to have had it up to HERE with my &^*$*(£%^$(*&"£$^ 'friend'

[MadreInglese]

I've been friends with this person for about 10 years. She is very much a taker rather than a giver but as she was good fun and great company it's always been overlooked by all of us (in our group of friends) in a "you know what she's like" kind of way.

Over the last couple of years it seems her life has not gone the way she ideally wanted it to. Now as much as I usually believe the "you made your bed, now lie in it" view I know it's not always black and white and have tried to be a good friend to her and support and help her, despite it being thrown back in my face frequently. Before anyone says it I'm not a smug type, I have been a struggling single parent trying to study, just as she is now, but she forgets this.

She has ranted in the past about how can I possibly know how she feels as my life is perfect in every way. Now I know I'm happy with my life, but I've worked bloody hard (and still am doing!) for my family and myself, nothing has been handed to me on a plate. My life is not perfect and I've had my fair share of shite to sift through, but she is never arsed about how I am, just about her latest problem. The stuff she moans about in her life has come about through decisions that she made, but somehow she's angry with me about it all.

I don't know what she wants from me, it feels like she wants me to be miserable too. I've really tried to be supportive, but she started ranting at me on the phone lately and I felt it was completely out of order and I ended up in tears (NOT like me at all) on a frigging busy commuter train

I decided, in simple terms, that she could f* right off.

But now the guilt is drip drip dripping back in and I'm feeling like I should call her and have a chat over coffee. But I know how it will go:

she moans
I offer support or help or just a shoulder
she accepts
she is happy for a while and we have a laugh
she gets pissed off with her life and takes it out on me
I feel like shit
we don't speak for a while
I feel bad and call her........

on a farking loop

[OatcakeCravings]

YANBU - I know about the guilt but the best advice I could give you would be to ignore it - it will pass with time!

You know that you don't need her in your life - you don't need anyone who makes you feel like this.

AND if she does get in touch with you and apologies I would still keep her at arms length.

[jabberwocky]

There are seasons for everything including friends. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to break it off with her just as you would a relationship with a partner. And, while you may feel a bit sad about it in some ways, it sounds like you would be really happier without this "friend".

[peggotty]

It sounds like she is trying to draw you into some kind of co-dependant type of relationship. She sounds like an emotional leech, and harsh as it sounds, you should keep her away. You could give and give and give and it would never be enough for her.

[MadreInglese]

I just don't feel I can do anything right where she's concerned. I'm a bit sick of being her whipping boy, well that's how it feels at the moment.

[MadreInglese]

I don't want to be the cow who abandoned her when she needed a friend most but it's just making me feel crap

[jabberwocky]

She sounds like an emotional vampire. Have run away from a few of those in my time.

[noonki]

It doesn't sound as if either of you are gaining anything from this realtionship.

She sounds very jealous and unable to see her own mistakes.

I would steer clear.

[MadreInglese]

I wish I didn't care.

I care about her, I care about her kids.

I'm just sick of her being like this with me, I don't understand it.

[DDraigoch33]

Sounds like a destructive 'friendship' to me and one that plainly you can do without.

[Nekabu]

I don't think you should just ditch her; I think you should tell her what you've told us (that way she gets to know why and can change her behaviour if she wants). That whilst you are definitely there for her as a friend you are not there for her to use as her whipping boy. The life she now leads is a result of decisions that she made, you didn't make them for her. If she is not happy with that life then she can come to you, her friend, for support and ideas but not to offload all her anger and frustration onto. If she gets the hump and it ends up that you are no longer friends, then you won't have lost anything and hopefully at some stage she will reflect on what you've said and realise that it is justified. If she doesn't get the hump and digests what you've said then hopefully she will stop being such a pain and you can go back to being proper friends again. Either way you don't lose as she's intolerable at the moment, so if you do cease being friends it's no loss to you, though I think it will be a big loss to her.

