to want to go out? My parents are making it really hard.

[MAMAZON]

ok, im single and have been for a long time.
i have recently started going out on a thirsday night. not every thursday, maybe once or twice a month.
Just before christmas i there werea few more nights ourt than usual, twice in one week and once the second.

my brother is 17 and is currently living with me. he attends a kind of part time college course which is designed to help him decide to stay on in education or give him a few extra skills to help him find a job.
he doesn't pay any rent or contribute to his keep.

on the times i have gone out i have paid him in ciggerettes as he has no other way of getting them he has been happy with this.

i go out on a thursday so it doesn't clash with any of his plans at the weekend, the children are in bed before i go out and he has access to the sky/comp/phone etc.

my parents don't think i should be going out. they seem to think that i am taking advantage of my brother by using him to babysit.

they have now begun persuading him to create things to do in order to prevent me going out.
it is so petty and quite pathetic really. my mum had me at 17, she has gone on to have 9 other children. she has only ever known my dad. she has never really had a social life.
my dad just enjoys interfering with other peoples lives and spendas his time trying to stir trouble within the family and bitching about us all to each other.

it really is draining but us older ones know what he is like and so we don't really worry about it.
but my brother feels pressurised by him.

tell me, am i really an irresponsib;e parent for wanting to act like a 27 year old occasionally?

[QuintessentialShadow]

YANBU
Why is he living with you?

If you mother wants a say in how you and him handle the affairs in your home, then she should be living with him. She has no right to interfere, unless the issue is that he is paid in cigarettes, as she might have an issue with an older sister making smoke available to him.

[Fubsy]

Dont think youre being unreasonable at all!

If its any consolation, Im in my early 40s, and my Mum wouldnt talk to me when I went to London for 2 nights when DD was 3 (she's now 6). She said she didnt think a mother should leave her children!

She didnt bat an eyelid when then DP went away for a week! he's now XP, so I know how stir crazy youre probably feeling.

Just a thought - do you think your parents might be thinking your brother is not responsible enough to look after children?

Or is there an element of precious last born, still our baby, let him have his fun?

[stripeymama]

YANBU. Not in the slightest.

If he is living with you and is happy to babysit, its not really got anything to do with your parents.

[moondog]

They sound very interfering.
Go out if you trust your db.

[Hecate]

Why not say to him that if he is not able to contribute by babysitting, you are going to have to ask him to pay you some board.

I bet that will free up his Thursdays!

[newgirl]

yanbu

maybe to ease things pay in money rather than cigarettes - that seems a bit odd

ask for board so you can pay for a babysitter some times too

why do your parents have a say? do they babysit too? do they pay for the rent?

def time to get some space in that family!

[louii]

If he is living under your roof it is none of your parents business what your arrangements are.

Agree totally with Hecate's post.

[MAMAZON]

he isn't the last born, he is smack in the middle.

he is staying with me because my dad kicked him out.

he has been smoking since he was about 14. i don't like the idea of it at all but its a habbit he refuses to trya nd break and if i gave him cash it would go on ciggerettes anyway.

My brother isn't supernanny by anymeans but he has been around children all his life and is more than capable of watching them for a few hours in the evening.

to be honest they really are only doing this to be spitefull.

[MotherFunk]

Message withdrawn

[Emprexia]

You pay him in cigarettes? You are aware its now illegal aren't you?

Try paying him cash. And tell your mom to butt out.

[MotherFunk]

Message withdrawn

[Hecate]

I'd be telling them they lost all rights to give him instructions the day they threw him out.

And I'd be encouraging him to think for himself too.

They sound charming, mamazon.

[flowerybeanbag]

YANBU at all. I'd consider giving him cash instead of cigarettes but definitely not unreasonable, and surely it's got nothing whatever to do with your parents if he lives with you and both of you are happy with the arrangement.

[SSSandy2]

But if your dad threw him out of the house, why is your brother still worrying about what his dad has to say about this?

[OverMyDeadBody]

YANBU! Of course you are allowed to go out once a week in the evening!

I had my brother stay with me for a while and didn't charge him rent or food money, and he happily babysat for me any night I wanted him to, and my parents where glad about this. Your parents sound very controlling. I hope your brother has more sense thn to be influenced by what they say.

[Kimi]

YANBU in the least, a little bit of babysitting in return for free bed and board is not asking much.

I am really lucky when it comes to going out. I am off out with new DP tonight and DH1 is staying over to babysit, my mum is also a god send.

[Emprexia]

Motherfunk, its illegal to buy with the intent to supply to a minor. that is the issue i was raising.
she could get in trouble, thats all i'm thinking about.

[louii]

Is there not a loophole in law that although a 17 year old can't buy cigarettes, it is not illegal for them to smoke or indeed for someone else to buy them cigarettes.
It is not the same as the alcohol laws which prohibit buying alcohol for someone under 18.

[bookwormmum]

If he's been smoking for the past 3 years I can't see him giving up just because a law is telling him it's now illegal .

To the OP - no you aren't being unreasonable, one night a week is hardly excessive and we all need a break from time to time. If your parents are that worried, they should pay for a sitter or come around themselves. You are giving him free bed and board, after all.

[tigermoth]

As your parents threw out your brother, he is happy to babysit and you trust him to look after your children, YANBU in wanting this babysitting arrangement to continue.

(I am assuming that your parents did not throw out your db over something that could affect his ability to be a reliable babysitter, and they have no good reason to believe he cannot be responsible around children.)

[MAMAZON]

they threw him out because he didn't help enough around the house.

my parents are very controlling indeed. my dad is now pretty much disabled and so doesn't leave the house, my mum therefore only leaves teh house to go shopping..usually accompanied by her taxi driver (ME!)
they have no friends and most of my aunts and uncles have pretty much given up trying to socialise with them because they make it such hard work.

as i say, us older kids know them well enough to realise they are like this and will speak to each other about whatt hey have been up to lately and the manipulations they try and pull.
but my brother is still young enough to feel bullied by them. my dad will go on for hours until you give in, its like chinese water torture...he doesn't suht up until you tell him he is right.

As for the way i pay him, i have offered to give him cash but as he can't buy his own ciggerettes now he just gives it back to me and asks me to get him some anyway....its just cutting out the middle man really.
im not happy and would gladly spend the money on something else but as any smoker will tell you...once you start its pretty hard to stop.

[Hecate]

Why not just say to your mum that if she doesn't butt out you will withdraw your taxi services?

Sometimes you need to bite the bullet and put people in their place!

[alicet]

MMazon you are so NOT unreasonable!! Actually in your situation I might not pay my bro forn babysitting as I think this is a fair swap for free board and lodging!!! And your parents attitude beggars belief - how on earth do they think they have any right to interfere when they threw him out!!!!!!!!!

Agree with Hecate's last post about withdrawing taxi services for them. And anything else you do to help them as they are scuppering your one chance at a social life.

How dare they! I am very angry on your behalf!!!!