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AIBU?

to be a bit fed up with my sister

18 replies

chocolatemummy · 21/02/2009 18:03

okay, she is a few years older than me and has three children, all born before my one child.
Every school holiday my mum has always had her children three days per week and says she cannot cope with four children so I end up paying for childcare for my dd. That is unless I need it on a day when my mum doesn't have my sisters children.
-This week being half term I have paid for child care three days and my mum had my dd one.
My sister has a lot more family than us via her husbands family and her three children always seem to be doing stuff with the other side of the family and my dd gets really gealous and left out. I told my mum she was selfish the other day because my daughter was missing out and she was very offended?

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chocolatemummy · 21/02/2009 18:03

ARRRRRRRRGH families!

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pooka · 21/02/2009 18:05

I don't think that YABU to be hurt perhaps by the fact that your sister's children seem to come first.

If I were in your mother's shoes I would a) not want to have 4 children to look after! but b) would try and have a fairer split of my time and help.

I'm not sure that it is your sister at fault though - it is after all your mother making the decisions (unless your sister is particularly demanding of her time, of course).

chocolatemummy · 21/02/2009 18:14

I agree that four kids is too much for my mum, I guess the reason I am fed up with my sister is because she has quite a significant higher household income than we do, she drops her children 'one or all' of them off at my mums quite a lot because they live fairly close to my mum and she seems to have no consideration for the fact that we are paying for childcare because she has three children and whenever I ask her to help us out its like pulling teeth out. YOu would think under the circumstances she would try and help me out more ....no?

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moondog · 21/02/2009 18:20

Do any of you pay your mother?
If she does it for everyone for mothing, it seems really off, yes.

chocolatemummy · 21/02/2009 18:29

no we dont pay her, thats my point, not only do my sisters children spend a lot more time with grandma but its also free. I spoke to my mum about it like I said and she got offended and said "well what do you expect me to do, I have always looked after the other three and I am too old to have all four of them"
She doesnt seem to understand why I get upset, If my sister paid for holiday club for all three of her kids it would have cost about £60 a day!

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cupofteaplease · 21/02/2009 18:38

My older sister thinks my mum favours my dc over hers. It gets tiring, tbh.

Yes she has spent more time with my dc than hers- because I have always made the effort to drive them to her house, she hasn't.

Yes she has spent Christmas with us for the last few years- because I have invited her. My sis goes to her inlaws or makes a big deal of staying home 'with just her family'- then complains that mum spends Christmas with us. I'm so sick of it, I won't be inviting my mum this year and see what happens...

To top it off, my mum is coming away with me for 2 weeks on Monday- my sister went LOOPY. Completely lost it with my mum. It's mum I feel sorry for. She's pulled in all directions and made to feel guilty by my sister. Of course, according to my sister, I manipulate my mum into spending time with my dc...

I have 3 other siblings btw with 5 childrn between them- they have never had a problem with the time my mum spends with my dc.

So, be sure who you are cross with- your mum, or your sister? And if it is your sister- talk to her, there is no point being cross with your mum over this.

beanieb · 21/02/2009 18:41

Depends on if this is a saving money issue or a real need for your mum to spend more time with your daughter.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 21/02/2009 18:46

Tell them how you feel, because you are 100% entitled to your feelings. But I think that you need to get rid of this idea that your mum should help you out, ought to be there or owes you something. She is under no obligation to look after your child, even if she chooses to provide 7 day care for your sister's children. I know it doesn't feel 'fair' if she chooses to have your sister's kids and not yours, it must rankle - but you have no entitlement and hard as it is, you have to accept that.

chocolatemummy · 21/02/2009 18:47

well it is difficult, I am cross with my sister for being selfish... because she is

I am a little cross with my mum for not doing things more equally epecially as she knows she is the only family we have in the area as my dh family live miles away

we were suposed to be going to the cinema on wed morning and my dd was so excited all week about it and then on the morning, my mum cancelled because my sisters kids had already see the film and wanted to do something else, they didnt want to go to playland which i suggested because they are too old! aged between 6-11 years and so my mum took them off somewhere they wanted to go and I took my dd to the cinema on her own, although she was crying for ages and wanted to be with her cousins.
For god sake, it always seems to be about them!

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violethill · 21/02/2009 18:48

This kind of thread exemplifies why using relatives for free childcare is a minefield. Usually at least one party will feel used/unvalued/resentful/undermined.

