i throught parenting was a joint effort!!!!!!!

[Horsiemummy]

hi all, does anyone else feel that the massive life change that comes with parenting has only happened to them whilst hubby's life continues as normal!!!

LOOK OUT RANT ALERT!
we both wanted kids!, dh showed v.little intrest during pregnancy (but tbh i thought fair enough because its hard to be excited if nothing is happening to you).
when our son was born he did nothing - at all - no time off work to help. bottle fed from 1 month but dh did no feeds unless i begged for a break ( then acted like a fuckin martyr!) he changed his first nappy once ds was 6 months old and currently does one a week. he does work but i also work part time as well as being the secretary for "his" own buisiness.
i thought things were improving, as ds is getting older and more interactive (13mo now) hubby is playing with him more and now gives him his last bottle before bed. but recently he has started insisting that he go out at least 2 nights a week ( i was fine with once a week - comes back blind drunk withought fail i may add) but twice is pushing my limit. i dont mind the going out but its the drunken antics (and increasingly angry drunken antics) im sick of. he says that he has always been like this and i shouldnt want him to change. now but my life is changed beyond recognition and i feel that he wont take on his responsibility and grow up - surely new parents just have to accept that they go out less dont they? he recons i should be grateful because he dosent have any other hobbies that take his time and money but im resenting him ( gosh thats hard to admit!) i havent ridden my horse in 2 months (dh will not look after ds during the day on his own!)and i feel im losing my identity. our sex life is gone - because im storing up all this ill feeling towards him - what has happened to us? we have been together 12 yrs i never expexted this

any advice - or flippin well giving me hell for being so pathetic - much appreciated

sorry for long rant but sooooo wanted to tell someone - anyone!

[Hekate]

You're not pathetic.

He's pathetic.

First off, if he goes out twice a week, you go out twice a week. Even if all you do is go to a mates house. Do NOT even get started on the 'he can go out but you never leave the house without the baby' stuff - don't get suckered into that routine!!!!

As to him not looking after his son, have you asked him why? Perhaps he's afraid, maybe he feels he's not capable? Anyway, whatever, the only way to learn is to do it. And he needs to.

You need to talk to him. Calmly. Tell him how you feel and that you feel like a single parent and ask him how he thinks things could change.

Tell him that all this has affected your libido, and if things changed, maybe you'd start to feel more like making love.

[MerryKIFmas]

doesn't sound a lot of fun.

Have you thought of chasing him down the street brandishing a rolling pin? Would be cathartic.

[coby]

No, you are not being pathetic, he needs to grow up.

Increasinlgy angry drunken antics and he thinks he has doesn't have to change??? What the hell is wrong with him...??

btw will be posting a similar thread once i have the courage...good on you for speaking out and asking for advice.

[chocchipchristmascake]

He sounds like your second child. Except his behaviour is getting more immature.

I think you need to get professional help now. The drinking and anger would really worry me and the immature selfishness would make me want to scream.

I'm not surpried you resent him, you'd be a doormat if you didn't, he does bugger all to help you.

[DeathBySnooSnoo]

as soon as i figure out how men manage to override their guilt chips in such a way that allows them to go out and have fun without feeling the slightest twinge of emotion then i'm going to bloody well do it too.and im going to teach other women how to do it.

i would love to suggest you inform your dh that he is looking after your ds for the day then bugger off out for a girly day but if you are anything like me you would spend half an hour looking round the shops before running home in tears to check everything is ok

[Horsiemummy]

thanks guys - im sobbing with relief to have got that off my chest!!

in his defence, his father played no part in babycare so i guess he is just copying the role model that he has in his head. and we are the first of our group of mates to have kids ( we are the oldest couple by a way). so he sees his mates all going out and misses it - but i dont - im still happy to sit in with bottle of wine listening to ds snoring over the monitor .

do you think he will come round in time or am i going to have to have the "big talk" with him. he is also pushing me for another baby but i cant cope with 3!!!

thanks again so much for your replies

[coby]

god only knows what might make him change on a permanent basis, nothing has worked on my DH yet (drastic measures have been taken).

I think 3 children is only a good idea if you are going to be able to cope on your own I guess - why does he want another if he won't take care of the ones he already has for the day????????

