Lost

[Sparkling13]

I'm so sorry to do this, but I just don't know how to cope any more. I'm alone with a five month old for up to sixteen hours a day. I have no confidence and can't even imagine being able to go outside for anything other than appointments, and I spend all day praying for my son to sleep. I never manage to do anything, everything is always a mess and I can't stand being this disorganised, and everything's just wrong. Nothing feels right, and I keep reading about or hearing from people how wonderful and amazing this time is and I hate it. I hate it. I feel like a failure constantly, I'm never tidy or clean, my body feels like it belongs to a stranger and I can't stop crying. Medication isn't working; I don't know what else I'm supposed to do or try. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I'm too anxious to sleep properly, and the only thing that gets me to sleep is hoping that sleep will be the end of all of it, that I won't have to wake up again. I feel like I've tried everything and nothing, nothing is changing. I don't know what to do.

[ThePartyArtist]

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Try talking to your GP or health visitor, they can refer you to all sorts of services and help and find something that's right for you. I'm sure other people will have more advice too. xx

[Wuxiapian]

You sound desperate. Please see your GP.

[MorrisZapp]

Oh you poor thing. I know how hideous you're feeling because I've been there, as have countless ill and desperate mothers before us.

I'm really sorry to hear that the meds aren't working, please see your gp urgently to get a different prescription. When I had pnd I was at the doctors most days, quite often crying, and usually with my mum or sister with me as I couldn't do a thing on my own.

Please believe that this is an illness, and that it will pass. I absolutely promise you that you will be happy (and clean!) again.

Do you know what, I fucking hated having a baby. I hated all of it, every minute. I felt trapped, angry, bitter, sad, wretched, all day every day. Looking after a baby isn't rewarding for everybody. It is thankless drudgery to many of us.

But they grow, and you get your life and body back. You honestly do. I'm not having any more kids, hell no. The one I have is a joy but why would I go through that shit again.

[ButEmilylovedhim]

You poor love (((hug))) I have been there. Are you on anti-depressants at the moment? If so, how long have you been taking them? If it's longer than a month, six weeks and you don't feel any better, you might need a different one. Yy to seeing your gp again.

Have you any support round you? Any family or friends?

[Sparkling13]

Thank you for all your replies. I've been on mirtazapine for eight weeks, 30mg dosage, my Doctor says I need to wait to see the effect, but I just can't see any change. I'm waiting to hear from my health visitor, I've left two answer phone messages but haven't heard anything back and it's getting harder and harder to reach out when nothing's coming back to me. I just feel like I have nothing left. Everything takes, and there's nothing left in me to give. I just don't hear from friends any more. There were plenty of visits in the first couple of weeks, but now there's nothing. I feel so alone, but I'm too much of a mess to be able to let anyone see me this way. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but I'm used to being in control and organised, and I've always been the one who sorted things out for everyone else, and I feel so humiliated and ashamed being this way. I can't find any joy in anything, and until I saw your responses all I ever saw and heard from e-mail newsletters etc was how wonderful this time is and how precious, and right now I actually feel like I'm walking through my own personal hell.

[MorrisZapp]

Yes, yes and yes. Your experience resonates so much. I was a total bitch strong woman too until a tiny creature took over and sucked all my powers away. I felt like an empty husk, a non person.

I was lucky to have great support, but you have to tell people the truth. I was scared too, worried how people would see me if I admitted to these awful thoughts and feelings.

I can honestly say that all I ever received was sympathy, support and love from anybody I told. Most people will know of somebody who has been through this, they will know it's so hard for you. They will not judge you.

And if they do, send them to me. I'm a bitch again, yay.

[Sparkling13]

Thank you so much Morris. Just trying to keep going. Am going to try and get an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow morning, to see if there's anything else that can be tried. My personality has changed utterly, and I can't see my way back to where I was. In the 'Before Times' I had a very responsible job, could and did tackle pretty much anything, and now I feel crippled. I know that I'm trapping myself but I don't know how to admit to friends and family how bad things are, although I'm certain they're noticing. I've been looking up what I should be doing baby wise during his naps, and the internet's full of 'From 9-10 I do baby massage, then read to him from 10-11, then nap time, then one to one play, then homemade food for weaning, then our daily outing' and I'm finding myself pleading with him every day to just sleep so I can fall apart and cry for a little bit. I can't even imagine having a routine right now, and I used to be so organised. I feel like I'm failing him constantly, and I know I'm failing me, but I don't know how to stop it. Really hoping to get some
answers/options tomorrow. Thank you for listening everyone.

[Katiejon]

Please call homestart who can help you.
I know exactly how u feel, homestart supplied me with a volunteer who came 2 hours a week to play with dd.
I want to help you.
It's so hard being alone with a baby, no one to talk to.
I've been there.

[louiselove123]

Thinking of you x