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AIBU?

To interfere in my sister life? (bit long sorry and I think I am a bit)

15 replies

SchrodingersCat · 21/04/2009 18:29

My sister is pregnant with her second. Her first is 11 months old and #2 is due in September (no it was not planned that way). She met her now partner and slept with him on the 1st date and ended up pregnant. They have decided to make a go of it.

They both have very differnt backgrounds. She is ex private school turned drug user and prostitute but is now back on track. He is 15 years older, yobbo, no education, heavy pot user who is still living the bachelor lifestyle.

He is of the belief that because she stays at home he does not need to do anything in the house and barely plays with his daughter. My sister was hospitalised twice for hyperemesis udring her first pregnancy and lost heaps of weight and then had PND. He did not help out much at all.

Now with this pregnancy my sister is not coping (no idea how whs will cope with 2 under 16 months), her DP does nothing, she has lost more weight. Is stressed and tired, is skin and bone and is now past fat loss but into muscle loss.

She is on the other side of the world and I really do not know what to do. I want to help. I want to tell her DP to pull his head in and act like a father and partner but I do not want to overstep the boundaries but I feel that if nothing changes she will end up losing the plot completely.

So do I do anything?

OP posts:

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SchrodingersCat · 21/04/2009 18:30

Oh and also I wont be able to reply until tomorrow but thank you for your replies.

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ZZZen · 21/04/2009 18:32

Doesn't sound ideal for sure. Is anyone from your family living there - onthe other side of the world near your sister?

I'm not sure what you could do although I understand you wanting to help. I don't think calling him and telling him he needs to pull his weight will achieve much, he doesn't sound like the type who would respond well to that.

Is it possible for you or someone calm and capable from the family to go over there near the end of her pregnancy and be there to help whilst she is in hospital and afterthe birth when things have to get settled with the new baby etc?

SchrodingersCat · 21/04/2009 18:53

Mananged to kick a child off the computer...
My family are all there but they are not what you would call subtle and mum has a drink problem too so can be a little over dramatic.

I agree that calling will do little. He wont listen to her. he does not stand up for her. Lets his mates treat thier house as the bachelor party pad etc...

She finally got herself together and now she is back in a bad situation (not the kids but him, his lifestyle, where they live etc) I want her to be happy which I know she is not.

I feel that I should be doing somthing to help (probably guilt that I am not there and that we did not speak for 4 years too).

In the end she is an adult, albeit an immature one, but I do not want to to have PND twice and do something silly (history of SEVERE PND and some mental illness in family - arent we fun to marry into)

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ZZZen · 21/04/2009 19:05

IME most adults are fairly messed up when you dig down deep enough, it's just that most of us have our lifes better under control.

Can you make one of those cheap long distance calls where you predial a number first and then only pay a low rate so you can listen to your sister and what she has to say about it all? Preferably at a time when the partner is not in so she can talk freely.

If your family would not be much practical use in this situation, is there anyone else you know there who might be? Do you think the GP would be worth speaking to for instance or would you worry theym ight call in social services and take things out of your sister's hands?

SchrodingersCat · 22/04/2009 11:27

In a wierd twist of fate she rang me at 1am this morning to tell me that he has walked out on her. She is staying in the hosue but will be ostracised by the town as her DP was everyone mate and she will be the one blamed for the slpit.
I do not want to alert social services becuase of her past history but maybe her GP is a good idea. I will see if I can do that.
Thanks

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Sorrento · 22/04/2009 12:23

Where is she exactly, in the UK or abroad, I'm not sure which side of the world you're both on ?

SchrodingersCat · 22/04/2009 12:51

Oh sorry (i have name changed) I am in the Uk and my famiyl are in Australia.
I guess I am confused as to what to do. She is an adult but immature. I do not want to her do something silly but she has to live her own life.

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Idranktheeasterspirits · 22/04/2009 13:08

She won't be ostracised by the town, she will be cut off from his circle which sounds like a very good thing and leaves her free to move on.

Although it's hard, you cannot fix her. It's up to her to do that.All you can do is offer emotional support and listen to her.

Sorrento · 22/04/2009 13:47

Can she move in with your parents or can you go and get her and bring her home, for what it's worth australia has much better support systems in my experience.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 22/04/2009 13:50

All you can do is listen and reassure. And Idrank is right: she is better off without the tosspot and his mates, there will be other friendly local people for her to build a social circle with - you could ask her about antenatal groups, toddler groups etc and encourage her to try them (don't know what the Austrailian situation is exactly, but there must be some sort of social network for mothers of young children).

SchrodingersCat · 22/04/2009 15:43

There are lots of groups but the town is very small and typical of northern NSW (bogans, druggies, dole bludgers etc) and they think he is god. I will just have to listen. Thank you all for your advice. I think I just needed somone to agree with me.
Cheers

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solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 22/04/2009 17:13

It's not posible outside bad soap operas for a whole town, even a little one, to be held in thrall by one wanker, however charismatic he may appear. Because it;s not possible for a whole town to be composed of, er, bogans and bludgers - someone's got to be working, to keep the bins emptied and the shelves stacked - and the dole cheques coming, for that matter. There will be other people who she may get on with, she just needs to give herself time to find them.

ZZZen · 22/04/2009 17:23

if she is going to be a single mum with 2 dc under 16 months it is going to be very hard for her, even without the PND history and the extreme weight loss, general unhappiness.

So who is there out there who might buckle down and be some practical help? Are the yobbo's family around, are they nice people? Since they will be grandparents, perhaps they have some interest in making helping out in some way. Hope so. Otherwise your mum will just have to pull herself together for your sister. Is there plunket in Australia or am I thinking of NZ? Could you contact them?

I'm just wondering if this man is so well liked in that town, what his redeeming graces are. Maybe he found living with your sister stressful and you say she became pregnant the first night they went out, so they did not have a firm relationship and on top of that flimsy basis the health issues, the PND etc. Perhaps he is not all that bad, just could not cope? Maybe if he is out of the house and the relationship, he might be easier for you and your sister to speak to in a couple of weeks.

When is the baby due?

SchrodingersCat · 22/04/2009 17:34

Ok so I did overreact about the town a bit but it is like that. He is the captain of the fire brigade hence the god like status (and his ever growing supply of weed out the back).I did try to find his good side. Eg.g he let her move in with him when she found out she was pregnant, paid for lots etc... but never tried to fit in with out family - he thinks we are (and has called us and my sister) snobs because we are typically middel class, went to boarding school, uni etc. He can be nice at time but more often then not he is rude. He loves his bachelor lifestyle so having two kids has spolied that. His family are all in NZ (apart from some cousins who defy all social boundaries -one came to neices christening suffering from german mealses -- most came without shoes .
The baby is due late September.
I guess I am worrying myself into a panic. I just dont want her to get overstressed and then try to harm herself. That is what I am most worried about. My parents and brother are heading down this weekend so maybe something will be said/done.

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MorrisZapp · 22/04/2009 17:40

Totally sympathise but there's not much you can do apart from listen to your sister and offer her support.

My sister has a lifestyle that routinely leaves me horrified, she has a kid too. It's her life and I have learned I just have to accept that, and enjoy the relationship I have with her.

In a wider context, I have found many times in the past that kindly pointing out to people how crap their partners are does nothing except alienate you from that person. Unless he is an abusive partner then you just have to suck it up. Hopefully they'll stay split and she can move forward now, but they may well get back together.

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