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AIBU?

to be bad tempered about this

20 replies

PercyPigPie · 02/06/2010 19:34

I think my DH spends a lot of time with people who work away from home and has got things out of perspective - or maybe I have. Please advise.

How happy would you be if your DH was to want to accept a job working over 500 miles from home, flying there for 3 days a week, with a fourth day travelling from home and back in a day (200 mile round trip in the opposite direction). Was happy-ish for this, but he has now revealed that he has semi-promised the fifth day away from home too if they need him. I was hoping that, given I won't see him for the initial half of the week, he would agree to work the final day from home (this was what we had agreed). By the time our children are in bed, we will have about 2 childfree hours together all week.

3 children under 9 (youngest 3). Also means that if I go back to work this next year, our children will have to go to afterschool care most probably, which is something I thought we wanted to avoid.

I know there is a recession etc though, jobs scarce bla bla bla

Am I being unreasonable? Would your family work on this basis? would you want to live like this?

OP posts:

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TubbyDuffs · 02/06/2010 19:37

Can't say I'd be happy; is it a long term thing, or something that will just happen for a few months?

If long term, I think I would look to move nearer to work or look for another job.

Plumm · 02/06/2010 19:38

DH works in London Mon-Thurs, comes home Thurs night then works from home Fri. It works for us but we only live 2/3 hours from London so when DD is on school holiday we can go into London for a holiday (as we are now).

Since we've been married DH has done various jobs where he's been away for a few days a week. It was a lot easier before we had chldren as I was working and could get in some overtime on the evenings he wasn't there.

Even though DD would only see him for an hour, tops, if he worked near home she does miss him when he's away.

So, in conclusion, it works for us but you have to make it work and both be in agreement.

cakeywakey · 02/06/2010 19:40

I defintely wouldn't be happy about him promising to work the fifth day as well.

It's a lot for you to take on as well, being in sole charge of the children and house for the whole of the working week.

My DH works long hours and I find that bad enough. I wouldn't like him to take on this kind of arrangement. But, it depends on what your situation is exactly. Hope you can sort it out so that you're both happy with what's decided.

PercyPigPie · 02/06/2010 19:42

We've managed the last four years him being away 3-4 days a week. There is something very isolating though about knowing your husband will be 9 hours drive away if needed urgently (to date, he has been a couple of hours away).

It is longish term - 2 years or so, and should be good for long term career progression.

OP posts:

PercyPigPie · 02/06/2010 19:43

Forgot to say - thanks for input so far.

OP posts:

bubbleymummy · 02/06/2010 19:47

Can you not move nearer to his job? I definitely wouldn't want to see so little of my dh every week. He works from home 3 days a week and I miss him the two days that he's away even though he's home that evening! It must be very hard for you.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 02/06/2010 19:49

YANBU.

My DH wouldn't agree to this and I wouldn't do it either.

pinkpanettone · 02/06/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

minipie · 02/06/2010 20:25

I wouldn't be happy, no, but it really depends on what choices he has work-wise.

If he doesn't agree to this, will he lose the job? Will they cut his pay? Will he never be promoted? Can he get a different job which is just as good but without so many days away?

I'm sure he hasn't agreed to this lightly so I'm wondering what his reasons are.

Sn0wflake · 02/06/2010 20:31

I'd hate it (but then I made my husband promise to never work away from home for any length of time before we got married). Throw young children in and I think this is too much. You are going to resent him and the job. He's being unreasonable and it may ruin your relationship.

rebl · 02/06/2010 20:32

I wouldn't be happy and I'm not happy as I find ourselves in a similar situation. But considering my dh has been out of work for 3 months and its the 1st and only job thats come along I'm accepting it with grace and in the knowledge that he's continuing looking locally.

So if you are in that situation I would say that don't be too hard on him, just accept that right now jobs are hard to come by and be grateful he has one.

rookiemater · 02/06/2010 20:35

I wouldn't be happy if DH committed to this without my agreement, although I know it is the norm for a number of couples. However DH is a contractor and if it was the only way he could get a job then he would probably have to do it.

