to miss my mum and dad (long sorry!)

[crazycat34]

16 ago, my parents divorced. Their first marriage (to each other) is now a distant memory. My dad reamarried a few years later, they've recently celebrated their 10th (i think) wedding anniversary and have 2 small daughters. My mum has had 3 long term relationships, including a second marriage and subsequent divorce, but she is now settled with her new partner and his teenage son. I'm really happy for each of them - they're both more contented in their new relationships than they ever were with each other.

But all that cr@p about parents divorcing each other but not their children is nonsense.

Over the last 3 years, as their new lives and families have become more concrete, their old family has faded away.

We rarely see them. In october were invited to a very small get together at my dad's house and none of their other guests (4 people) even knew that my dad had grown up children, let alone grandchildren. A rather awkward moment all around when we introduced ourselves!

I don't mind so much for myself, I'm an adult, but my heart breaks when I think that my children have 2 grandparents, who live 3 and 7 miles away and they won't see either of them over christmas because they're spending it with their families. We didn't see either of them last christmas. My mum is always busy during December ("It's christmas, I don't have time to see you! People like to go out at christmas" - a direct quote when I asked when she was coming round to see the kids - any time during dec not even christmas week).

I just spend the whole of December with this huge ache in my heart. I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel resigned. And then the next year it happens all over again.
AIBU?

[tadjennyp]

No YANBU, but I have no advice to offer. I can't imagine not wanting to see my dcs or dgcs if I have any. Can you arrange something and invite your parents to some sort of do so it fulfils your Mum's idea of 'people like to go out at Christmas'? Perhaps they wouldn't come together. Concentrate on your own lovely family as you are not responsible for anybody else. Sorry.

[Buda]

I think if it is important to you then you have to take control. Invite your parents over (probably separately?!) for an afternoon or evening over Xmas or New Year. Make it a tradition. Tell your Dad you want to know your half-siblings better and see them at Xmas. Tell your Mum that you may be a grown up but she is still your Mum and you want to see her at Xmas.

It sounds like just one of those things that has happened through lack of thought. But it can and should be dealt with. They are still your parents and as you say, they may have divorced each other but they shouldn't divorce their children.

But it does sound like you will have to the the instigator.

[LisaD1]

Some parents are just like that I'm afraid. My parents are still together (nearly 40 years) but I still won't see them over Xmas, haven't done for years, they have NEVER had Xmas with my children (9 and 2), they came last week to drop off presents because "we're too busy over Xmas", they go away nearly every year and don't come back until New Year. I used to get really upset about it but have decided that actually, it's their loss, if they don't want to spend time with my 2 amazing little girls then that is nobody's loss but their own and when they're in their twilight years they'll have plenty of time to reflect on it when their children/grandchildred are too busy for them.

Life is far too short to worry about those that don't want to share it with you, so concentrate on those that do and have a lovely time.

[crazycat34]

Tadjennyp and Buda - unfortunately, we've tried that. The reason we didn't see my dad et al last year was because for the previous few years we've invited them to come to ours on Christmas eve for that very reason. However, last year they blew us out so that they could watch a DVD at home. Yes, that was the actual reason they gave. In fact, I believe it was the Snowman. It's not even a long film!!!

My mum doesn't want to come to ours (she gets invited every year) because we don't have a disco, we don't have a bar, and we don't have all her friends in our living room.

LisaD! - you're so right! I think that's the way we're going to have to go.

Just a bit upsetting that's all.

[Buda]

I can kind of understand the Xmas Eve DVD thing really. We do that do and would not want to miss it.

So pick another day. Boxing Day? The Sunday before or after Xmas?

Your parents probably just assume you are grown up now with your own family and are not bothered. I think that if you ARE that bothered you need to let them know. Tell your Dad "I know you have another family now but you are still my Dad. I still want a close relationship with you and I want my children too also." I think it is easy for men in particular to compartmentalise things so he prob won't have even thought about it.

With regard to your Mum you may have to accept that she wants to be elsewhere for Xmas itself - again invite her for lunch or brunch or something - or go out for a meal.

If that doesn't work I don't really know what to suggest. You may have to accept that they are not interested. Which is such a shame for you and your children. And also for them if they could but only see it.

[fernie3]

YANBU my mum died when I was 17 my dad remarried a year later. Since then both of my grandparents on my mums side have died and my dad has remarried and has a step daughter. We very rarely even see things so it makes me sad that our family we used to have has gone and my children will never have any of that. My dad says things like " you and your sister will always be the most important thing" but clearly not as we never see him!

[MintyCandyCane]

YANBU I know exactly how you feel.

[tadjennyp]

Your Mum does sound a bit selfish and like she's having a mid-life crisis: 'My mum doesn't want to come to ours (she gets invited every year) because we don't have a disco, we don't have a bar, and we don't have all her friends in our living room.' Not seeing your children is definitely her loss, but I can understand how hurtful that is for you.

Still, when your Mum can't get out to the local disco in a few years' time and wants you to come round, she won't know your children and you can't be expected to drop everything for her.