was brilliant!! She referred me to special services, specifically for PND. They telephoned me within a week or so (I think), and arranged to come out to my home and offered counselling etc. The HV also referred me to the GP. In the end, I was ok, but I certainly felt that the HV offered more support than the GP.

[wimba]

Hi ballinacup,
I feel your pain! Do you have any idea what might make you feel better? Do you need a holiday (child-free) to reconnect with yourself? Counselling? More help in the home?

[NotCitrus]

Do you have a Children's Centre near you? Get to it and talk to people there. The two near me were fantastic at being welcoming even when a session was full, and getting toys out so I could be there with older child as well as a baby.

They also referred me to a good HV and other groups at the centres so I ended up getting out of the house every day (I coped well when out of the house, not well at home - so ended up OK but the house is a tip)

Hopefully the citalopram will be starting to work, or a higher dose may help - try the GP again.

Hope you feel better soon - six weeks old is often the worst point. Best wishes.

[Aerfen]

So right Notcitrus six weeks is a bad time, often when evening hunger/colic/cluster feeding sets in, followed by an exhausting night.
Ballinacup do bear in mind that although your PND lasted a long time last time round, it may not last so long this time. Your older child is more company and the feeling of loneliness and being stuck in the house with a not very responsive baby may be much less than last time.

[Allymint]

Firstly- I'm so sorry you are going through this again. It must feel like such a long road ahead if you feel like you're 6 weeks into a potentially 15 month stretch of misery. As others have said, hopefully it won't last as long this time so try to put that out of your mind.

I am at a roughly similar stage, dd 2.3 and ds 6 months. Although I wouldn't say I quite had pnd last time, I certainly do this time. My hv was beyond hopeless and I decided to try counselling before medication (I don't feel as bad as it sounds like you do, otherwise I might have thought otherwise, I don't know). It is certainly not a miracle cure but on the way home from my third session I crossed the road and realised it was the first time in months that there wasn't some part of me hoping I would get run over. I only sought help for the sake of my children, not myself, but she has made me realise that I matter and I have managed to make small changes like getting myself a drink/snack if I desperately need one even if that means letting the baby cry for a couple of extra minutes! Or sleeping for a couple of hours in the spare room when I'm exhausted and letting dh look after ds. Obviously that gets easier as baby gets older. I have made other changes to try and make life more pleasant where I can like listening to whatever music I feel like whilst putting ds to bed so I am more relaxed/hating it slightly less.

As others have said, playgroups at childrens centres/local churches seem to be the best way to spend my mornings. There's plenty to amuse both children and friendly staff to look after one whilst you change the other's nappy etc.

I really hope things improve for you and you find the help you need. Keep asking different people as gps and hvs have access to different services and of course differ in how seriously they will take you.

[mummytait2014]

Are you ok? Did you get help? I really hope you are ok. X

[cherubimandseraphim]

10mg is quite low; they may need to up it to 20 at least (20 is the usual dose). See your GP ASAP and tell them it's not working so far and can they increase it slightly? You should notice some improvement by 3 weeks. You could ask to be referred to your local perinatal mental health team as well if there is one?

Thinking of you OP