is she for not wanting to work full-time?

[emkana]

My friend is seperated from the father of her two boys, who are six and 10, the one boy has Asperger's (relatively mild). My friend recently lost her job and is now looking for a new one. Before she worked two days a week, now she's thinking of maybe doing three days, but in school hours. There have been ongoing rows with her ex-partner because he pays more maintenance than he thinks he should, but she insists she can't be expected to work full-time as it would be too stressful.

I want to support my friend but I also want her to be realistic, but I don't want to upset her. What do you all think?

[nametaken]

Your friends ex sounds like a twit. How can she work full time if she has parental responsibility for 2 children and no partner.

School finishes at 3.30 and work at 5.30 so where on earth does he think his boys are supposed to be at these times and in school holidays.

[Twinklemegan]

I think if your friend's ex is paying maintenance through the CSA it wouldn't make a difference if she worked one day or five, she'd get the same amount.

If in their circumstances it would make a difference to her ex, then I think it's only right that she pulls her weight as much as possible. I think she should try to find childcare arrangements to enable her to work more hours if at all possible.

[mumblechum]

Is she in Germany? Don't know anything about the law there, but in England, the court would normally not expect the mum to work full time till the youngest is at secondary school.

[emkana]

No she's in the UK.

[Yurtgirl]

I am in the same situation as your friend emkana - I also have a ds with aspergers

I find it really tricky to know how to work and also parent my los and keep up with the household stuff. School holidays would be a nightmare

I know its possible but I dont know that it would be a good idea. I think it would cause undue stress on my ds especially.

I dont know what the solution is tbh but working in order to please an ex is I think not worth it

[Joe90]

Even with a husband in tow, (albeit never around because of work) I have found it impossible to contemplate full time work. I have 3 boys and the oldest is also a mild aspie, on top of the usual issues all parents face I have to be able to attend review meetings, and hospital appointments for my son. When I used to put him in an after school club to try and help him to gain social skills he would do precious little interacting, I can imagine a childminder would have found him very hard to cope with. In the 4 years he has been at secondary school i have also had bullying incidents to deal with as secondary school has been, as it very often is, much harder for him than a small primary school. Also at weekends aspies are far harder work for the parent if, like mine, they do not have a social life. I think the ubnreasonable part is your friend's ex.

[expatinscotland]

Her ex is being a twat.

HE should try keeping on top of a child with SN. Relatively mild AS is still AS.

[bluenosesaint]

No, IMO she is not being unreasonable, whatever her reasons are.

The fact remains that she has two young sons and is raising them alone - no easy task to my mind ...and if the job of raising the children can be made easier by accepting part time work rather than full (of course assuming that this is a viable option) then how could she be being unreasonable?

[findtheriver]

While I'm not getting drawn into the rights and wrongs of this particular situation, I had to chuckle at nametaken:

'School finishes at 3.30 and work at 5.30 so where on earth does he think his boys are supposed to be at these times and in school holidays. '

• er , plenty of families have two parents who work fulltime. You use a CM/after school club/other forms of childcare!!!

[expatinscotland]

Her child has SN, find. Asperger's, however mild, is still autism.

And those of us with school-age children with SN know what this involves - appointments, review meetings, extra work at home with the child, dealing with bullying and school procedures for this, appointments and on and on.

[Quattrocento]

Hang on hang on hang on

Most of the sahms on here have a partner and complain when he doesn't do his share of the chores

So you/her DP expect this woman to work full-time when she is already working, and do all the childcare when one of them has Aspergers?

It's a ridiculous ask IMO and I am a fully certified workaholic

[findtheriver]

Absolutely expat, but many people who have a child with SEN do work full time. That's the reality. I'm not saying it's easy, or necessarily reasonable in this particular case. I just found the assumption by nametaken that the mother couldnt possibly work because where the hell would the children be between 3.30 and 5 pm rather amusing!!

[expatinscotland]

Let's get some input on here about what is realistic about bringing up a child with Asperger's - and let's keep in mind that 'mild' Asperger's is still autism.

Any volunteers?

I'll be happy to share how much time and effort we're putting in just now with a dyspraxic child with plenty of gross and fine motor skills delays who is currently petitioning the education authorities to fund a much-needed extra year in a nursery school with an SEN unit as the school cannot cope with her. She'll be 5 next week.

[expatinscotland]

Well, yes, find, but this person is also a single mum.

[expatinscotland]

Whose partner is bitching about the maintenance he pays for his children.

[Twinklemegan]

I think maybe the question should be rephrased as "can't work full time" rather than "doesn't want to". "Doesn't want to because it's stressful" brings the answer "tough" from me. If she genuinely can't due to her son's special needs, that's a different matter altogether.

Just be wary of any distinction between her being maintained by her ex, or maintained by the State. If it's the State then the general attitude is that every mother should get off her arse and work all hours god sends. If it's an ex doing the paying, then the attitude is usually quite the opposite. It shouldn't be - there's a happy medium that applies in both cases.

[Niecie]

I am another one with a child who has mild AS and I don't think I could leave him in an afternoon club either. He has had enough at the end of the school day and needs to come home and relax a bit - it is hard work for an Aspie trying and failing to fit in and from that point of view the school day is long enough. My DS also has dyspraxia and it is physically tiring for him, trying to keep up with the other children.

I also like to be at school to pick him up as occasionally there are issues that need dealing with there and then and I couldn't do that if he went to a club.

On the assumption your friend faces similar difficulties, I don't think she is unreasonable not to want to work FT - it would be stressful for her and both her boys.