I fell out with a friend in January after she stood me up (sorry this is long!)

[facebookfreak]

and after a long period of silence (after a big row which ended up in my saying something along the lines of I'd rather watch paint dry than be in her company if she couldnt' even be bothered to text me if she was changing her plans when she'd already agreed to meet me: in other words she got a better offer), I finally cracked and sent her the link to my facebook profile. She duly joined, accepted my friendship request and again.... silence. I emailed her work address and asked that we put it all behind us and that we started with a fresh sheet.

After a month or so,she finally replied to say that I was really inconsiderate, I'd been really flaky as a friend and wasn't there to support her 'when she needed me'. Personally I think this is a bit rich since I've had personal problems which she's just brushed under the carpet! I did meet a new man last year which didn't go down too well with her as obviously I did want to spend some time with him then instead of all my time with her. I didn't neglect her though - we still saw each other as often. Mind she didn't like me spending time with my ds(8) either and wanted me to palm him off on other people to mind whilst we socialised. I'm not a big drinker and she is which also seemed to be a bone of contention. We used to go to the cinema a lot which was near her house, so I'd call for her on the way. When she moved, my house was on the way to cinema but instead of offering to pick me up, she said that she'd meet me there!! I did take a holiday with her and her other friends one year but decided not to do this the next year (since there was tension on the holiday) which also coincided with her other friends not wanting to take holidays that year for various reasons (paying mortgages, unemployment etc) which resulted in lots of moaning about people being boring and she'd not had 'a holiday in the sun' for two years .

Anyway to cut a long rant short, her father died last year which I was sorry about but it's not something I can fix. I offered her my support at the time, sent cards, said I was there for her but no response. After an initial grieving period, she suddenly wanted to be out all the time which is understandable but there was no allowance made for other people not wanting to do this. Everything had to revolve around what she wanted to do. I texted her one night about going to the cinema next day, she accepted but I admit I didn't make any firm arrangemetns since I envisaged doing it in work the next day. I was away from my pc most of the day so I ended up texting her on the way home to arrange a time - to be be told she'd gone out elsewhere. Naturally I was furious hence our row.

Now I know it's long but AIBU to think that she could have accepted my overtures as they stood without carping back? It's not all my fault and I feel that she could have met me half-way in re-establishing friendship. I'm torn between defending myself (which will probably re-open the row) or just dropping her entirely since I doubt she'll ever admit that she was partly to blame. I guess that is what I really want - some sort of recognition that she was rude to me. Childish I know.

[Saturn74]

You don't sound like you like her very much, tbh.

The fact that she took a month to reply to your email suggests that perhaps you have both grown away from the friendship?

There doesn't seem much point in wasting energy waiting for an apology.

[Soph73]

Personally, I think you´ve done as much as you can - probably more than enough tbh. I would let it go. Any relationship has to have give & take and it looks like she´s the one doing all the taking. I take it you have other friends?

[facebookfreak]

Yes, I do have other friends. She's someone I got to know a few years ago and we did spend a fair amount of time together for a while. But it did all seem to be on her terms. I just hate this sort of thing.

[GColdtimer]

It sounds like you are on, to coin a phrase, different rungs of the life ladder"! I have found its hard to sustain these kind of relationships unless you have a lot in common and really enjoy each others company.

Sometimes I think we have to accept that we grow apart from our friends. I wouldn't waste your energy waiting for an apology if I were you.

[clarevoiant]

some friends come and go, depending on where you are in life. You go out together lots and it can be very instense for a while, then they/or you disappear off the radar for whatever reason and it slips.

some friends stay around and will be there for you always, even if you dont speak to each other for months. if that makes sense. These are the friends who accept all your foibles, as you do theirs, who are always pleased to see you/ as you are them etc. These are in my mind, your real best friends.

It sounds to me like she is one of the former, so maybe you should just let it go.

However, if she is one of the latter, then yes YABU, why would you still be hankering after an apology after all this time? everyone makes mistakes even your best friends.

[LittleMissNervoustWitch]

agree with you clareV and i think you have to learn to accept you friends the way they are as you cant change people.

My best friend has stood me up many times, not because she means to do it annoy or upset me (she is usually horrified when i tell her she forgot our plans) she is just very forgetful and busy with her children and also Scatty as anything, i just accept that she is this way and laugh about it (and double check and confirm a few days before if i make palns with her)

Your friend may have had a lot on her mind at the time and forgot about your cinema date, however you have been the bigger person and offered her the olive branch, if she doesnt see this then she is obviously not worth the effort and there is not alot more you can do.

[Hekate]

Well, why do you want to be her friend. What do you get out of the relationship. What is good about her that makes you want to re-establish contact?

[facebookfreak]

I think it's really since I've known her so long (since about 2000)so it seeems a shame in a way to lose a friendship but looking at it from an outsider's pov, I wonder why I'm feeling particularly bothered now. Tbh, I'm not sure now what I was getting from the friendship since she didn't like it when I did stuff away from her but the reverse didn't seem to apply .

[clarevoiant]

If you want to continue the friendship, why don't you arrange to meet for a coffee or lunch. Something not too long, where you can catch up? It may give you the chance to say that perhaps you were being a bit unreasonable over your falling out (even if you don't think you were) you may find that she'll apologise too. If it goes ok, then you can arrange to meet up as and when you're both free. If it Doesn't ho to plan, them at you'll know not to bother again