to be upset by these comments?

[CoffeeMum]

I see my parents regularly - generally once a week, sometimes, just once every two or three weeks. Over the past couple of years there have been a series of light-hearted sounding, ostensibly jokey comments about me and my circumstances.

Examples of the comments include: that i could have a nip and tuck on my stomach three weeks after having a baby, that it's lucky i'm going on a shopping trip soon as my clothes should be on the bonfire they're so old [true, i have been wearing the same things for years, but i'm skint and they know it], that my husband is gay/will cheat on me with one of his female colleagues, that my six month old son is 'fat like his Daddy' [my husband], constant comments that we should buy a house near them [we could never hope to afford this], jokes that where we live is rough, constant comments that our back garden looks awful [though it belongs to the downstairs neighbour and is beyond our control]....that's it i think.

As context, our relationship is generally okay, they do tell me how proud they are of me, DH and DGC, how much they admire us etc etc. They dote on DGC, shower them with gifts, help out as much as they can etc.

But i'm starting to get really upset about these personal comments. They say they're jokes, but i feel very hurt by them.

What would you think? I need some kind of perspective here i think.

[wearthefoxhat]

YANBU - I think I'd be hurt too. Next time they make a comment, could you just stop them and tell them that you know they mean the comments as jokes, but you find them really hurtful.
I imagine confronting them about it would put a stop to it

[waitingforbedtime]

Some of them are a bit harsh (the clothes one, the one about your husband being gay) but others are imo normal parent stuff (moving closer, etc). I would just let as much of it as possible go over your head, if youre relationship is generally good dont ruin it.

[Pikelit]

I'd be minded to raise this with your parents. Don't be confrontational or defensive but do say that you find it all a bit hurtful and sometimes things don't come across as a joke. Even though that is how they intend it.

[wb]

Jokes are generally funny though aren't they? What is funny about saying someone is fat, gay or lives in a rough area? Do they of a history of making put downs then blaming you for not laughing it off?

Anyway, YANBU to be upset, it is really quite poisonous behavior. I don't know how you can best tackle it, but suspect someone with good advice will be along shortly.

[pigletmania]

Coffeemum dont get me started please dont. My mum (who is no supermodel and is a bit overweight) constantly tells me how fat i am, how i look like i am six months pregnant and phones up to see whether I have weighed myself that day, and how much . I am surprised that I have not got an eating disorder with those comments, I just take it on the chin, i love my food and as a size 12/14 I dont think that i am that bad. Yes it does hurt but she is not the most sensitive of people tbh

[claraquack]

Why on earth would they say your dh was gay? How is that a joke? I would certainly question them on that one, point out some of the other things they are "joking" about are beyond their control and ignore the rest.

Most odd. I can't imagine my parents saying any of that stuff. Sounds like they are a little jealous of you/your relationship.

[pigletmania]

I do tell her how large she is, but she interrupts and says " at your age i was 7 stone" and was very thin and good looking, look at the photos of me and see how good i look at your age . The audacity of the woman, well she is from Cyprus and is very to the point and does not beat about the bush.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Next time they say something ask them which bit is funny if they are meant to be jokes. Just because they say nice things about being proud of you doesn't give them the right to slag of your house, husband, baby's size. And how can they when they are meant to be proud of you.

Just tell them to pack it in as it isn't funny and then leave.

[amidaiwish]

the dh thing is weird... the others i would throw right back at them, see if they're offering to help you out financially! (parents have a funny way of offering...like don't want to intrude).

[CoffeeMum]

Yes, i think the time has come to confront them. I just wanted to hear some opinions from others about whether these comments are hurtful, or whether i'm being over sensitive. It seems that they are actually quite harsh comments from what you're saying to me.

Waiting For Bedtime - i know the moving closer thing doesn't sound like much, but it's presented as a genuine suggestion, time and time again. We'd love to be able to move to their town, but we would struggle to afford a studio flat, and we're a family of four. It just started to feel a bit insensitive when they kept suggesting it, but i know it's not exactly that cruel!

WB - that's exactly it! How can they be jokes when they're not even remotely amusing??

Pigletmania - that's awful, poor you. You shouldn't have to put up with that. 12/14 is utterly, utterly normal in my world - i bet you look fab

[BetsyLittleson]

No, you're not being oversensitive. My mother and sister make similar, snide comments then dismiss them as 'jokes' when I get upset. I've kind of learned to let them go over my head because it's not worth the screamed abuse from my sister hassle.

