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AIBU?

feel really sad

19 replies

JaxTellersOldLady · 01/07/2010 19:53

because my 10 year old DS has said he feels like he has a better connection with his Dad than with me.

We were just chatting and he said I feel like I have a better connection with Daddy than with you... I didnt know what to say, so just said, that is ok, sometimes you have more in common/similar interests with daddy than me, its ok. Then I said, do you feel closer to DH than me and he said Yes. I said you can talk to me about anything whenever you want... he said OK.

But to me I just feel so upset. Am IBU to be upset about this?

We havent fought, argued or anything, this has hurt me, havent showed DS though. Popping off to read with him for a bit. Will be back soon

OP posts:

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melikalikimaka · 01/07/2010 20:00

It does hurt, but every day is different. I have had things like that and worse said to me by my two DSs. But don't make a fuss, just be there when they come back to you.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/07/2010 20:02

You are not U to feel a bit upset, but I think you said all the right things. I know it's hard not to, but try not to take it to heart. It could just be how he feels at that particular moment and if you'd had this conversation next week he could have said something completely different

larks35 · 01/07/2010 20:04

I think YABabitU. He's only 10, his emotional intellegence is only just developing. Actually it is really good that he has a good connection with his daddy (so many kids don't ).

TBH like most kids he probably takes you for granted and sees daddy as a special treat. He does value you, he just doesn't know it yet! Don't be hurt by this, I think it is probably normal.

JaxTellersOldLady · 01/07/2010 20:19

His Dad and him are quite close, but I am the one who does all the shitty stuff and not a lot of fun stuff with them. I am a SAHM, so usually the 'bad cop'.

Actually I probably should have put this in WWYD rather than AIBU should I?

OP posts:

scattercushion · 01/07/2010 20:29

One image that helps me is thinking that whilst his dad is the moon - shiny, silvery and catches the eye, you are his whole world - helping him breathe, eat, sleep, dream. His everything; so vital but so close that he doesn't notice it.

HappySeven · 01/07/2010 20:35

I can really understand why that would hurt but he probably still turns to you when he's hurt or needs comfort, just he has more in common with his dad.

If it's any comfort a young male colleague (26) said to me recently that he was always his dad's boy, following him around, liking what he liked etc until he was 23 when he suddenly realised how special his mum is and is now a huge devotee of his mum's and thinks she's the bee's knees.

proudnsad · 01/07/2010 20:45

Why is everyone assuming traditional roles ie fun dad, weary invisible mum. Some of us work and our dhs are SAHDs! I know OP is SAH, but people presumed that.

YANBU, of course, you're not, but don't feel sad, feel blooming proud. It means he's very close to his dad, and is able to speak to you honestly and openly. You're both obviously doing something right!

littlebrownmouse · 01/07/2010 20:50

Err, because they're answering hte OP proudnsad and thats the situation she's in.

proudnsad · 01/07/2010 21:04

No people assumed that before she said she was SAH

lazarusb · 01/07/2010 21:56

When my son was 18 he told me I was cool and he was glad he had a mum like me. It was a long time coming but worth it. Don't worry OP, the fact that he felt he could tell you this is a clear sign of how close the two of you actually are

violethill · 01/07/2010 22:04

I agree with proudnsad.

Surely it's good that he feels a particularly strong bond with his dad, and also a strong enough bond with you to be able to tell you that? It sounds as though the two of you as parents probably have a better relationship with your child than many other parents do with theirs tbh.

Also, if he had told you that he felt the strongest connection with you, surely that wouldn't overall be any 'better', because it would mean a slightly less close relationship with their dad? I think it's only natural that a child sometimes bonds 'more' with one parent, but its also true that these things are organic - you may grow closer to him at various phases. We don't have a right to feel that our child must feel closer to their mum. I honestly think you have nothing to feel sad about

JaxTellersOldLady · 02/07/2010 08:19

scattercushion

I like your way of thinking and I will remember that in future. Moon and world! perfect.

To all the others that think I am bashing his relationship with his father, I am not, I love the fact that they are close and I love the fact that as a family the 4 of us are open and honest with each other. We talk about everything and any questions (however awkward) are answered.

I suppose DD and I are closer as we have more in common, and she loves her Daddy to bits, so maybe yesterday I just felt a bit sensitive.

Thanks all for your opinions, is always nice to read how others think - whether agreeing or not with OP.

OP posts:

Besom · 02/07/2010 08:32

It's understandable to feel a bit hurt by this.

He is just exploring how he feels about different things and gender identity/relationships will be high on his agenda as a pre teen, I imagine. He may feel he wants to connect more with his dad at the moment because he is starting to contemplate (the very, very beginnings of) the transition to 'manhood'. It may also be the start of the teenage thing of trying to push you away slightly .

His feelings and emotions will be very fluid at this age so you need to try not take it to heart. It sounds as if you said exactly the right things to him.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2010 08:35

I agree with others who have said he may have a good connection with his dad but if he was ill I am sure he would want his mum!!

thesecondcoming · 02/07/2010 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 02/07/2010 08:56

I well up at that too, with no hormonal excuse, I never knew my dad and love that DD is a daddy's girl.

cory · 02/07/2010 09:28

I think it's the age: I have a 10yo and he is very into his dad and far more critical of me. It's the transition to manhood, as besom says: he has just woken up to the fact that one day, in the not to distant future, he is going to be a man, not a woman.

I think at this stage it is essential to insist on respectful behaviour towards you as a woman (should also be modelled by his dad, of course), but not to show yourself weak by going emotional or pleading. Your response sounds immaculate! [smile}

We can always prop each other up on here

Cretaceous · 02/07/2010 09:46

I think my DS is closer to his dad than to me, but I think that's great. My DD is closer to me. I think that sometimes boys find all this analysis that women do (sorry for the sweeping generalisation, but in our house anyway) a bit hard going. If my DS is upset over anything, I'd analyse it to death, while my OH would just go and help DS mend his bike in silence, or something similar and manly. Now my DD perfers a big analysis and tears and screaming, which my OH just can't handle!!!

JaxTellersOldLady · 02/07/2010 12:02

lol cretaceous, I understand the 'girl' thing totally. Lots of tears, screaming and stomping goes on in this house too. Thanks to DD who has just turned 7. She is very much a girl, knows what she wants, how she wants it and is very very vocal in letting everyone know. My DS is much quieter and chilled and doesnt let rip unless he is very cross about something. Dont get me wrong, if his sister is bugging him, winding him up and generally being a PITA he will tell her to get lost! Loudly!

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