Is he on a high salary, if so then he can't really dictate that every Friday he works from home, it won't work like that?

I think it would be very hard for you if you go back to work as effectively you will have to shoulder all child care responsibilities as no chance of him commuting back to look after sick child.

Sidge · 02/06/2010 20:37

My DH is away with work for 5 months so your situation sounds fine to me

On a more serious note, I would say it depends on many factors. Is the pay worth it? Is it a job he could get nearer to home with similar pay and benefits? How much leave allowance will he get? Why does he feel the need to work away so much? Is it the sort of industry where this is normal working practice? Will he be demoted or passed over for promotion if he doesn't take it?

You need to sit down together and have a deep and meaningful I think.

lolapoppins · 02/06/2010 20:37

My dh has worked abroad 4-5 days a week on and off since we got together, I really don't mind it at all.

We only have one child though, maybe I'd feel differently of we had more.

Saying that though, if he commuted to nearest uk office he'd leave the house at 6am and not get back until after 8pm and he'd be knackered all the time. He did that for a month or so last year and it was horrible, much better him having a hours flight twice a week.

lovechoc · 02/06/2010 20:37

no job is ideal though. DH works 12 hour shifts (night shift and day shift) and is doing a stint of 5 nights this week so I'm doing it all on my own - it is hard coping when you know your other half is upstairs sleeping and you can't ask him for help when you are 8 months pregnant with a toddler to care for too(have drafted in some help in the afternoons from my folks but gave them loads of notice incase they had other plans).

I would prefer DH didn't do nightshift and on a bad day I've shouted that he should look for another ruddy job but at the moment any job is better than none so I'm being grateful for our current situation. I know it could be MUCH worse...

Try and think of it like that too. Not everyone is as lucky and although it does seem an awful lot of days he is away from home, your DH has a good job and you can't ask for much more than that just now with the current financial climate being what it is.

Hassled · 02/06/2010 20:40

My family does work like this a lot of the time - like everything else, it just becomes normal. It's hard work at times, especially when the DCs were younger, and it's hard for DH as he misses loads and sometimes struggles to slot back into things at home. I've become maybe too self-reliant.

But the difference is that it's a decision we made together - your DH can't impose this on you, assuming there are other options available.

lovechoc · 02/06/2010 20:40

oh and DH is lucky he will get a final salary pension with his job so it would be foolish to look for another job anyway - long term benefits are good.

just another factor to weigh in...

faerie07 · 02/06/2010 20:41

At the moment my DH works long hours and comes home very late most days. I tend to wait up for him to at least 'see' him and end up with lots of late nights. TBH I find it easier when he is away for a few days instead!

I think the Friday at home is a very fair trade off for him being away, and I think he is being unfair offering his services to his company for Fridays (unless he thinks that it will be just an occasional Friday?).

PercyPigPie · 02/06/2010 20:56

In answer to the questions - the industry he works in is away from where we live. He led me to believe (and he believed) his local job with same Co would be safe, but it wasn't. There is no certainty he would be able to get something local and the salary for this is higher than currently.

It's just such a rush with afterschool clubs when he is away (one night they are 6.30-8pm and another 6-7pm) and by the time the children are in bed I am too tired to watch a film or read a meaty book; I just want to vegetate on here. It seems to take ages to get three fed, bathed, school reading done afterwards.

Sidge and others in more difficult situations - don't know how you do it.

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rookiemater · 02/06/2010 22:07

Well if his job is not secure and this offers a higher salary it doesn't appear as if he has huge choices so is doing the best he can for his family.

I can imagine that it must be hard with three on your own, having said that after a day at work once I have put DS to bed I have no energy or inclination to go out either as although DH works locally he is doing long hours at the minute so is generally not back before DS's bedtime.

I sympathise it doesn't sound great, but if the other option is unemployment then I believe you need to support your DH in this for the short term.

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