to be annoyed at friend for dissing my parenting

[DonttellDH]

with no alternative advice?

My dd gets excited when she sees our friends, these friends and others. she is a whirlwind, is quite noisy, exciteable, hard to calm, but happy and lovely with it, a typical 3.5year old with an audience, she does not always listen to what we ask especially when there are babies around for her to coo over that she knows, or indeed her new 8wk old brother.

When i spoke to her last, she said to me 'i am surprised you let her ignore you the way she does, you ask her to sit down at the table so many times, my mother would have lost her rag after the first couple of times, you need to discipline her more' and that it irritated her that we 'did nothing' (ie, although we asked her, we kept asking and returning her to her chair when she got down, and did not 'lose our rag' Apparantly her mother had a tone. I said that we like to choose our battles carefully, as once we start we have to continue in a certain way, and don't like for life to be constant battle, try to reward good behaviour and ignore bad, where we can. Also said, that children need time to learn behavour, its not instant, and whe she is 7, i am sure she will sit well behaved at the meal table. I also said that tone is subtle and needs to a) be learnt and b) be subtle enough that they hear it without it being aggressive or shouty, and others outside of the family might not even here it, when it finally becomes recognised.

Then, I was talking about my friend saying her DP has lost confidence in how he will parent their 5 month old, talking to my DH and he said it might be due to a conversation he had with her. It turns out, she also mentioned this issue with our parenting to him as well.

She said it in such a patronising 'come on its easy' kind of way and it has upset me that she clearly spends time judging our parenting and how crap we are at it. DH told her 'wait til your LO is 3.5, then we will discuss this again' and told me to not worry about other peoples opinions on our parenting (we are mostly united in our parenting, DH and I, and we discuss it a lot, how we will manage xyz behaviour). I just do not feel happy that our parenting is being discussed (not surprised, people are people), and that she felt it ok to comment, without offering any kind of support or guidance as to how she feels we should do it, other than 'lose our rag, but with a tone not shouting'.

I know IABU to be upset, i should just grow thicker skin, but it relly hurt, she is meant to be a friend.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

You are definitely NBU. Bad enough to be judging your parenting at all, but if she doesn't actually have a child near the same age either, she clearly doesn't know what she's talking about.

Your DH sounds lovely and that was a great response from him.

[120]

It is difficult not to get hurt when we feel criticised. IMHO people find dealing with other people's pre-schoolers bad behaviour very difficult and annoying. They want to let off steam and like to blame the parents.

As you said, wait until hers is 3.5, then sit back and enjoy.

[Vallhala]

YANBU and all credit to you for being calm. Some of us are just a bit jealous if we aren't such patient types.

I'd be tempted to tell the friend just that - how fortunate you are that you and DH are patient parents and how this will reap rewards in the end (take it from an impatient mother of teenagers, you'll come out on top in the end whilst the likes of me are still foaming at the mouth!).

Your friend was rude, but don't let her trouble you, she'll learn!

[coldtits]

hey when Ds1 was 8 months old, I was fucking HORRIFIED by my neighbour's 4 year old. I couldn't understand how she could allow her to be so loud, so rude, so ignorant, so unkind.

I ate my words and so will they. the best of it is, you will know they haven't got a parenting problem when their baby is 3.5 - but they won't.

[DonttellDH]

Thank you, don't get me wrong, DH and I have many disagreements on our parenting, but we learn from our discussions, and talk until we come up with solutions we are both happy with, or accept that we will try one way, even if the other is not happy with that way, and if it does not work, try the other way. We both know what our ultimate goal is in what we are doing, sometimes, the way we get to where we are going is different!

But, DD is the most lovely well behaved girl, she is fun and happy, but she is also active and lively. Friend's DH called her a 'thug' the other day as she likes a bit of rough and tumble and has high pain threshold and limited fear. We encourage that when outside, gets it all out. But often, we are inside and when she is excited she has to be asked to calm down a few times, she gets distracted so does not always want to eat her food, and when people are visiting/we are visiting people, they only see her never eating her food, and make presumptions.

I have other friends who of course judge people do, but another friend for example, has a 1yr old, she has been using our DD as a 'marker' for her DD, seeing how we do things, discussing it with us, offering us bits of info from say a cousin with a child 'have you thought about trying xyz to get her to stay in bed at night time? might work, worked for blah blah' now that is fine, she is geniunely interested to see if it works, and learn herself from it. And she has also taken time over the last 3/5years to get to know our DD, not just be around her, but to know how she ticks.

[duchesse]

The best parents in the world are:

1. Primary school teachers without children of their own
   
2. People pregnant with their first child
   
3. Parents of one little (preferably non-mobile) baby
   
4. Parents whose own children are in their 30s or 40s
   
5. Childless people whose siblings or friends have children
   
   We should feel lucky that they choose to share their experience and wisdom with us. The rest of us should shut the feck up about parenting.

[DonttellDH]

ladies - you have cheered me up.

thing is our best friends have a now 7 yr old, and at times dh and i were a bit at their parenting style. we talked amongst us two about it, and acknowledged how easy it was for us to sit in judgement about something we have no clue about. I remember us talking about a specific incident and saying how we should pay attention to whether it worked or not, in case we ever needed it! And we did! We learnt it was not our way, but we also learnt through experience why it was not our way and why it was their way. And I would never ever have dreamed of telling them as a childless couple that i did not agree with it! What kind of support would that be? You are dealing with a bad situation badly?

I would not even mind if it was a bad situation. It was just DD getting up from the table a million times during a meal, wanting to coo over babies at the other end of the table, or wanting a bit of daddy's food so leaning over for the umpteenth time. All of which were challenged, but not forcefully.

[DonttellDH]

duchesse that is sooooo true! You made me feel a million times better

At least I am not alone, it happens to all of us.

