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AIBU?

to be literally ashamed that i ever got married....?

21 replies

superv1xen · 05/07/2010 17:19

...my decree absolute came through today. Been split from XH four years so not exactly a recent split.

Looking at it, it really brought home how DAMN STUPID i was to get married....within a year it was all over. i knew the relationship was not right even while the wedding was being planned. his proposal seemed half hearted, we had been together since we were teens and together 7 yrs before he popped the question, and i kind of felt under pressure to do it, not really by xh but by family, friends etc, stupid isnt it

anyway at the age of 25 i found myself walking down the aisle in a meringue in front of 100's of friends and family, knowing full well that i didnt really want to go ahead with it the whole day felt like i was watching it happen to someone else. i was almost embarassed being the centre of attention. i didnt really even find my xh that attractive anymore. had a crappy honeymoon but somehow managed to conceive DS who is the only good thing to have come out of it.

the thing i am most ashamed of is that my mum and dad spent £1000's on the "big day" , it was in a church as well which makes me feel even worse. despite me knowing it would never last but never daring to back out. the mad thing is, i am not sure XH really wanted to get married either, i think he too felt the pressure. thank god we didnt own a property and that DS was so young.

i am now engaged again, got another DC with my new P and very happy but after my last experience i am a bit wobbly about the thought of actually getting married, i know i want to spend the rest of my life with him, its just because my last marriage ended up such an embarassment. if / when we do the deed it will be just the 2 of us and maybe the kids. i know this time around this one is right for me.

anyway just feeling a little bit reflective today....

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Tryharder · 05/07/2010 17:27

I know what you mean. I got married when I was 24 and barely a year out of university. We had a bit of a whirlwind courtship and had only been together for about 7 months. He was very full on and I fell for his line and was too stupid and naive to see the reality.

My friends and family tried to talk me out of it but I knew best . Luckily we had no children and we divorced ater 3 years of marriage.

monkeyfacegrace · 05/07/2010 17:31

Super, you just described my exprience to a T. Apart from the last bit, Im going to marry my DP because I want to this time. I feel so guilty dad spent £24k on mine, which lasted two weeks.
So next time its a registry office fo me

TakeLovingChances · 05/07/2010 17:32

Am sorry to read about your experience, but am glad you're happy now and have 2 precious DC.

I knew a girl who had a similar experience. She married a guy because lots of their friends were getting married and she wanted to be part of 'the club'. In fact, they got married 2 months after DH and I got married. They've since broke up, and her brother (a friend of my DH) told us that she said on her wedding morning on the way into the ceremony that she knew it wouldn't last

YANBU.

monkeyfacegrace · 05/07/2010 17:32

The marriage that is, not the wedding, that was just the one day

inkyfingers · 05/07/2010 17:36

Your post shows that you know what you really want to avoid in a man and in a relationship. I wouldn't rush into getting married, but it sounds like it would be very different anyway. Make it how you want it and avoid a meringue and loads of guests - on your terms!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 05/07/2010 17:38

YANBU. OTOH, I met and married DH within 6 months. His bitch mother said it wouldn't last. 23 years yesterday.
Do whatever is right for you now, don't look backward, forward is the way. Good luck.

Carbonated · 05/07/2010 17:39

Don't regret it - it sounds like you learned a lot from the experience. A marriage isn't about the wedding day and many people seem to need several attempts to find that out! Good for you if you place the importance where it should be.

Choconellie · 05/07/2010 17:48

Planning a wedding is like a rollercoaster that you cant get off of. As you can see you're not the only one with a similar story. My 1st marriage didn't make it to two years. Usual big palava of a white wedding.
My 2nd wedding was in a registry office, 13 years in and we are still VERY happy. When you know you know
Don't be so hard on yourself.

gomummygo · 05/07/2010 18:05

Super you just described my first marriage, right down to the big white church wedding day feeling not right; I knew then that it wouldn't last but still went through with it. I am so thankful that I got out of it when I did, and I too do regret ever having done it for the years lost out of my life, though I did learn a lot.

