to be so upset with DP

[lorrycat]

DP and i are going through a real rocky stage in our relationship. In fact, its always been rocky and we've only just got back together after a 5 month split. We have DS (17mo) together and are currently living together.

However, DP works a lot and his job is 50 miles from home. Its retail and i hate the fact that he always seems to have to change his hours, cover someone etc etc.

We haven't had sex in months. Despite many attempts from me. I even dressed up once and he laughed at me - i was mortified and he said he wasn't "laughing at me" per se, more that it took him so much by surprise that he was shocked and felt like a wee school boy. I wouldnt mind, but its not like i'd gone for a whole big S&M thing, it was a black corset and stockings. Anyways, my ego has been hurt really badly and i just don't feel like he fancies me anymore.

I'm so fed up at being the one who does everything in this house. I cook (from scratch most nights, even baking), clean, do laundry, shopping, pay bills, bring DS to creche every morning and i work 20 hours a week myself. Yes, i know i'm lucky to be working part time, but i'd like a little bit of input from DP too now and again.

He comes home from work in the evening, has a dinner put in front of him, doesn't help with dishes, doesn't offer to bath DS as much anymore and then lies in front of TV in the evening when DS is in bed and is away to bed about 9pm.

Now i understand that his job is hard and he does very early mornings (up 5am most mornings) but its getting ridiculous. I feel like i just live in a house with him, there is no relationship whatsoever. Converstaion is minimal and often out built up resentment comes to the surface and we end up arguing.

We've had one session of relationhip counselling. I told DP that our relationship wouldn't survive unless it happened. He cancelled the second one becuase of a problem at work and now we have to wait until half way thru january to get another appointment.

I really want to run away some times but i do love him. He says he loves me, but i wish he would show it. I have given up attempting to initiate sex becuase all i ever get from him is "i'm too tired."

[expatinscotland]

stop putting dinner in front of him and doing his laundry and stuff.

[MmeLindt]

There is nothing in your post that tells me why you are giving the relationship another chance, except that you have a child together. Good on you for trying to save the relationship but it seems like you are the only one putting in the effort.

Why did you get back together after you had split?

[tinalane]

Dear lorrycat.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Some of it echoes my own experience.

My DP works in retail too & is too tired/stressed for sex, its been 4 years now. I get rejected every time, even for cuddles. I am so sorry you were laughed at, that must have been mortifying, I expect it was just the unexpectness that caused the surprise that made him laugh, not how you looked.

I know we love each other too.

A lot of the time when I try to talk it gets to an argument very quickly as DP is watching a programme, reading, busy etc. or sometimes for no reason. All is ok if I just go along or watch it or whatever without trying to talk.

I think a lot of it is down to stress & mild depression quite honestly.

Would you be able to have a long weekend away together, with DS at a babysitter, even if its just somewhere in the UK? Would that help?

I know my DP is better after a day away from work.

I hope you find a way to get help with the housework, could you say you need his help with something & appeal to his 'hero' instinct if you know what I mean?

Sometime DPs show love by just being there, or they see the working as showing love, its another language I think!

I do hope you manage to work out all these issues together.

[thelunar66]

He gets up at 5am to do a 100 mile round trip? No wonder he is tired

Is he applying for jobs nearer to home? Are there any jobs nearer? If his job is a good one with good prospects etc, could you all move nearer to cut down on his 100 mile drive every day?

He sounds totally stressed and slipping into depression to me.

[lorrycat]

Thanks everyone for your messages. We got back together after our split because we missed each other so much. Its weired because when we were apart he was the person i really wanted him to be...kind, attentive, helpful and unselfish. I thought things would be different this time but it slowly slipped back to the ways things were.

I do realise that our relationship is a major victim of stress and i am also battling depression because of it. However i also believe that a lot of our problems can be resolved if he puts in even half the effort he puts into his job.

No he hasn't attempted to apply for a job closer to home. When he first joined this company he was working at home, but then he was moved to a 'floating manager' type role and ended up in this shop 50 miles away. I do understand the pressure that he is under, really i do. But a relationship isnot just about me being understanding, he needs to put something in as well, and right now i don't believe he is.

At our first counselling session, he was asked what i do for him that makes him feel special and he came off with a whole speel of stuff. When the question was turned on me, i honestly could not give one example of how he makes me feel loved.

I told him today that i feel like he doesn't love me anymore and i'm just waiting on one of us straying (due to the severe lack of sex life). That's not because i distrust any one of us, but because i know that a relationship without sex is not a healthy one. We didn't get to talk any further as my door opened and in came my dad and brother for NY dinner...