How can i explain to my friend that she is being an insensitive cow but still support her?

[ShakeysGirl]

She is 25 weeks pregnant, her dp dumped her when he found out and she is now alone. She is only 18 and doesn't have much support. I found out i was pregnant a few weeks before she did and she came with me to my 12 week scan where unfortunately it was discovered there was no heartbeat. This was in october. Since then i've put up with comments such as 'our babies could have been friends' and she frequently texts me scan pictures. Our due dates were just weeks apart and she wants me to be her birth partner.

[Lulumama]

i think you have to be quite blunt, as she is so wrapped up in her pregnancy and her problems, that she has possibly forgotten that you lost a baby. i doubt it is deliberate, and her commetns might be her way of being sympathetic and kind

do you want to be her birth partner? do you think you could cope? if not, tell her now, not when she is about to deliver... she could contact \link{http://www.doula.org.uk\doula UK ] and see about getting a doula, some will work for expenses only or free if she is financially strapped. then she will have support before during and after the birth, without leaning on you

[bookwormmum]

that must be hard - you have my sympathies.

she is probably a bit lonely herself and needs support (not in the same way as you do).

[Lulumama]

doula UK

[ShakeysGirl]

I don't think she would understand, Shes a young 18 and lives at home, still gets pocket money etc. She doesn't have the life experience to have any empathy with my situation. She has no support other than me and dp which has its own problems as the father is dps best mate. Every time the baby kicks etc she texts us. I know she is excited but we are still having counselling after the miscarriage and this isn't helping.

[TotalChaos]

oh dear, what an awkward situation. she sounds rather isolated - are her parents OK with her about the PG? could you get her to join here or babycentre, so she could yatter away to other PG ladies and expand her social circle a little?

[Lulumama]

good idea total chaos

[ShakeysGirl]

I will give her the link to look at thank you. Sometimes its like life is playing some sort of joke, my other best friend is due 4 days before i would have been, one has just had a baby and even my mum is pregnant lol but none of them knew that i was pregnant so i can detach from their pregnancy talk but with the person in question its harder because she does know which makes it more personal. I do not want to hear about how we could have gone to antenatal together etc.

[Lulumama]

you need to tell her. sit her down , maybe the 4 of you, and talk honestly and openly. you cannot endure another 5 months of this !

if she gets the hump, she is not a good friend.

18 year olds can be a bit self obsessed at the best of times anyway

[ShakeysGirl]

I think because i'm older than her both in years and in my head iyswim i feel uncomfortable about sitting her down and talking with her about it. I don't want to make her feel even more alone. I know what its like to go through a first pregnancy, every little flutter is magic and front page news. I've been avoiding her which isn't fair, and doesn't work as she just turns up at the school when i'm picking my boys up. Shes a lovely girl and would be mortified to know she was causing someone pain.

[ShakeysGirl]

Any ideas on how to word a conversation without making her feel she can't discuss her pregnancy, make her feel uncomfortable etc would be great if anyone has any ideas.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Maybe she is trying to acknowledge your loss and share her baby with you.

[TotalChaos]

maybe put it along the lines of that you don't feel comfortable talking about what might have been with your pg and baby you lost as you are still naturally upset about that.

[ShakeysGirl]

I think that may be part of it, she has asked if i will be his godmother. She really is one of the nicest people i know and will be a great mum which is why i don't want to make her feel uncomfortable about discussing her pregnancy with me. Her ex is shockingly bad to the point where he texts her alot saying that her keeping the baby is making him suicidal and to make sure she keeps a photo of him to show the baby when he is older as he - the father- might not be around by then. Poor girl

[TotalChaos]

good god, what a nightmare bloke. sounds like she's better of without him and should try and block texts from his no.

[bubblagirl]

this is a difficult one and i think honesty is best policy

when i was pregnant my friend mc i felt really awkward and distanced myself from her

she was so upset she really wanted to be part of my pregnancy especially after losing her own

i didnt realise i just persumed she wouldnt want to know but as my frioend she felt hurt that i kept away

had we spoke about it i would have involved her more you really need to be honest with her about how you feel

as with my friend she wanted to be involved

maybe she thinks bu involving you its a good thing for you for some it is but i dont think she is being insensitive she just doesnt know how you feel

[mom2latinoboys]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think that you need to tell her that you do not want her to comment on "our babies". Tell her that you are upset by it, but also say that you are more than happy to share her joy in her baby.

If I were you I would be her birth partner. I miscarried last week and my very good friend had her second baby the next day. It was very helpful to see her and her baby and to celebrate with them. It may be cathartic (sp?) for you to be there.