Should I stay out of it?

[Favorina]

I have not been living with DP and his daughter long but have always been concerned about his daughter who is 11. She eats far more than I personally think she should and is overweight. What worries me more is that DP once became so obese that he needed surgery to lose weight. He lost all the weight but only because he had to and he still doesn't eat properly, he just eats as much as he can of bad stuff.

I thought he was doing really well with his diet as he was losing so much weight but the first night I stayed over there I was pretty shocked at what him and his DD eat. Bacon sarnies every morning, packs of 10 donuts, chocolate cakes, DSD munchies on chocolate every night when she's in bed.

She doesn't do much exercise, has a free pass for the gym but never goes, same with DP.

Last night I was really annoyed as I'd started a conversation about changes I'd like to make to all of our diets (including me and DS). We all agreed on it, no strict diet, just cutting out some of the crap and switching to healthier meals with the odd treat. She seemed really excited about it.

So last night before I went out I made salmon and cous cous (which she excitedly helped me make) with lemon and we made some fruit smoothies for afterwards. Everyone commented on how nice the meal was (I let her take all the credit lol) and I went out feeling really pleased with myself.

Then I came home a few hours later and the house stunk of curry. Turns out she had started moaning as soon as I went out that she was hungry so DP had given in and ordered Indian takeaway. She ate 2 popodoms, most of the pickle sauces, a full chicken korma with rice and half of her dad's korma (as he is still restricted on what he can eat) and she put some of DS's korma in a dish and put it in the fridge so she could eat it today.

I said to DP "Do you have any idea how many calories are in a korma?" and he said "well I'm sorry but I'm not going to make her starve".

If she wasn't so used to eating huge portions of food she wouldn't feel hungry after a normal meal.

If it was just him he was hurting fair enough but its his DD now too and from a personal point of view, I'm getting extremely pissed off that DS is starting to eat like them too.

AIBU?

Sorry for posting this in two forums but I realise it may not fit with relationships once I'd read it back.

[ridingjoker]

yanbu if it affecting your ds eating habits too.

[thisisyesterday]

you're not being unreasonable.
I think if I were in that situation I'd make it very clear to them that I am not willing to let my own child eat that way, and that his wellbeing is priority. I would be willing to move out over it as well.
I mean at the end of the day what his daughter eats is really up to him, but perhaps you could have a calm talk with him about whether he thinks the type and amount of stuff she has is appropriate. and if not then how you can both work together to change that.

if he isn't willing to change anything then are you willing to move out?

[Mamazon]

yanbu.

Continue in your efforts to limit what she is eating. she probably is still hungry after a normal sized meal iof she is used to eating as much as you say.

whilst your making the meal encourage her to drink lots of water. it will make her feel full.
then have lots of healthy snacks around teh house.

if she is hungry after her tea then lether eat as many apples/banaana's pears etc as she likes.

[mrsboogie]

Oh God you are so NBU. She is in for a lifetime of misery if she caries n this way. How can he not see what is happening?So tricky to handle though with someone else's child - does he understand about calories in and calories out? could you set a weekly or daily menu plan for the whole family and explain to him that anything she eats above this will cause her to put on weight? He has to be onside or you are fighting a losing battle.

[littlesilversnowbeetle]

I wouldn't stay out of t, no way

he is damaging his daughter's long-term health. Even though she's not your dd it's unreasonable to expect any reasonable person to be a party to this without intervening with common-sense.

And it will affect your ds, no doubt about it.

[Gorionine]

I think you should go with any change in her diet very cautiously and slowly. It is hard to change the habits of a lifetime, even when you know it is good for you.

I had to smile though, DH is from North Africa so we do eat our fair share of couscous and I am always starving about an hour after the end of the meal. I think it makes you feel full very quickly but once all the little "beads" are level in the tummy it really feels empty.

[AnyFucker]

that is very strange behaviour of your partner

why is he feeding her so much?

can't see her starve? stupid excuse

you would think he would know better with his history of food abuse

stupid, stupid man

does he have something invested in making her obese?

I would not be able to stay out of it, tbh, I would be brutally honest and ask what the fuck he thinks he is trying to do

[MyGoldenNotebook]

Hmmm ... that's a really tough one. I don't think that you are being unreasonable for wanting to change an unhealthy young girl's eating habbits, but I think that you should be careful how you tread.

It seems like your DP is quite weak when it comes to food and his DD may see your views as unreasonable (in her experience), and rebel whenever you aren't there (as she has done) if you force the issue too much.

She is obviously used to eating whatever she wants! Moreover, if seeing her dad go through surgery hasn't put her off then you have a tough battle ahead if you want to make a real difference.

I would continue to make healthy meals, engage her interest in cooking and generally 'model' good eating habits. Praise the good and don't make a fuss of the bad or you may face problems.

As for your DS, I think that you have every right to insist that he isn't pushed down the junk food route by DP. I'd be very angry if DH was pushing bad habits on my DS. This also gives you the excuse to continue to cook healthy meals. They're not just for that unhelathy pairs' benefit. They're for you and DS.

If they fill up on Korma afterwards ... well, there's not much you can do.

[BigBellasBeerBelly]

Maybe he can't see it

People are blind to the failings of their children - not that being fat is a failing as such but he may not be able to see it.

And many people equate food with love.

I think the changes need to be gradual and unfortunately need the buy-in of your partner, she is his DD after all and if he doesn't go along with it he will be sneaking her food when you're not looking which will make things even worse.