I do try really hard to either be non-judgmental, esp as a parent myself i know how hard it is, or, esp as a non-parent, not impose my limited (or then non-existent) knowledge of parenting. Unless asked, then i try to offer advice as it is, in response to the question.

Very good advice about not talking about our parenting/our kids behavour with others if negative. Its more a problem when it is witnessed.

I shall stop people visiting early evening or lunch time for a start. DD is worse when she is hungry/tired. The word NO is shouted a lot in those times. Poor love, i can see the hunger/tiredness in her words!

[Sazisi]

You sound like wonderful parents to me, the kind of mum I try to be.
Unfortunately, I do tend to lose my rag a bit by the third or fourth time asking the dds to do something; this isn't good parenting - it's crap . And I'm reasonably sure my children aren't better behaved because of it (in fact I think I'm setting a bad example).

[DonttellDH]

sazisi we do 'lose our rag' from time to time, we are human! Not wanting to sound perfect, we are absolutely not, we make mistakes, and shout sometimes, we lose our cool. But we try really hard not to, and we try really hard to pick our battles carefully. With us having a newborn, we noticed the battles were increasing, and sometimes we, DH in particular would end up being in a YES/NO raised voice argument with her. It is not useful, or constructive and it means she is not listening. I like to think/hope that chipping away at it 'please sit down' 'sit down please' 'i ave asked you to sit down' then finally 'if you do not sit down xyz will happen' but calmly and firmly, then one day it will sink in. Like with using knife and fork to eat. DD loves using her fingers. She still forgets. And now, we say 'use your fork please sweety' and she will be like 'oh yes forgot!' and pick it up. This time last year it was like a stuck record.

[mrsboogie]

OP, you and your DH sound like very good, loving and intelligent parents. Your "friend" could learn a lot from from you.

[DonttellDH]

Thanks again for the kindness. I am off to bed with my now sound asleep 8wk (almost) old baby son. Fingers crossed we have 4 hours straight at the very least unlikely. DD is up at 6:30am, and its probably my turn as DH has been up early {i might be able to wing it though }

[DonttellDH]

mrsboogie aw that is very nice of you to say so. she won't though! She falls into the category of previously 5) of duchesses list. Her mother knows it all, as does her sister who has an 8 year old. She reminds me every 5 seconds of how she does well pretty much everything .

[Coldhands]

Duchesse How right you are. I know someone, a friends GF, who has a younger brother and a friend with children, she is still a teen but she knows EVERYTHING about being a parent. Its bloody annoying when she tries to agree and tell me what her brother is like when I talk about my DS. Its so not the same thing, but she will learn one day!

OP, your friend was very rude. I cannot imagine any of my friends saying this to me even if they did think it. But yes, she will be eating her words when her DC is 3.5. I would be tempted (in a very petty way ) to do the same back to her sometimes, just so she knows how annoying and rude it is for someone to comment on some elses parenting style.

[PuddingPenguin]

I love Duchesses comment so much I may print it out and put it on the wall for when FIL visits, cos apparently DH & SIL never ran around madly as toddlers.

So good it's worth repeating:

The best parents in the world are:

1. Primary school teachers without children of their own
   
2. People pregnant with their first child
   
3. Parents of one little (preferably non-mobile) baby
   
4. Parents whose own children are in their 30s or 40s
   
5. Childless people whose siblings or friends have children
   
   We should feel lucky that they choose to share their experience and wisdom with us. The rest of us should shut the feck up about parenting.

[ChilloDOESNOTLIKELIARShippi]

YANBU.

Duchess is so right. According to my mum, my brother and I never shouted/threw things/left the table/had tantrums/cried/woke in the night/moved/breathed when we were little.

[paisleyleaf]

I don't know if it's the case with you, but we have certain friends (childless) who really wind our DD up. Like the rough and tumble your friend's DH said about.
They'll get her all hyper, but then don't understand that she doesn't just switch that off and keeps pestering.

I love the lists of the best parents in the world

[TheFirstLady]

Love Duchesse's list - particularly category 4!
I was only recently telling my mother to cut my DB some slack as he and SIL were first time parents of a small baby - "and you know how stressful that is", only to be told
"I don't understand why anyone would think having children is stressful, I always found it absolutely wonderful."
Me: "But you must have found it stressful sometimes"
Her: "No, never, it was always absolutely wonderful."
Funny, cos I seem to recall a lot of stressy shouting from my childhood!

[paisleyleaf]

TBH it does pee me off when our parents, inlaws etc say stuff like that and criticise - we're the first generation in our family not to be smacking the children!

[Tryharder]

Yes, I had a major falling out with a friend on a trip to Disneyland Paris a few years ago. She was with her 11 month old not walking baby and I was with my then 2.5 year old DS1. She was utterly appalled at my DS's "bad" behaviour (an isolated tantrum due to not being allowed on a specific ride, running around with other children on the Disneyland Eurostar)and I got a very serious lecture about how I should discipline him more, that he needed a good smack and that her child would not be allowed to do that. I thought "fuck off" and we didn't speak for a long time afterwards.

[skinsl]

I can't believe your friends DH called her a thug. That's awful
Your DD sounds like my DS.
tell them to fuck off, seriously.

[junkcollector]

You could make money if you printed that list on a mug Duchesse.

OP, YANBU at all, they are being annoying..and smug..

I was a bit like that (silently, I would never ever say it) with a friend of mine and her parenting cos DS1 was perfect, well behaved and charming due to my calm authoritative manner. Ha! I soon learnt! As DS2 would say whilst swinging the cat round his head...."I laugh in the face of your calm authority!!!"

[junkcollector]

My point being it is unreasonable to judge someone else's parenting (unless the kid is allowed to play on the M1 naked...that wouldn't be good.)