to think mil could have chosen a better time

[Sexonlegs]

Dh is up in London with our 2 girls for a christmas lunch wth a group of friends (I was supposed to be going but have had flu-like symptoms all weekend)

Anyway, mil just called to tell me that very sadly, dh's cousin has died. Dh is not particularly close to his cousins as they live in a different country, but I know he will be gutted.

Anyway, mil asked me if I could try and get in touch with dh somehow, so I said I would call him and ask him to call her. I have of course done this, and I have told him the reason he is required to call urgently (even though she said she wanted to tell him and not for me to tell him!)

I just think that perhaps she could have waited until he was home, which he will be by 8.00.

AIBU to think she should have waited? When my gran died last year, my dad called my dh to ask him if he would be at home with me later on that evening so there was someone with me when Mum called to break the news.

I am actually quite cross with her.

[BitOfFun]

I'm sure he'll be fine. Perhaps she doesn't want the task of telling him hanging over her all day?

[DoingTheBestChristmasICan]

Could it be that she was worried in case he heard it from someone else,i.e not family?

There is never a good time to be told of a death really.

I see what you mean though about him being away from home when told.Maybe the fact he is away will help him through it iyswim?

Condolences too btw.

[CaptainUnderpants]

YANBU - I think she could have waited espially as they were not particulary close, on the other hand the need to speak with your DH was probably to meet her needs not his . Was she upset ?

You have every right to tell him why he is required to phone her asap as he is out having a nice lunch . I assume she knew this ,, if she she could have waited until the family day out was over and he had returned home.

[Sexonlegs]

Thanks for your replies.

It was pretty impossible not to tell dh the reason behind the urgent need to call home. He isn't daft, and knew his cousin had been ill.

I just feel bad that he is out having a day out with friends who he only sees a couple of times a year, he has the 2 girls with him, and has to drive an hour and a half to get home, and now has that sad news.

I expect I am being over-protective.

[clam]

As there was nothing he could have done about it, then I think it would have been better to wait until he got home. Why spoil the day out when, as I say, he could do nothing?
Or was MIL expecting him to call her from wherever he was? In which case, it's more to meet her needs, as someone else said.

[Sexonlegs]

There was no way anyone from outside of the family would have known and been able to tell dh before his mum had.

I think mil was upset and needed to speak with her son. Don't get me wrong, I can understand that, but I just think she could have waited; she had her dh with her so wasn't on her own.

[Prinpo]

I can understand that you're a bit miffed that DH's day was interrupted when it could have waited, but it's worth bearing in mind that it's your MIL's niece or nephew who has died and that, even if DH wasn't close to his cousin, she will really feel the loss. Just as our children are not meant to die before we do, so it's also surely normal to feel great sadness at the loss of a niece or nephew (not on the same scale as your own child, of course) as they are the child of your sibling or sibling-in-law. If this is all that you're annoyed about with her then I'd cut her a bit of slack; if there's other stuff going on too then I'd focus on that.

[Fruitysunshine]

I am inclined to agree with Prinpo...

[Stigaloid]

YABU - your MIL has lost a niece/nephew and wishes to talk about it with her son and thinks he should know straight away. She is grieving and probably in shock. To be annoyed with her is unreasonable

[Brunettelady]

Maybe a little U. She was obviously sad about losing a niece/nephew. My grandad lived in another country and while we weren't really close (he didn't see me until I was 10) we were slowly building a good relationship and I had been over to stay with him etc. I didn't find out he had died until 4 days after it had happened and it was too late for me to get over to the funeral. I also wasn't told about how ill he was and was planning to go over once he was better (I knew he was not well but I didn't think it was anything serious).

My other grandad (on my dads side) also died a few years ago and as he lived further away and no one really saw him, my nan forgot to tell my dad that his did had died until about a week after it happened. My dad was extremely annoyed about this, even though he didn't see that much of him, he still wanted to know asap.

I think people should know as soon as its possible for them to with situations like this.

[Sexonlegs]

Fair enough.

Thanks for all the replies.