[slightlycrumpled]

I am a step mother and appreciate how difficult it is when your voice is not heard, however, I would not stay out of it.

Keep making the healthy meals (sounds lovely btw, making me hungry), just keep chipping away, plan a healthy snack ready for them in the evening if she does get hungry then. I don't think she should be left hungry.

Does she get bored in the evening and eats as something to do?

Also your partner should be supporting you 100% in this but maybe he feels embarrased talking to her about it given how he has lost the weight in the end. No excuse however, poor girl.

[AnyFucker]

oops

everybody has been much more understanding than me

[BigBellasBeerBelly]

I have a great big fat DH, anyfucker, and he loves to give DD "treats" to see her face light up. It also means he can have them too. I have to give a lot of looks.

So I can sympathise, it's so easy for this sort of thing to happen, then before you know it it's the norm and behaviours like this are so hard to change...

[MichaelaS]

given that his daughter is 11, can you have a chat with her about it? Teach her about nutrition and calories in/out, and help her to make her own decision?

In the longer term, enforcing a change isn't going to be as effective as persuading her that she wants to change - that would prevent your dp's views from undermining common sense too.

does she know about her dad's operation? I wonder how she feels about the chances of going the same way?

[AnyFucker]

sorry Bella, I sounded a tad judgemental there....

[BigBellasBeerBelly]

No, just that when you're with people like this, although you know what's right, and you want it to be right, it's really really hard to actually make it right.

I know i should just put the hard word on DH but he looks so sad...

It's patetic really. I mean he's got diabetes in the family but I just can't seem to really put my foot down. hence the looks...

[fulltimeworkingmum]

You are not being unreasonable at all. At age 11 she is already likely to be be set up with weight problems for life if she is overweight now. Unfortunately people only change if they want to and with her dad allowing her to eat all that garbage, she won't change of her own accord until she gets a bit older, wonders why no boys fancy her and she can't shop at the same places as all her friends because of her size
Your DH will look even sadder a few years down the line when he's got a miserable, obese, lonely and potentially chronically unhealthy daughter. I think you need to be cruel to be kind - for everybody's sake.
Good luck!

[minxofmancunia]

YANBU, agree with anyfucker and fulltimeworkingmum, over feeding a child and/or allowing them to become obese is neglectful IMO, what's in it for him? What need of his is it meeting?

Yes she's his daughter but a childs welfare especially one who is so close to you is your responsibility too.

I'm trying to empathise with him here, i.e. what "schema" ir is of his that makes him give in to her but this particular issue makes me . How can people do this to their kids?

If he continues with the "i'm not going to make her starve" line I'd suggest a psychologist/family therapist/dietician-seriously.

And you can't just enforce some sort of food boot camp on them but something needs to be done pretty urgently.

[Favorina]

I just don't understand him at all. Last week we went for a pub meal. Me and DP got a lasangne, the kids got a kids meal each but DSD's was quite generous.

First DP gave her all of his garlic bread as he said he wasn't keen on it so on top of what she had (a big portion of fish, chips and mushy peas) she also had two slices of garlic bread.

He ate half of his lasange before his stomach wouldn't allow anymore and he put the plate aside. When the waitress went to take it he said "no, we've not finished with that". He then gave it to DSD who polished that off too and then had a big chocolate "deluxe" icecream with smarties and marshmellows etc.

What annoys me is that now DP can only eat half of what he used to eat, he's simply passing the other half on to his DD. Why on earth would you do that after seeing what that other half did to you in the first place??? I just don't understand it.

[AnyFucker]

that is freaky and weird favorina

that is waaaaaaaay too much food for a little girl

he is fucked-up, seriously

[piscesmoon]

YANBU-I just couldn't sit by and watch them damage their health to such a degree. I am afraid that I would tell them straight that it was going to be healthy eating EVERY DAY with the occasional treat. Absolutely nothing once she had cleaned her teeth and was in bed. Fizzy drinks once a week. I would also go with her to the gym several times a week and do some regular walks. I would expect DP to do the same-especially since he has had surgery.
If they didn't make the effort and change their eating habits and life style I would leave-I couldn't stand it.

[onepieceofcremeegg]

This might sound odd but my ex had major food issues (along with many other problems). He was an obese man, but kind of equated having a big appetite with being more of a "man" iykwim. It was a kind of self esteem thing. Sounds mad when I try and explain, clearly to most people he was more attractive/more of a "man" when he wasn't stuffing his face.

He would laugh and sneer at "normal" food (such as the lovely meal you and your dsd made). The only food that apparently counts is stuff like takeaway curries, pizza, fry ups etc.

I also had a friend and her dp had a similar attitude, prided himself on not eating girly stuff like veg etc . In his eyes also proper food was takeaway.

Sounds like he has some really disturbing ideas wrt food, and is passing this on to his dsd, it's bordering on abuse imo. (sorry that sounds really harsh but clearly there are some big issues here)

[LauriefairycakeeatsCupid]

I would not want to stay in a relationship with someone who had such a different attitude to food and parenting.

Sorry for you

It's nothing to do with him having once been overweight but is to do with not learning and not taking a very active role in not passing on the bad habits.

[piscesmoon]

I would call what he is doing child abuse-her stomach should never have got used to that amount in the first place.

[AnyFucker]

he sounds mad, frankly and I would be running very far away

after I had had a word with that poor childs health visitor