I feel like I'm going mad

[Brockilly]

Hi there - am new here and this is my first post but I really feel like I need some advice.

DS2 is currently 27 days old. I have a DD who is almost 4 and a half. Since having my son I began by feeling nothing but love. I am now very scared by what I currently feel. I am very much up and down but the main overriding feeling is that I just don't want to have to deal with him anymore. I feel as though I resent him for upsetting this perfect easy life I had with my DH and DD. I am finding him and his waking in the night very hard work and this is just adding to the resentment. I feel as though I have made a massive mistake in having him.

I have spoken with my HV who is organising for me to speak to a counsellor but won't know when that'll be until at least tomorrow. I had a major meltdown this morning, was just sobbing for an hour and a half. Just feel liek I want to claw out of me the way I feel. All that said all I want is the feelings I am having just to go away and I just want to feel the massive feeling of love I had when I had my daugher.

I should point out that he isn't the most difficult baby in the world. He can be unsettled especially when feeding and directly after (formula feeding). Took him to a cranial osteopath on friday who told me that he had a significant strain in his neck due to the way he was born (short labour, kiwi cup which the doctor used like he was playing tug of war - oh and he was on the bigger side at 9lb 3oz) so am hoping this will sort him out and make him more settled.

My daughter was an extremely easy baby - she fed, drank all her milk and slept easily in between. She is still like a dream child. If i could bottle her up and sell her I'd be a trillionaire by now! Wondering if I feel like this because he's not doing what she did?

I guess what I want to know is if this is normal at this stage 4 weeks post baby or whether I'm spiralling into post natal depression, which is my biggest fear.

Sorry for the lengthy post!

[GivingYouEverything]

Hi there,

Firstly, I think you are incredibly brave to be so open and honest about your feelings. I felt EXACTLY the same when I had my 2nd child (now 6 months old) but I didn't want to tell anyone because I was so scared that people would think I was crazy and a bad mum. My fiance works 6/7 days a week and often found me in the kitchen when he got home from work sobbing my eyes out because I felt as though I couldn't cope with two young children and I also found myself a little resentful to my youngest for knocking our family routine apart! I don't want to babble on about me but just wanted to tell you a bit about myslef so that I could say this.....
It really does get easier, I promise you. Once you get past the sleepless nights and you get those first smiles, first giggle, first crawl, then you'll start to feel like your old self. I personally felt a lot better when I managed to get myself into a routine with the girls, I felt as if I wre coping, maybe start thinking about one for you and your children, nothing too rigid or to harsh just something that gives you some stability.
You don't mention if you have a partner so if you don't, see if you can leave your son with family or a supportive friend for an hour or so and spend some quality time with your daughter as she is probably feeling the strain of a new arrival. Also, I think that maybe you need some down time so, when you daughter is at school (I assume she goes to school or playschool) and your son is asleep, just sit and relax, try not to expect too much from yourself at this incredibly early stage. I believe that if you can try and stay calm, think positive thoughts then you can steer yourself away from depression. Do you have any friends who have children that may be in a similiar situation? I found that websites like this one eally helped me to come to terms with my own feelings when my second baby was born...

Don't think yourself as alone and keep talking :-) xx

[Brockilly]

Hello,

Thanks so much for your reply. Firstly I have a brilliant husband who is trying to be as supportive as he can but simply doesn't know what to say. I feel bad putting him through all this, not to mention my daughter. My daughter has been amazing, hasn't created at all despite as you say even though she is probably feeling the tension in me. She loves her brother so much and if she sees me upset, she gives me massive hugs and brings me one of her soft toys to comfort me. This unfortunately only makes me feel more guilty for putting her through it all.

She will be starting reception in September and in a way I am currently dreading it because it will mean me being alone with my son all day. I hope and pray by then he will be approx 8/9 weeks old and I will feel differently.

You mentioned routines - I was all about the routine with my daughter - bottles at 7, 11, 3 and 7 then bath, bed etc. I stuck to it rigidly. 4 weeks on and my son is still not doing that (although he is in some semblance of a routine and I am todl for a 'normal' newborn that is great - again I feel like I'm being ungrateful!

