to think that wanting an afternoon to myself does not equate to "not loving my kids".

[TheSteelFairy2]

Have also posted this in Lone Parents but just feel so upset that only getting him slagged off in AIBU will do.

Today he was supposed to so something with kids for the afternoon, so I made plans.

He arrives on time but then makes me feel guilty as he is taking them to the fair and dd "just won't enjoy it without you". So I go with them. Then tells me that he needs to be back by a certain time, thus cutting even further into my time. No way to get done what I want to do in the couple of hours he has now given me.

I had a moan and asked him how he would feel if everytime he went out someone said yes fine, but you can only go for two hours - that is the most time I ever get before he has to go and do his plans, to which he responded by telling me I am selfish, have Mental Health issues and if I really hate being with my kids that much I should let him move back in and I can just go and do my own thing. This is because I told him I just want one afternoon a month that is not encroached upon or changed or I am made to feel guilty about. All this twisted into me not loving my kids.

He then used all this to justify storming off in front of dc, making them cry and thereby denying me ANY time at all to myself.

Just a rant really because I just really fu*king hate him, I really do. He just hates me doing anything by myself, he was always like this when we were married too, so controlling.

[CheekyPinkSox]

When he next has kids, and he says he will fetch them back at x time, go out and make sure that he knows you are having some time to yourself.

[cocolepew]

What a tosser, refuse to go next time he tries it. If he says the DDs won't like it without you, tell him to change the activity to something they would like to do.

[Tryharder]

You know that you shouldn't have caved in and gone to the fair in the first place, don't you????

But it's done, it's over, he's a twat, open up a bottle of wine (if you haven't already done so) and don't let him spoil the rest of your evening.

[MadameOvary]

What a lovely man, you must miss him terribly.

But seriously, rant away. What a tosser.
Can you learn from this and next time he says something like your DD wouldn't enjoy it without you, just say "Oh of course she will, she loves her Daddy" with a big smile.

That's what I used to do. Been there.

[happycopter]

Jesus fucking Christ on a horse-drawn apple cart.

What a knob-end.

Ummm... let me think...

NO YOU ARE BLOODY WELL NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!!

[TheSteelFairy2]

lol Tryharder I know, I know!!!

Thanks all, I actually feel a little better already just ranting on here.

Thats good MadameOvary will definitely do that next time as it is a favoured technique of his as dd is so clingy to me, which I love btw, but she is fine once I go, he just uses it to make me feel crap.

Love the way he stormed off as well because I was being "impossible" really achieved his aim to royally screw up my afternoon didn't he?

[TheSteelFairy2]

"Jesus fucking Christ on a horse-drawn apple cart."

I got "Christ on a Bike" from MN and love that saying but yours tops it by miles happycopter .

[BouncingTurtle]

SF - your ex, for example, is a twat

No wonder you left him, he acting like a child!

[TheSteelFairy2]

He has always been like this.

I post about him periodically on MN to get some perspective and regroup my defences.

Apparently I have "well documented" Mental Health Issues that make me "like this". Yes I must be a total nutter to be wanting more than two hours to myself every 6 months.

[Mamalade]

Put his picture on a gay singles site.Job done.

[happycopter]

Happy to please

[mummytime]

Get yourself a proper babysitter! When my DH has been away, my kids have cheered when I got a babysitter so I could go to my bookgroup. We all need time without kids, and as a lone parent you need more than most (cos your doing it by yourself). If you can't afford one see if you can do a kid share with a friend for some sanity. (I find more kids can be easier than just mine, sometimes.)
YANBU

[TheSteelFairy2]

My ds has SN so difficult to find a babysitter really, no friends here either (I know, I know I sound like such a saddo!).

[MadameOvary]

Hope its helpful Steelfairy, plenty more where that came from :

"You know, I'm really pleased DD is getting to spend time with you. She is always so happy after she's seen you"
All said with a big smile, and a quick "See you later!" and swift exit before he has time to register what's going on.

[TheSteelFairy2]

It's the "well can't you come with us, the kids would love it, you can always go out afterwards" thing I find hard to deal with, feel so guilty and just can't say no, I know also if I do then it will be used against me at a later date as evidence of what a shit Mum I am.

Oh well, I am sure it must get easier......Please tell me it gets easier!

[halfawake]

YANBU!!

Of course it doesn't mean you don't love your kids if you occasionally want to some time for yourself while your kids are supposed to be with their dad - what a twat! And as for "mental health issues"... yeah right

Easier said than done but try to take his nonsense on the chin, because obviously it is nonsense!

[toccatanfudge]

blawdy 'ell.

even my DS's know that I love them loads but I LOVE having an afternoon/time to myself just as much as they love seeing their dad (not that they see him often )

[cupcakesandbunting]

It sounds like he is trying to get you to see that him moving back in is the best thing for him you by making things difficult for you and hopefully (for him) you'll realise howmuch you need him.

Utter bollocks. Next time he has DCs, tell him "I will be out until 5/6/7/whatever o' clock so there will be no point in dropping them back until then, thankyou -smile sweetly-"

Cheeky sod.

[TheSteelFairy2]

I know that he really resents me chucking him out but he was always like this when we were together, couldnt bear me going out and doing stuff by myself, always trying to sabotage it and make me feel selfish for not wanting to be with "the family".

There is no real reasoning with him, there is nothing he won't say, no depths he won't sink to hence telling me that I don't love the kids etc because I want to go out for the afternoon.

Oh well, at least I don't have to see him as often as I used to.

Apparently he is coming to see dc tommorrow evening so I will just be ready with my bag and shoot out the door as soon as he arrives.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

He, for instance, is a twat, who is clearly trying to punish you by using guilt tactics. Nice.

[Fel1x]

When he says 'Why dont you come too? The Dcs will enjoy it so much more" what he is actually saying is 'I would find it so much easier if you came rather than having to do it all on my own'
Next time reply with 'Oh no, I couldnt deprive them of Daddy time, they see me all the time and really love spending time just with you'
Then go out and dont get home until he is due back!

[mummytime]

If your child has SN, do try and find a local support group. If you lived my way we have a great group called disability action who run special playgroups for some SN kids etc.
Actually I will always admire a single mum I knew who had 2 kids under 5, one of whom had severe cerebral palsy, I don't know how she managed on her own. But she did get support, and I know there was an old lady who came in to give her some respite.
Do get help, you need to remain sane. And ignore your Ex's snide comments, that is why he's your ex.

Good luck!

[TheSteelFairy2]

Thanks all, feel a lot better now, just being able to rant about it really helps.

Screw him. Just took kids out in the rain with wellies, waterproofs and dog and they got soaked, which was fine as I was able to put them straight into PJ's when we got back so they are ready for bed already, which is great! it was lovely though and I adore being with them but just need a break every now and then without being made to feel rubbish about it.

[Mamalade]

You don't have to justify that to us Steelfairy2.I'm sure we all feel the same from time to time.
Of course your children adore you and you them.
I think mine always pick up on it when I'm strung out.We owe it to them to give them 100% but how can we do that unless we recharge the batteries every now and then.
Don't beat yourself up.you're doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.
Your DCs are lucky to have you.
Don't forget it.