To think there has to be a way to stop feeling responsible for my mother?

[l39]

My mother is mentally ill - quite ill, at the moment. She's not in my care - she's been in hospital for nearly 3 weeks. I'm worrying about her all the time, and I know it's ridiculous. There are loads of trained nurses responsible for her - it's not my job. Before she went into hospital, my sister spent more time with her than I did, and I was fine with that. Now we visit every other day. Mum is always desperate for us to visit more often. I shouldn't let that affect me - Mum is far too ill for her demands to be reasonable - but it is. (I've a thread in Mental Health which describes what she's like at the moment, at the end, if anyone wants more details.)
I'm distracted, and my husband and children are suffering. My husband says 'If you don't stop thinking about it, you'll end up there with her!' which sounds unsympathetic, but he is in fact very supportive - just getting a bit sick of hearing about Mum every day for the last 6 weeks or so. There is no way I would put my duty to my mum above that to my fantastic kids and yet there is no way I can stop visiting her, however much it upsets me, and leave my sister to do it all.
I've even started thinking all this worry will damage my unborn child - I'm 18 weeks - which is also ridiculous, I know.

Has anyone been in this situation? How can I be a supportive daughter when I visit and then put Mum out of my mind when I'm away from her?

[saadia]

I'm sorry about your mum. I don't have any relevant experience but one thing I have come to realise is that in general, it is not healthy or helpful to worry about things that you have no control over.

Your mum obviously needs to be in hospital (sorry have not read your other thread) and you are doing your best. Your husband is right that you need to maintain your own sanity. Perhaps you shouldn't try to "put her out of your mind" when you are not with her but instead try and change your thoughts about her. For example, if you have a religious belief you could pray for her or try some sort of calming or relaxing therapy. Or, schedule some time in the day when you will think about the situation and try to focus on other things for the rest of the day.

[l39]

Thank you, saadia.
I'm not the praying kind, unfortunately.

It's all these entreaties to me to do something, when I visit, that I can't seem to shake off. I know she is talking a load of rubbish, and yet if something happens to her I would feel so guilty!

[tattifer]

I think you have to balance three very important things - you family, your unborn child and you mum. If your concerned about backing off a little then talk to your sister about it. Perhaps if you heard from her what your DH is saying you might feel happier to act on the advice?

Also, You're right, she is in the hands of professionals - while she benefits from your visits, she wont' benefit from them quite as much if you are exhausted.

[shootfromthehip]

My Dad was an alcoholic, he was lovely but was ill on and off for a very long time. Visiting him began to take over our life. We went every weekend and some evenings midweek (was a long way and difficult with a large bump and a toddler). Something had to give as eventually I got so stressed that I was diagnosed with Antenatal depression and was referred to a psychiatrist. I was crippling me and and my wee family.

Much of the emotional pressure to visit was to save my mum from being the one to visit everyday and at the time she made me feel worse than him. But something had to give and it sure wasn't going to be my sanity. I had to step back. I had to prioritise my wee family over my love for my dad.

Sadly he died 18mths ago and I was then left with my Mum who expected me to give her all my time but I had to refuse. I have a younger sis and bro who weren't married and had no kids and lived closer so they had to step up. They didn't do the best job and they were clearly not up to my Mum's standards but I was totally drained- I had a DH who was not around to help because of work and two young kids. Sometimes you do have to choose. You need to learn to live with the guilt. You need to know with clear conscience that you have had to make a difficult choice but you have made the right one.

Sorry this may not be what you wanted to hear but it was the right decision for me. All I can do is wish you luck.

Take care.

[chocolateismyonlyweakness]

139, I have lots of sympathy.

My db is mentally ill, and he has been sectioned a few times. My dp suffered emotional abuse from him, and it was extremely stressful.

There is a carers' association attached to our local hospital, they came out and visited my dp and gave heaps of support. I think you should see if there's anything similar around, perhaps it would be helpful to you to talk to people who have experience of helping families to cope. I am a worrier myself, and I know what it's like to have things contantly going around and around.

Good luck. You are not alone.

[l39]

Thank you.

I talked on Sunday to some of my relatives, who are also worried, and that helped. They also asked questions about how my pregnancy is going, and reminded me of my excitement about the baby, which I'd almost forgotten, so that was good.
I think I'll be able to keep things in better proportion. Thanks again for the answers.