You need to take a step back from this and stop comparing yourself with your sister. You have to pay for proper childcare in the school holidays - that's a fact of life for most of us. You are not hard done by because of that. And at least your child is school age now - childcare costs are far more crippling when they're at nursery.

It sounds as though your sister is taking the piss tbh. If your mum can't cope with 4 children, then 3 must be pushing her to her limit. I would rather pay for quality childcare and enable my kids to be with friends their own age, than leave them with an elderly relative who would be frazzled and worn out. Grandparents should be there for the nice bits. Seeing grandparents should be a treat. So try looking at it that way. You are being an independent adult, not taking advantage of your mum as your sister is.

gagarin · 21/02/2009 18:57

This sounds like sibling rivalry - between you and your sister!

So before you even had any childen your sister had 3.

And she lives near your mum.

And your mum did the childcare.

Now your mum is too old to have a younger child and all three together BUT still has the energy to look after 3 older children who are very used to her looking after them.

What is your mum supoosed to do?

She could have said no to your sister all those years ago - just in case you ever had children and looking after lots of grandchildren would be too much for her when she got older.

She could say no to your sister now.

But how would that help family dynamics?

If i were your mum i'd be feeling that I was getting old and tired and was very unappreciated.

If you have aproblem with the amount of childcare your mum does for your sister then discuss it with your sister - not your mum.

cupofteaplease · 21/02/2009 18:58

So looking at your example of Wednesday- your mum could have gone to the film with just you and your dd which would have been nice. Or you could all have gone and done something together, so dd was with her cousins. Then you and dd could have gone to the cinema another time.

If your mum is happy to do the childcare, then I don't think you can blame anyone. I don't think your sister is 'taking the piss', if free childcare is being offered to her- after all, you want some of that yourself!

I don't know, it's hard. (Btw, I pay for all my childcare and get no help from mum or ILS!)

cupofteaplease · 21/02/2009 18:59

Gagarin- you have explained things much better than I was tryng to!

catweazle · 21/02/2009 19:09

You don't seem to have looked at this from your sister's POV at all. It is much more expensive to pay for care for 3 children than just one, and also much more difficult to find somewhere that will take all 3.

You don't say how old your mum is. 11 years can make a huge difference to somebody's capabilities.

I had 4 children at once and people would only ever have one or exceptionally two of them at a time, never all of them. Except my mum would have them all for a week in the summer holidays and my niece, who is between DD1 and DS1 in age.

It's hardly your mum and sister's fault if your DD gets left out when they are doing things with her DH's family, so I can't see why you put that bit into your OP.

chocolatemummy · 21/02/2009 19:24

I put the stuff about sisters other family to acknowledge that she 'does have' other family in the area and we don't, her children have about 7 other cousins and three other aunts/uncles to play with and do stuff with and my dd doesnt. Which makes it more important to me that she spends time with my mum and her cousins.
Its not sibling rivalry i dont think and i agree that it is harder and very expensive for three kids in child care. Its just a first come first served situation I guess but I find it hard to explain to my dd when she finds out all her cousins are having a nice day at grandmas and she cannot go!
My mum is 60 and my dd is 5 so plays very well with her cousins but my sisters two boys are very loud and boisterous.

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pooka · 21/02/2009 20:21

TBH the more I think about this, the more upset I would be.

The wednesday thing, letting your dd down at the expense of the older children, is most unfair and I also would have been sad if the same had happened.

My MIL has 7 grandchildren, including my 2. She has naturally had more to do with the older gcs - girls from 13 to 18 yrs old - than with my two. Partly because she is now 15 years older than she was in the early days of being a grandparent. Partly because I do have existing strong support network of my mother. But she is scrupulously fair about at least trying to juggle her time to accommodate other grandchildren, and as they have become older and more prone to doing their own thing, she has more time for the others.

I'm not sure what advice I have to offer though - because am fortunately not in same situation. But I do see why you feel the way you do.

MrsMcCluskey · 21/02/2009 20:43

I really feel for you, and I think both your Mum and sister are not taking your feelings into consideration.
My Mum is 62 and picks my 2 children up from school 3 times a week and has them in school hols
My brother now has 2 children and although younger ans harder work my Mumm tries her best to do the same for them and drives 12 miles each way one day a week to look after them.
It should be the same for all or not at all, ime.

gagarin · 21/02/2009 21:52

"I told my mum she was selfish..."

But why? How is what she does selfish?

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