Namechanged.
Am not sure if I have PND but I am feeling pretty rubbish. I was fantasizing in the night (when DD, 6 mths was awake) about walking away from the kids (have a primary school DS too) and leaving DH to it. Not really sure where I was planning to go!
I was ok over Xmas as DH has been here, but prior to that I was crying most days. Just feel worn out with the grind. Feel like DD doesn't love me as much as DH and I question how bonded I am with her. Feel like I am doing a poor job of being at home, don't really enjoy being on my own with DD, struggling to do any cleaning and find the whole new mummy friend thing a real minefield (for both DD and now being at the school each day with DS).
We also chose to have building works done whilst I pregnant which overran and has also meant we have had lots of mess everywhere as we have had to move all our rooms around and a long list of DIY jobs that need to be done which I found difficult to live with. It feels like it was a mistake to do this when I am at home so much.
DD is still waking up a couple of times a night which isn't helping. I should really go to bed at 9 in order to compensate but I feel so resentful that I am not getting much 'me' time and want to stay up beyond DS going to bed for a few hours.
I only have 2 month left of mat leave. I feel I should be enjoying it but I just want to get back to work. But conversely I am also concerned about going back, my brain is so fuzzy I keep making silly mistakes. I am self-employed so my delivery and reputation is everything.
DH is supportive but I do find talking about how I feel difficult. I think he finds mental issues a bit of a challenge to get his head around.
My DM has also been really supportive and helpful coming over to help out but any time she has offered to have DD I have used to have work meetings etc.
The fact I have support makes me feel guilty too!
In addition I am trying to address my compulsive overeating. It is something I have done since a teenager to cope with stress. I was heavy to begin with before DD but I am still carrying pregnancy weight. None of my old clothes fit, so disappointed in myself that I am having to buy some new work clothes (have a couple of bits of work I need to do before I return properly in March) when I have had 6 months to make a difference. I have tried all sorts of counselling over the years but I still do it. I am trying to reduce sugar and stick to 3 meals but it is so hard. It has been a crutch for so long.
Anyway, the answer is obviously to go and see the GP but I am scared. I felt a bit down when pregnant when I did go. It wasn't a nice experience, the Dr I saw was sympathetic but not very 'warm'. She did offer to refer me for counselling, but as I was 32 week I didn't see the point. In the end I felt a bit better, I think talking about it helped.
I am worried about going on ADs (if that is what is suggested) but I know rationally that it might be for the best. I don't judge others for taking ADs but feel like I am failing if I end up taking them.
Anyway, just wanted to get it all out. Thank for reading if you got this far.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
Scared of going to the Doctor....
4 replies
Lotsoftears · 03/01/2014 09:33
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