Mumsnet Talk

The daughter is 15 months old, and actually I'm quite fed up with bf myself, but still do it evening and weekends, trying to keep it to only in my own home.

I'm having a hard time and feel quite torn about it.

I'm not really talking much to people about it, other than my husband or friends I asked for advice.

I'm living in a different country to my family, so they see me twice a year. Last time was when the little one was 10 months old, and apart from my teenage niece who was weirded out, nobody had a problem with it. I'm discrete and not evangelical about it. I never planned to do it that long, but it's more by accident, because it suited us and is less faff than bottles.

Why o why do my mum and my sister have to ask me every bleedin time we talk on the phone whether I'm still breastfeeding? And when I say yes, pass judgement and tell me to stop, because the daughter is allegedly too old, and has teeth and bites. Well she has teeth, but she doesn't bite. But since I'm not in yer face about it all, why bring it up? Why criticise? And why do they not understand that it's not as easy as simply not doing it anymore? I don't think my sister's experience of weaning my niece onto the bottle at 4 months is comparable with trying to wean a toddler.

My mum in the mean time started to understand that it's pissing me off and became a little bit more supportive, but I resent that the rest of the world sees me as a crazed lentilknitter who either forces her boob onto her child for her own gratification or who is simply a pushover who's got no control.

I find it pretty hurtful. And I don't get why they can't leave me alone about it, when I neither preach about it nor force them to watch it.

It seems I can't do nothing right.

Just tell them you've stopped ?

I'm bfing a 14mo too and am rather fed up of it. Stopping is easier said than done isn't it!

Don't think it'd work to tell them I stopped, we're going over there to visit in 4 weeks time and unless a miracle happens, I guess she'll still have a bedtime snack.

I'd say 'don't ask unless you're prepared to react supportively'. Try that a few times and then say you're not talking about it any more and change the subject. Be assertive, take control of the conversation.

Unfortunately, bfing past about six months is seen as a transgressive act by many people in this country. I agree with Len - you need to be a bit more assertive about it. Have one completely honest conversation with your mum and sister about it - tell them how hurtful and demoralising their comments are - and tell them that if they can't be supportive, you don't want to discuss it with them any more. And then stick to your guns.

LG is right. Practice saying "it's nothing to do with you, you need to change the subject" - (and also dealing with the "oooh who's hoity toity today then?" comebacks). Fundamentally it is none of their business, it's between you & yr child how you feed them. Accept that THEY are overstepping a boundary unasked.

Yeah, you're right, I need to be a bit more assertive. I think it'd be easier if I was convinced I'm still doing the right thing. Maybe I am just a pushover.

I have had to re-convince myself every six months for nearly four years! I also used to have a terribly tedious regular phone call until I changed the rules of engagement. The calls stopped, result.

You're not a pushover, WW. I think most women who bf past about a year question what they're doing and feel pretty conflicted about it; those who don't have unusually impregnable levels of self-belief IMO. Full-term bfing is so unusual (less than 1 per cent of all mothers?), and attitudes against it are so vitriolic (especially the conflation of bfing with sexuality), that very few of us feel completely confident in it all the time.

I had a major wobble when my DS2 was coming up to his second birthday. Luckily that was when I found MN, as well as a couple of friends in RL who were also still plugging away with toddlers.

are oyu stil breastfeeding?

arf

Nearly four years Su and I take note of each and every single bloody feed now and fervently hope it's the last one.

I see your arf and send a raspberry in its direction.

Don't pretend to stop-you perpetuate myth then that it is a weird shameful thing to do.
A brisk 'Snout out' works very well i find when people interfere beyond their remit-whatever the subject.

A great favourite in our family (usually with each other).

Su, if you can't be supportive then I'm not going to discuss it with you.

Arf!

god i cant imagine anything worse than 4 years.

How about 5 years?

I'll get back to you in a year or two.

So, going anywhere nice on holiday?

I thought maybe Bulgaria for a spot of breast reduction surgery

Sounds splendid. Is there a spa?

it's so easy and great for getting them to calm before bed. I bf DD till she decided There wasn't any thing there at 18 months.

DS1 till he was 24mths. my family minded their own business. I would have ignored them if they'd commented but I quite understand how infuriating it must be for you.

if it's any consolation my DCs are now adult and are very proud that they were bf for that long. Also the doctors suggest that the longer you do it for the less likely you are to get breast cancer!! Tell your mum that!!

Message withdrawn

Hi

Really is none of their business. I dont know why these people even feel the need to ask. Its so critical and nosey.

Im sure you can tell by my reply that Im still feeding although DD is nearly 1 (next week!) so a bit younger but like you I feel quite fed up with it. I only do AM and PM and im planning my strategy to give up. I am glad I've reached the point of being mentally ready rather than forcing myself and DD.

I get THE QUESTION all the time. Mainly from my NCT friends for whom mostly all it didnt work out and/or they gave up without trying breastfeeding properly so there has always been a weird undercurrent about it (only one other girl exclusively BF)

This makes me angry andsad so family must be much worse.

Hope you are able to stop when it suits you with minimal fuss. Good luck

Still bf my 18m old ds3, though only twice a day. The way I see it, he likes it, I don't mind doing it (though it would quite suit me in some ways if he decided to drop it), so who else is there to care? I tend not to tell other people though, especially my MIL who is pretty horrified by bf full-stop. I certainly don't care if other babies are bottle fed or breast fed for however long, so I don't see it as anyone else's business.

Ds3 had a terrible sickness bug a few weeks ago and DH took him to our GP because we were worried he'd eaten next to nothing - lovely GP said what a good job I'd done keeping him hydrated. He won my nice man of the week award, just because you get so used to the funny looks.

My GP is also fab about it. I went to see him when DS2 was about three and had v mild eczema. The GP spotted that DS2 was still bfing (I think because DS2 had his hand down my top) and said 'That's absolutely the best thing you can do for him'.

It's a difficult situation, as you are finding bf hard and maybe they're picking up on that and trying to be supportive by giving you the 'permission' to stop (not that you need it).

I'm still bf DS who has just turned 2, but I'm still happy to do so atm. I've just been very open about my plans (initially to bf until he was 2, now to tandem feed to ease his transition into brotherhood in a few months etc). That way people are very clear what my plans are and there's no scope for the 'are you still bf?' question.

I do sometimes get asked by people I don't know well and I just tend to tell them straight that yes I am and I intend to continue for as long as it's working for me/DS.

YANBU, it is an irritating question.