to be cross with DH???

[ChocFridgeCake]

Its our anniversary at the weekend and I have been carefully planning a thoughtful, lovely present.

I went shopping for it yesterday (unbeknownst to DH). When DH gets in from work he asks what me and DD have been up to today (DD is 4mo, I am on mat leave).

I said "Oh, just popped to Asda and Debenhams (there is one locally).

Him "Oh, right, Debenhams hey - what did you go there for?"

Me "Nothing much, just a look around".

Him "Just a look around?"

Me "Yes. Asda gets a bit boring".

I move the conversation on to something else and it involves whether or not we should leave DD with his mum when she babysits or whether she should come here (which she is loathe to do, she is always on about dropping DD off there even though it is not as good for DD or us as all DD's things are here).

DH gets a bit tetchy and says how we only have to tell DMIL to come here. I say its more awkward for me to say that than him etc.

Pause, then

Him "So what did you go to Debenhams for?"

Me "Oh, just a look around" (blushing)

Him "Seems a long way to go for just a look around".

Me "Well we fancied a change of scenery" (blushing madly)

Him "Why go to Debenhams for a change of scenery?" (to DD: "Your mums such a bad liar").

Me "Well, we did, so that's it"

Him "what did you buy"

Me "Nothing much"

Him "Nothing much?"

Me "Look, why do you keep pressing it DH?"

Him "I just wondered why you'd go to Debenhams for a look around"

Me "OK IF YOU MUST KNOW I WENT TO BUY YOUR ANNIVERSARY PRESENT, OK?!!"

DH instead of backing down, gets right on his high horse and starts going on in an injured tone about how he was only asking etc.

I know damn well he was annoyed about me passing comment on his mum and was needling me in return because it was obvious what I was going to Debenhams for.

It ended with me stomping upstairs to get the present I'd planned so carefully for weeks and dumping it on his lap

Then he did the same to me.

We are not talking.

What to do next?!?

[hereidrawtheline]

wow, that is very very annoying. I would be annoyed to - unless, was he saying it while laughing or joking around? Or was his tone annoyed? Because if my DH took an annoyed tone and gave me the third degree like that about where I had been I would not like it.

[mankymummy]

agree with Hedge.

draw a line under it... and enjoy your anniversary.

[ChocFridgeCake]

He pressed it too far to be a joke, it was so obvious what I had been there for too.

I felt he was enjoying making me squirm. There is also an element that I am accountable to him for my time since I have been on mat leave and I said so in part of the argument that followed.

[pooka]

I would have been irritated if dh had persisted. But then I would probably have just siad "I went to Debenhams to get you a present, but I'm not saying what" and so there would have been no mileage in 20 questions.

THink was unnecessary to be quite so secretive.

[bohemianbint]

YANBU - I'd be narked too. You probably should try to move things on though, although it would peeve me if I had to do that when it was clearly him being an arse.

I got the impression he was trying to make you accountable for where you've been too - I couldn't be doing with that.

Hope things work out and you enjoy your anniversary!

[ChocFridgeCake]

Yes I wish I hadn't said I'd been there but he caught me off guard and as soon as I'd said it I was annoyed with myself.

I snapped because it annoyed me he was banking on me not saying what the real reason was. He knows I love planning nice presents and surprises and was chipping round the edges unnecessarily until I broke.

He had already asked about the trip earlier so why revisit it.

[pooka]

Ah - well you YANBU for not wanting to have to account for your time. Obviously you were there and we weren't and is hard in postings to get a sense of nuance.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

that conversation sounds to me like someone trying to pick a fight.

Lesson for next time - don't tell him where you went if you went there to get something you don't want him to know about!

It's very sad though, that your anniversary has been spoiled by this squabble. Each throwing the other's gift in their lap?

[ChocFridgeCake]

I agree I didn't have to be so secretive but it was so blooming obvious that he was taking the mickey pressing it.