I appreciate your suggestion to leave my son with someone to have a break but I am worried that I will want to do that all the time which won't help with the bonding thing so at the moment I kind of force myself to deal with him when I really don't want to.

I would also point out that ordinarily I am so the opposite of hormonal. I wasn't hormonal during either of my pregnancies and my periods never affected me at all and I am usually so easy going and easy come, easy go. I guess that makes feeling liek I do all the more difficult.

I never thought having a second child would feel like this - I so wanted him when I was pregnant, the pregnancy couldn't have gone quick enough and it all feels like this massive disappointment.

Thanks for your reply though - any advise is good. xx

[GivingYouEverything]

Of course you wanted him, we all want our children, doesn't stop it being b**y hard work though :)

I don't know your situation so I can only give you my point of view. With your first baby, it almost seems easy because its just the two of you... I remember the only piece of advice that everyone used to give to me when I was pregnant, you sleep when they sleep. Well, when it comes to your second that goes out of the window straight off!

I found that with my first, I was more relaxed with her routine, I was more relaxed because I followed her lead. You mention your daughter's early routine, do yu find yourself trying to force bottles on your son at 7, 11 etc? Part of the reason that things were difficult between me and my youngest daughter was that I was trying to push the same routine on her as my eldest. I was constantly comparing the two of them and tried doing everything in exactly the same way, becasue I was nervous of doing anything differently. For example, I used to keep my youngest up all morning and then get her to have a long nap in the afternoon the same as my eldest always did, however she did not have the same ideas as me! We had a bad day when she was 5 weeks old because she got so over tired and wouldn't sleep (one of the days that I was curled up in a ball when my other half got home). That was a turning point for me, I didn't want to feel out of control anymore. The next day, I followed her lead, I fed her when she wanted it, I let her sleep, and I actually just spent some time talking to her while my eldest was having her nap, and slowly but surely, I got to know her and she made up her own routine. I learned alot more about my youngest when I was a little more relaxed and let her take the lead in the same way as I did with my first.

You mention that you don't want to spend time alone with your son, do you think that you may feel guilty? I only say this because when my eldest was born, I had that motherly instinct kick in and I swore to myself that I could never love anyone as much as I did with her. So when my youngest was born, I almost felt guilty for loving her because it felt as though I was betraying my eldest daughter (I know betray is the wrong word, I jsut can't think of another! :))

I hope you don't think I'm being patronising...I know its hard, but try not to compare him to your daughter and don't think your doing something wrong if you feel that sudden rush of love for your son, it doesn't mean you love your daughter any less.

[Brockilly]

A lot of what you have said makes a lot of sense, particularly with the routine thing. I did have it in my head that I wanted him to do what my daughter did and tried to get him into that and whilst I have realised that isn't going to happen straight away, I find it frustrating cos I'm always thinking well when is it going to happen.

I don't think the avoidance of spending time with him thing is out of guilt for my daughter. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it but I make myself do it because a) it's not fair on my hubby to do it all and b) I think avoiding him will just make things worse in the long run. I just want to feed/wind/cuddle/etc him because I want to not because I have to.

I'm making an appointment with my GP tomorrow (hopefully will be seen tomorrow) because I just cannot contemplate feeling liek this for much longer.

I really appreciate your coming back to me and your suggestions - don't mean to pooh-pooh them all but I realise you can only go on what I tell you and like you said, you don't know my situ in it's entirety.

Thanks again. x

[blackchloe]

OMG Your message is like a mirror on my own life.I have a 9 week old and a 5 year old and have had a meltdown just a few hours ago. My husband works shifts and I am finding the lack of sleep and grizzliness of my baby really difficult to deal with. I feel incredibly guilty about having rocked DD1s world and was longing earlier today for a return to "old times" with just the three of us. I just keep thinking what have I done? DD1 was a really easy baby . She was in special care when she was born and they put her in a 4 hourly routine. Although DD2 was relatively easy in ther first few weeks she is a nightmare at the moment in terms of feeding and sleeping. I also had a hideous labour with DD2 which resulted in a manual removal of the placenta and I do wonder if I am suffering some sort of post birth trauma. I know me sharing my concerns isnt helpful to your situation but I hope you realise that you are not alone :(