My parents were bloody awful parents, I've done my upmost to avoid being the kind of parent they were (as most people in this situation do), so not sure your hubby has much of an excuse tbh

[frostythesnowmum]

My dh is a male chauvenist pig also - you have my sympathy
If it's any help mine has got much better as my ds has got older - he couldn't cope at all with him as a baby.
My tip is to leave them to it on a regular basis eventually it will become part of his routine and he might even enjoy it!
You could also use the other baby card to your advantage and tell him you'll consider it when he does better with the 2 he's got!

[kindersurprise]

Well done for taking the first step in admitting (even if it is just to a bunch of stangers on the net) that you are not happy with the situation.

I agree with the others that you should not put up with his immature behaviour. I do think that you are going to have The Talk, men do not realise things like this on their own.

It is important that you leave your DS with DH and go and do your own thing, get the riding boots out of the cupboard, dust them off and get back on your horse. You will feel much better for it. Would you feel ok leaving your DH alone with your DS?

You really should get your problems sorted out before you start thinking about another child though.

[Horsiemummy]

thanks kindersurprise, im fired up now.

dh is capable because he has ds for 2 hours on a saturday while i work. but as v well put by deathbysnoosnoo the guilt is enormous (how dare i expect him to look after his own son!)and unless ds is fantastically behaved i get a full on ranting lecture about how its a mothers job to look after babies on my return.

will try for the big TALK tomorrow - no good just sobbing to internet strangers (lovley as you all are!!!)

ps. im getting out my riding boots right now and leaving them by the door!!!!

[DaphneHarvey]

Horsie - you have had good advice so far. Makes me realise my DH is not so bad after all, although I am still mystified and staggered by his attitude after 7 years with other people to consider in our family unit. When he looks after the dcs he thinks he's doing me a favour.

My life's ambition is to somehow bring up my son to understand that domestic/ childcare duties are not just women's work. But very hard when I have a dd older than my ds, and dh who is still at beck and call of his mother, who always did everything for him, and still does (ie. iron his shirts, or make him a cup of tea upon request) when we go to their's for a visit.

[Triggles]

I just don't understand this. My DH is great about taking care of DS (1yr old) when I'm out, working, ill, or tired. As he says, DS is OUR son and he is just as responsible for taking care of him as I am. He has had to have words with his supervisor at work a few times because sometimes when DS has been ill, DH has stayed home with him so I could go to work. Apparently that's not the norm, so his work was questioning why HE had to stay home (implying I should have, I guess, which sort of enraged DH a bit ). But if DH was not up to snuff on being a good husband/dad, the first one in line (after me, of course) to tell him off would be his MUM and DAD! Bless them, they raised him well - and they would NEVER sit back and be silent if they saw him behaving badly. And (as I have a 23yr old DS and 21yr old DD) if I saw my child not living up to their responsibilities, because I love them and want what's best for them, I'd tell them to shape up. (And we have to our eldest, as he is currently being a bit of a wretch to his girlfriend and DS - we told him we love him but will not support his behaviour - and we make sure we are there to help her and their DS in whatever way we can.)

What is the reaction of the IL's when they see what your DH's are doing? Or don't they realise it?

[Triggles]

Oh, and YANBU. He is clearly in the wrong!

[Rookietherednosedreindeer]

YANBU at all !

You do have a lot of leverage with the fact that he wants a second ( provided you are not totally against the idea). My DH whilst nowhere near as rubbish as yours, wasn't really pulling his share until I explained that there was absolutely no way I would consider ever having another until we did equal parenting. It seemed to work quite well and we are now trying for no 2.

[mumeeee]

YANBU.Parenting is a joint effort and he should be more involved especially as he wants another child. Tell him you are going to get back to horse riding then set a date and go and do just that leaving him to lok after your Ds for a morning.

[HonoriaGlossop]

YANBU. Certainly, definitely you need to have a big chat with him.

I think I'd laugh in his face next time he mentions wanting another. That really is staggering.

It is not adequate for a dad to refuse to have sole care of his own child to allow you to go out for a couple of hours. I really couldn't resepct a man like that.

You really do need to give him the big chat as soon as possible. I think it's important you spell out to him what you will and won't accept.

And it's up to you what that is - eg some people if they can afford it, might not mind the going out twice a week thing; that's totally personal and subjective; but not taking sole charge of his own child at any point is less subjective IMO!

I don't tihnk this will get sorted unless you takw the bull by the horns though. And please do not get pregnant again until he is behaving like a decent dad