[amidaiwish]

"We'd love to be able to move to their town"

tell them that. they may genuinely be wanting to help you do that. don't you think?

[CoffeeMum]

It is weird isn't it? I can't imagine ever saying anything like this to either of my DC when they are older. So hurtful.

As for whether they're offering to help financially - well, they have, but they basically raised me to be utterly financial independent to the point that i feel completely responsible for my own financial affairs and would struggle to accept any help. I've even had a hard time accepting everything they give to DGC, but now have come to terms with the fact they want to do it, it's essentially between them and DGC - nothing to do with me, and i needn't feel guilty or indebted.

Christ, all very complex isn't it?

[pigletmania]

Thanks coffeemum, it does hurt but she does not live near me which is good and just phones to check lol. I am happy so and know that she is BVVVVVU and jsut ignore it really. I am happy within myself and i will loose a little when i want not when she wants

[CoffeeMum]

Mucktub - it's shit isn't it? How can comments like these be jokes? Well done for letting it go - you're the bigger person.

Amidaiwish - we did tell them that, in a general 'oh we wish, but we couldn't possibly afford it!' Eventually had to sit them down and tell them how unrealistic it was, and it finally dawned on them. And even if we did accept their financial help, we'd need roughly £250K to get the home we need in their area...they don't even have a fraction of that amount to give us!

Pigletmania - seriously 12/14 is really fine - i hope it is, as that's what i am, and i'm happy with myself too! Only even think about losing weight if it's what YOU want!

[pigletmania]

Was a 16 on a really bad day, but since my m/c recently i have lost some weight which i want to keep up.

[Ronaldinhio]

sounds like a normal family to me...sorry

yabu

[CoffeeMum]

Ronaldinhio - really? Okay, fair enough - i wanted all perspectives here. Is your family like this then? So i can understand, what sort of things do your family say to you? And if they're along these lines, how do you let it not get to you? Genuinely curious!

[CoffeeMum]

No. I know

[Ronaldinhio]

My family is very robust in the things they say to each other...if we didn't know that there was a lot of love there it would be crippling at times. They are also amazing supportive and hugely funny but if I was feeling down it could be that the only answer was laughing rather than crying at some of the comments

Sometimes it's worthwhile considering if this behaviour has changed recently or if you have changed recently.

I know that my granny thinks that we all take ourselves far too seriously and actually goes out of her way to knock holes in some of the pretensions we have.
Ditto she really thinks that being overweight is monstrous and is very vocal to everyone about it man, woman or child.
They are also incredibly candid in their thoughts about all of our partners.

None of these things are her business or really up for free comment but it has always been thus and I see no harm in it as it is not meant to be harmful

Does your mother mean to cause harm? Or does she just blether on?

If you really can't bear her behaviour then say something but if she has always been thus it won't change.

I hope this makes some sense and is only mo

[CoffeeMum]

Yes, it makes sense - you've explained it very well actually, and it's good to hear the other side of the argument. I genuinely don't think either parent means to cause harm, and i do think that yes, they do blether on. But i just can't help being upset. Maybe it's because it hasn't always been this way - this is all fairly recent, maybe that's why i can't handle it. Also, i know they would be beside themselves if i told them any 'home truths' or gave me opinion about them and their lives. But i don't, because it's not my place! [in my opinion]. Maybe if it was a two way street, maybe if we'd always been the bantering family you describe yours as being....hmmm, food for thought. Thank you for your posts anyway, enlightening.

[blithedance]

Funny that it's just started recently. Is anything happening in their lives that has made them perhaps a bit insecure or envious of your life and want to criticise? People who "joke" like that are trying to build up their own self esteem (either directly or just to be seen as witty) at the expense of others.

I come from a bantering family too and have to stop myself making jokes to the IL's that they would take at face value. But your case sounds a bit extreme.

No better suggestions but can you try an honest chat with whichever of your parents is the more approachable? Although I like MmeDeathstare's solution best!

[CoffeeMum]

Erm, i suppose i've been fortunate in that life's been pretty good for me in recent years - had two lovely [in my opinion!] babies, DH's career has gone really well, DH and I have pretty good marriage. I think it's quite obvious that we're feeling happy and fulfilled....

Maybe that's it? But if they were really envious, would they really tell me how proud they are of me?