I was also a bit wobbly when getting married to my DH, but it is so right. On our wedding day I kept saying to myself over and over "so THIS is what it is supposed to be like..." We eloped, just the two of us, it was perfect. Years later we are v. happily married with a wonderful DS and it is the exact opposite of my first marriage in every way.

Hope your second time around turns out wonderfully too, don't let mistakes of the past put you off of happiness in the future... all the best!

superv1xen · 06/07/2010 10:55

Glad I am not the only one! feel a bit less stupid now. and so glad that so many of you had better experiences second (or more) time around.

i totally agree with choconellie that planning a wedding is like a rollercoaster you can't get off, thats exactly how I felt!

my best friend is getting married next month which also has made me think about it all. her fiancee is a complete TWAT who treats her like shit, and I (sadly) suspect it won't last but I cant say anything to her and worse still, I am her bridesmaid. (but thats a whole other story lol)

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sam84uk · 06/07/2010 11:23

I feel like a major fool...together for 7 years in total (since I was 17), 2 beautiful children, mortgage and debt...the marriage lasted a year! Divorce was final in January but the financial part is an absolute nightmare. The house is in negative equity and up for sale.

I knew beforehand that things weren't right and the marriage shouldn't go ahead but went ahead anyhow. I thought it was best for the children and that was my lot in life (crappy relationship but wonderful kids)so to speak.

I'm now madly in love with my DP who gets on fabulously with the kids. He's desperate to get married and I'm a bit apprehensive about it all (got no money to do anything about it at the moment anyway). The kids are doing great though as apart from the financial mess with the ExH, things are amicable were the children are concerned.

I think my DP finds it a bit insulting that I'm not enthralled with the idea of marrying him even though I love him to bits after I married the Ex...who I didn't love at the time!

You're not alone Super... I got myself in to a very stupid situation and I'm ashamed!

stoppingat3 · 06/07/2010 11:26

I do know how you feel, I married DH at 19 as my Mum said i couldn't move out and live with someone without being at least engaged.
We than ran full steam ahead into a wedding and a baby (born one week before our 1st Anni)
There have been many times over those early years (even on the day itself tbh) where I was convinced it would not last.
But we carried on regardless and luckily we have grown up together and are coming up to our 12th wedding anniversary in October.
I know for sure if we had not married we would not have stayed together so I am very glad we did.
I agree with gomumygo - grab what you have now with both hands you sound much wiser this time round. good luck x

NicknameTaken · 06/07/2010 11:32

I console myself that at least my wedding was cheap (registry office, immediate family only) but the embarrassing thing is that I was old enough to know better - 33!

The marriage lasted 17 months, but only due to stubbornness on my part. Should have left within weeks.

Everyone in my wedding photos is completely grim-faced.

Chil1234 · 06/07/2010 11:36

There's actually a phrase knocking around the 'starter marriage'... lots and lots of people do it (myself included). Meeting someone at uni or at a relatively young age, living together and then drifting into a big wedding because it seems like the right thing to do at the time. Marry in haste, repent at leisure etc..... really,really common but don't let it put you off making another commitment in the future.

sam84uk · 06/07/2010 11:40

I like that phrase Chil

Nemofish · 06/07/2010 11:44

You are certainly not the first, superv1xen, and you won't be the last.

I nearly married a complete arsehole. However for various reasons I was lucky enough to be spared the shame of that.

Married dh 7 years ago, small wedding, now that's the way to do it!

Colliecross · 06/07/2010 14:27

Well, I am really embarrassed. I'm trying to think how to have my 4th wedding without family and friends roaring with laughter at the invitations and/or not bothering to show for this one.

superv1xen · 06/07/2010 15:55

omg colliecross - 4th???!!!!!!

;)

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Floopy21 · 07/07/2010 12:51

I'd be ashamed if I'd have got married knowing it was the wrong thing to do. Especially if someone else was paying.

ninah · 07/07/2010 12:57

I did this too supervixen, at 21
I talked to my mother about trying to back out but she said 'you can't it's all been paid for now'
so I just did it
and yes I was ashamed, and my family made a pariah of me for a long time

superv1xen · 07/07/2010 13:23

ninah i am so for you that your mum wouldn't let you back out, how awful.

what happened? are you happy now, i hope so x

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