to want to decide whether I go to the funeral and not be told to ?

[herbgarden]

A friend of my parents died recently. They were family friends so not someone I vaguely knew but as I'm now 41 with my own family and life I have seen the couple if they've been at my parents or at bigger events as I've got older.

I work part time and this year as DD is starting school I have little holiday available. The funeral is on one of my working days.

My mother is a little bit "not lose face" type. I have two siblings. One has no kids and one has a full time nanny. Both are able to take time off to go to the funeral. and have no childcare issues,

My mother was giving me a hard time the other day as I told her that I probably wouldn't be going - I said that if it had been a non-work day I could have probably got my in-laws to sit with the kids and would have attended but it doesn't work this year and explained why - she was having none of it.

She gave me the silent reproach treatment.

To be honest I know her reaction is partly that she wants to be seen to have her whole family with her. I am irritated that she hasn't even asked me if I want to go. It is my choice after all and truthfully in this particular instance I would be going as a duty to my parents rather than because I wanted to go.

Is that bad? If my mum was going on her own I would have gone to support her but she's not - she has a good family support that day.

[deaddei]

YANBU.
It is not a relative.
I will not attend any of DH's family funerals because we never see them/there is no relationship. I will attend the funerals of people I like, had respect for and will genuinely miss- not because of a sense of social obligation.

[Coldhands]

YANBU. What deaddei said.

Why go if you don't want to? No point whatsoever.

[hocuspontas]

I certainly wouldn't like to be told to go. If I thought the widow/remaining family would like to see me there I would go. I wouldn't go just because my family wanted me to.

[2rebecca]

It is your choice. Act like an adult and tell your mum that you hardly knew her and it's not convenient to go and that you don't expect her to go to the funerals of your friends.
Some people are more into funeral going than others.

[herbgarden]

thanks - I'll stick to my guns. My mum can be a bit like that sometimes and I really wish she could understand that they are her friends not mine - I didn't choose them as a child. Some of them I like and some of them I'm not fussed about.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Hmm. I think YABalittlebitU, although I can see your point. You need to think why it's so important for your mum that you go.

This is someone you have grown up with, and who was important to your family, especially your parents.

So I think not to go is a little disrespectful.

Can you re-arrange your working days? Or could you take half a day off? A funeral won't take all day.

I'm sorry for your loss, btw - even if it's not family it can be distressing to lose someone you have known all/most of your life.

[TidyBush]

YANBU. I hate this kind of social pressure to be 'seen' to be doing the right thing.

Whilst it is of course very sad for your parents to lose a friend, it is not your responsibility to be at the funeral as (yet another) family representative.

DH and I get this kind of rubbish from DM and DMIL who do things like present us with a card to write to some 'old family friend/distant relative' who's having a special birthday/not well/moving house etc. Err, that'll be a no, we'll manage our own relationships thanks.

[2rebecca]

Some people's mums seem to get upset at the drop of a hat though, so I wouldn't use the fact that someone might be upset as a reason to go somewhere/ do something. Getting upset when people don't do what you want is just manipulative behaviour.
I don't tell other people whose funerals they should attend and I don't expect other people to tell me what to do. Even my kids and husband get a choice as to whether or not to accompany me to funerals.

[BritFish]

if you dont want to go, then dont. a friends niece didnt go to the funeral of her gran who she was very close to, because she hated funerals and wanted to say a private goodbye to her beloved gran.
some people need to go to the funeral, i dont think anyone should be there out of duty really.
sympathies to your mum though, sounds like she's having a tough time dealing with this

[Lonnie]

the perfect solution to this is to do like I did and move aboard then you dont get asked to attend funerals of anyone bar the REALLY important ones (only a half joke)

YANBU tell your mother you do not have the childcare but you will send flowers and you will say a prayer (if you are religious) and remind her that she will have your siblings along

[thumbwitch]

YANBU. If you had no childcare/work issues, I would think it wouldn't hurt you to go along but as you DO have these issues your mother IBU to expect you to drop everything for someone you didn't even know that well.

A friend of mine, in her 80s, doesn't "do" funerals. She didn't go to her mother's, her husband's, or any of her siblings. No one told her that she "should" be going to any of them (or rather, if they did try telling her, they got pretty short shrift)

[princessparty]

YANBU.The funerals I have been to always have a card for you to write your on your name and the names of the people you are representing.Surely your mum will be representing you

[LittleMissHissyFit]

if you don't want to go, don't go. ignore the pouting from your mum. honestly, what's the worst that can happen?