I do wish I'd said what Pooka said about buying him a present and leaving it there, but I just snapped because he was getting mileage out of it so I threw my toys out of the pram all my chips in so to speak, so he had nothing to needle me about any more.

I don't want the anniversary to be ruined and I can tell he is in such a huff he thinks he's majorly in the right (he NEVER backs down and he NEVER apologises - he says things like "I've said I'm sorry" when he hasn't actually said "I'm sorry" IYSWIM.

Also if I back down then it's like I'm also backing down over having to account for myself, and I don't want to because it's not fair. Yet if I apologise for over reacting but put in a clause "not about accounting for myself though" that will likely start another row.

I am sad that the surprise present has been ruined though, it was a really good one (and so was his) . Should I still give the present or is it spoilt forever? Should I still wrap it?!?!

[BiscuitStuffer]

DH does this - he goes on and on repeating a question and it really winds me up. I have no idea how to stop him doing it.

e.g. we were all going swimming with the babies (2 and 8 months) in the morning. I wanted to have my daily shower before we went ie proper wash and hair wash etc and then I could just sluice us all down afterwards to get the chlorine off. He kept going on and on about why was I showering before hand when I could shower afterwards and every answer I gave he would counter with something. It always feels very aggressive and 'dog with a bone' like. I always end up justifying my decisions and I loathe that he makes me do it and I loathe that I do it!!

Does anyone have nay tricks on how to handle it??

[ChocFridgeCake]

I'll watch with interest too re new tricks too, BiscuitStuffer!!

[Ronaldinhio]

Next time tell him you went to spend some time with your less inquisitve ex

see if he gets the hint

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

I find "Why does it matter to you?" "Why are you asking?" "what is the problem with it?" "why do you think that?" etc etc to be very effective.

eg - "Why are you showering before hand"
"Why does it matter to you which way round I do it?" "How does it affect you if I choose to do it that way?" "Tell me why it matters to you, I want to understand why you care which way I do it."

make them justify themselves!

[lucasnorth]

My DH is like this. And I find it has been WAY worse since we had kids, which is what annoys me most about it - it feels like he now thinks he is my supervisor.

Anyone else like this, or have your DH always been this way inclined?

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

The problem, I think, is that some people think their way is the only way. It's about being right, about winning and losing. You should do things the way they would do them or you're wrong (and what's more, by doing it differently, you are secretly criticising the way THEY do it so they are attacking you for that.)

[ChocFridgeCake]

Lucasnorth - there IS an element of supervisor about it!

I feel like since I've been on Mat leave then I am subject to scutiny from DH. If I say "I met Mum today" he'll say "I didn't know you were meeting your Mum", like he SHOULD know, rather than "Oh that's nice, where did you go?"

He is always saying how he wants me to go out with friends and I can go out whenever I want, but on the rare occasion I have met up with friends outside the week days he turns it into a big deal ie "Oh you've got your big day out on Saturday haven't you", when it's just meeting a friend for coffee.

I did say at some point "why are you asking so much about it, why does it matter what I went to Debenhams for" and he said "I'm ONLY ASKING, why shouldn't I know what you went to Debenhams for" or words to that effect.

Has an answer for everything and takes an injured tone very quickly if I question him the same way he questions me.

[ChocFridgeCake]

Ronaldinio!

Cue "I didn't know you had a less inquisitive ex, when are you meeting him?"

[ChocFridgeCake]

OK I have sent him a text to day I am sorry we have fallen out but he must look at why he pressed me so hard re Debenhams when it was obvious I didn't want to say (and obvious why I went there anyway).

I said that I turn a blind eye to clues about surprises because it's the nice thing to do.

I also said I was sorry for overreacting (which I am) but I had planned my surprise gift very carefully and although I know I revealed it, I wouldn't have done without the pressure from him.

no response as yet...

[mankymummy]

i tend to wave my hands in the air in mock horror and say "ooh sorry didnt realise it was a life or death matter, never mind the world crisis or the slave labour in india, mankymummy went to debenhams... oooooh"