[Wintersun]

I had a friend like that. She was always hard done by and moaned about her problems constantly. When I told her I was pregnant, she even managed to turn that around so it was about how she wished she had had more children and then spent the whole afternoon in tears.

I did feel for her but it got to a point where if things were going well for me, she would get pissed off with me and more miserable about herself.

I would definitely stay clear of her.

[babymt]

I could've written this post about a year ago! My best friend (yes I know that makes me sound about 12 but she was) of 10+ years had been having a crap time of it and seemed to be taking it out on me. It was so frustrating to watch her making so many mistakes and making things worse for herself. For example she developed hyperthyrdoism (sp?) by years of eating incredibly badly. And did she fix herself? No she just didn't take her meds and still ate f all decent then moaned about how terrible she felt etc.

In the end we spent several years sniping at each other and getting frustrated with each other that it all came to a head exactly one year ago and I told her I didn't think we should be friends anymore. It really felt like we'd never get over the nastiness and I couldn't get over the things she'd done to me.

A couple of examples:

• On me telling her I was having a miscarriage which I was very upset about (it was literally happening right then) it then got turned around to her abortion miscarriage (depends who you believe) which I never knew had happened and she kept saying how glad she was it'd happened etc. Not exactly a friendly thing to do is it?

• I was desperate for some support when housebound with spd in my last pregnancy and stuck inside with a 20 month old I was begging her to come see me, or just chat to me or anything and she never came or helped or anything. She ignored me for the worst 6 weeks of it and then didn't come see my dd who was her goddaughter for 2 weeks.

Anyway it took 1.5 years for me to get the confidence up to tell her we should take a break. We've barely spoken since. And whilst I miss having a friend (she was my only one really) I don't really miss her as such...just the having a best friend part. I think for you its a choice of weighing up how you'll feel without her in your life vs how you'll feel with her carrying on like she is.

Hope that made sense it was a bit rambly sorry.

[slug]

There's a great song by Garbage that goes:

"She's only happy when it rains"

[MadreInglese]

I can't think what to say to her that will not end up with her seeing red

I'd like to say something like "It doesn't seem that you want me as a friend, I don't understand why you're so angry with me, I'd like us to stay friends as you all mean a lot to me, but I can't continue letting you make me feel shit"

but then that sounds all submissive and doormatty and it annoys me as that's not how I want to come across

The other extreme is "I am not responsible for what has happened in your life! Stop taking it out on me!!"

I need something in between. I am lurching between intense anger and offense and overwhelming guilt and sadness.

Nothing I can come up with sounds genuine, or not smug, or not pity-inducing, or not waffley. She avoid emotions like the plague so I don't think she'll ever tell me why she feels like this towards me

Gawd I'm talking shite and rambling now, sorry....

[bubblagirl]

sounds just like the friend i have decided to have nothing more to do with spent every day mopping her tears went through rough time never heard from her once and then she'd phone when she had a problem tell me how perfect my life was not that she'd know we only ever spoke about her and now ive decided enough is enough people only treat you how you allow them too im not doing it now

we dont have fun we used to have fun i need a friend that will put my needs equal to theres so im not chasing her as if i leave it she has left it 6 mths to call me before now obviously not that in need and when she has been let down by someone else its back to me

dont waste your time its not an equal friendship your not having fun so let it go

[MadreInglese]

Thankyou all for making me feel a little bit less of a cowbag [weak smile]

[bubblagirl]

i was ad to say i lost my best friend but she wasnt she was my friend who we would occasionally have fun with but she was never there for me thats not friendship i felt more used than loved so its not a real friendship[ at all i allowed her to treat me this way and no more gave her a few chance to be there for me and never was that was the turning point for me

[chelsygirl]

don't put up with her crap, you don't need it

[MadreInglese]

You're right MadamD, I've been crabby with friends in the past but have always apologised and explained it's because of a shit day, or whatever (doesn't excuse it I know, but removes the personal part of it)

[ColeensBoot]

Zombie. Ignore. Reported.