to write my mum a letter...

[misboo]

... about her behaviour since her new boyfriend arrived on the scene?

She has been seeing him for about 2 months and during that time we (me, younger brother and sister and my DS) have hardly seen her (we saw her often before and were all close). Fair enough she is in the mot exciting stage of a new relationship when you get wrapped up in eachother, but her behaviour is really damaging her relationship with us.

My sister still lives with her and has always been anxious about being in the house by herself. She is also at a very stressful time as desperately trying to finish her coursework and is soon to start GCSE exams.

My sister is feeling especially upset by the situation as my mum says things like "well sorry if i'm doing something I enjoy for once", "if you don't like it go and live with your dad" (he is in london which is a way away and i think i have seen him more than my mum recently!) and "i thought we were past all this nonsense" when my sister tries to talk to her about the subject in a sensible way.

I have tried talking to my mum about it; the general reaction is that she rolls her eyes and takes in nothing i say (i can genuinely see her tuning me out) as she is either distracted by my DS or daydreaming about the new bloke.

Recently they went away for the whole weekend and my sister came to stay with me. She told my sister she was back in our town at 6pm on sunday, then texted to say she would be home at 8pm. My sister was a bit hurt that she had spent the whole weekend away but still wasn't coming home to see her, but was mature and went home at 8.30pm in order to let my mum be late without it causing an argument. Mum showed up at 9.30pm.

ALso she can't see my until sunday due to being away in london for work on wednesday night. She told my sister she has to be away tuesday night as well - in fact she is going to new blokes house to stay as he is so near the station and can give her a lift in so no car parking fees. She lives 15mins away, he lives 5 mins away, surely she could leave her car there in the morning and get a lift then? There is also apparently no time to see us between finishing work at 6.30pm and leaving the next morning. So she was home only last night during which time she hardly saw my sister.

I know these are little things but it feels like there are constant little let downs and she is expecting me to look after my sister - i have no problem with it except she seems to have decided that i can do it so that she can do what she likes.

Of course she is entitled to do things for herself, be away from home etc, but when we mention that we would like to see her it turns into "well of course i'd rather be with X if your sister is going to be grumpy when i'm home" or "if you think i'm giving him up you're wrong" - total defensive nonsense.

Sorry for the massive rant, just it's a bit hard to explain concisely! Should i put all this in a letter which we can discuss, so that i know she has at least heard what i have to say? I think maybe that way i can keep calm as she can feel very dismissive and patronising (you're only young, you don't know what it's like etc etc) and we have a chance of sorting it before it gets worse? Am dreading going round there for "mother's day" at the moment. Just a letter seems a bit harsh?

Any ideas appreciated and thanks for reading if you've stuck with me this far!

[misboo]

That came out huge! sorry!

[PotPourri]

What age is your sister?

Must admit, her being swept off her feet sounds like it is a good thing for her - was she miserable before? I think your own situation, if you are out of hte house and 'all grown up' is different to your sister who I think is still a dependant.

A letter would be a good idea, as you could carefully consider what you are saying before saying it. However, I think you should keep it positive - I am happy for you that you have found happiness. but I miss you. No recriminations etc. Your sister who is still a dependant could do a similar thing. but I do think you need to be wary of getting too involved in other people's battles as it were

[PotPourri]

Oh, and give your little sister lots and lots of love and support. If she is feeling left out, you need to help her stand on her own feet/learn to adapt to a situation that will work for them both

[misboo]

My sister is just 16, but has been having problems with depression recently and really needs extra support! I have to admit i feel very similarly to my sister but am trying to stay back from it as like you say i am not a dependant.

My mum was not miserable as such before - she was sad because after an affair of 15 years (!) this bloke had not left his wife and she decided to end it. So as far as i'm concerned we obviously hadn't stopped her leading her life as she wanted to anyway. She had been going away a night a week to see this guy for a few years without anyone knowing, and my brother and sister still don't know about it.

I try not to bring that into this situation but it seems a bit hard not to!

[PotPourri]

I know. It sounds like an awful situation. It also sounds like your mum is conciously 'letting her hair down' and just going for it now. Maybe she feels like she has been holding back and now that you kids are older that her time has come. Who knows.

I definately think a letter would be a good way to approach it, as you acn take your time to forumlate what you want to say. And it would be worth getting someone impartial to read throuhg it to check it reads as an olive branch rather than a way to criticise her...

[branflake81]

Sounds like your mum is enjoyiing herself and is happy. You should support her in this. None of you is a child any more, let your mum have some fun.

[misboo]

True potpourri, i'm not sure i could prevent my anger about the affair etc (my mum and dad were married too) fromcoming through into a lette about this. I may get my sister to write her a letter first and then if that doesn't have any result approach her myself, because although it is affecting me and my DS it's not to the same extent as my sister.

branflake i am happy my mum is happy, of course i am. I think at 16 you still need your mum around occasionally, and for her to start talking about you moving out as soon as she gets a boyfriend and how she'd rather see him than you is rather hurtful.

None of us has ever stopped her having her fun, she has happily lived her own life for years.