Would anyone else find this weird?

[Dref]

Hello Mumsnetters,

Thoughts on this would be appreciated...

Just had a NCT friend over for a playdate. We usually meet 1-2 times a month and our kids play fine together. Today her daughter didn't want to leave so take that as a sign it was ok regardless of usual squabbles over toys. They are both about to turn 3.

I invited them to my DS's birthday party next month. Today I asked her, just making conversation really, were they planning a party. She said yes, and then asked me questions about how many we were having etc. I said 5-6 kids and she said, us too, and listed them and my son and us are not in that list. I felt really uncomfortable as I couldn't help but feel hurt/miffed. She then said she wanted some tips from me about how to throw the party. I thought inside, don't be wet, say something, so I said "Are you going to invite any of the NCT group (meaning my family/son too) and she "No, because everyone's birthdays are really near each other."

Does anyone else find this weird? Weird that she would even think aloud about her invitees, ask for tips, and above all, for the odd reason for not inviting people?

BTW, she has enough room as her house is really spacious. She could accommodate 10, which is what it would be with the total NCT group too.

Now, I am not saying or thinking we should be invited but I found the whole exchange weird and I felt out of sorts for the rest of the afternoon. I tried my best to get back into a jovial mood, but I felt confused.

What does this mean? Is she insensitive or snubbing me?

I am not going to uninvite her to my son's party as it's one less playmate for him on his day.

thanks

[harderandharder2breathe]

I think it's rude of her to discuss a party in such depth with someone who isn't invited. It's really weird and childish

[Dref]

Thanks harderandharder2breathe, I found it weird and it's something I can't imagine doing really.

My son has hit her daughter a couple of times. Do you think it would be that?

Even if it was though, I don't see why she'd ask for tips from me for her DD party. If that was a real reason and she'd given it real thought, then she would surely have had said something else?

[Purplepicnic]

The general rule is that it's impolite to discuss an event in front of someone who isn't invited to it. So yeah, a bit weird and rude.

[Flisstizzy]

Yes it is quite odd, she does sound insensitive but honest!
I wouldn't be thrilled about your son hitting my dd if I was in your situation TBH, but if she's still coming to your house she can't be too bothered about that.
I would slowly reduce contact if I was you.

[Dref]

Should I ask her if the hitting is an issue anyway? In one way, regardless of the party invites, I'd rather know if my son's hitting was an issue.

I certainly don't feel like I'd be that relaxed in future playdates so reducing contact Flissitizzyy is the only way I can see now anyway...

[dollydaydream114]

She probably wouldn't have mentioned the party if you hadn't asked her if they were having one.

If she hasn't invited any of the NCT group kids, then I don't think you need to be offended or hurt that your son isn't invited. It's not like he's the only one being excluded.

Also, just because she has room to accommodate ten kids, that doesn't mean she actually wants ten toddlers dashing around, plus mums etc. For some people, that would feel too stressful and chaotic, however much space there was.

It's maybe a bit odd that she listed the people being invited - but I suspect she actually did it because she thought you were hinting to try and find out if your son was invited and she wanted to avoid any awkwardness by explaining that she wasn't inviting any NCT people.

I think you might be being a little sensitive here and perceiving a snub where it wasn't intended. Although obviously it's not ideal that your son has hit her child a couple of times, it doesn't sound as if she's too worried about it if she's continuing to bring her child over to play with him, so I doubt that's the reason. I think you're over-thinking it.

[steppemum]

very rude to discuss it if you aren't invited, especially as you just invited her.

You asked, so if you had asked me I would have said
Oh yes we are having a party, but just her cousins, or just 3 kids from nursery, or some such reason so that it wasn't about you.

[user1484317265]

I don't think its weird. She doesn't want to invite just one or two and she can't or won't accomodate the whole group. She doesn't have to.

It's not like you're real friends, you only met because you happened to be having babies at the same time, and now you meet up infrequently for playdates. The children aren't old enough to be friends in their own right either.

Don't take it so personally.

[EmbarrassingBaddie]

I think its odd but sounds more like she's a bit socially clueless than deliberately mean iyswim. Is she suggesting that your children will have had one party together (yours) and do don't need another one so soon after?

[mambono5]

It's fine to invite whoever she wants, but very rude to discuss it with you when you are not invited. Some people are really weird, and have no basic manner whatsoever. At least now you know where to stand with her.

[TotalConfucius]

The only thing that occurs to me, to offset the ineptness of it, is that if all the NCT group children have birthdays near each other, then it might prove expensive in terms of present-buying. Maybe she cannot afford to buy 5 birthday presents to reciprocate those bought for her child.
Or maybe she is one of those people who keep their friendships very separate. Work friends, uni/college friends, baby swim group friends, NCT friends, etc, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

[Dref]

Thx for latest posts. Not sure, EmbarassingBaddie, I didn't probe it as didn't want to make a big deal of it. One the one hand I see it could all be fairly innocent but on the other it really did just feel rude...

Agreed, NCT doesn't translate into 'friends' as such.

In same conversation though, she said , in a joking way, her husband specifically said he didn't want one of the nursery friends there because the mum was 'common/chav'. She then joked 'god we're becoming snobs already...' Again, this isn't something I would ever say as I think it's poor taste, and I just sat there thinking "right, so we are blacklisted too for some reason?"

[ShatnersBassoon]

I'm impressed with how honest she was, actually . If someone had put me on the spot, I'd have blurted out that they were invited even if I'd had no intention of that. She had the option to lie and say she wasn't planning a party I suppose, but you'd probably find out (her 3 year old would blab, Facebook...). She tried to dodge what was obviously on your mind by asking an open question that wouldn't look like her guiltily changing the subject and steered you away from the invitations questions.

No harm done. Your son will be invited to dozens of parties in the coming years.

[EssentialHummus]

It was rude of her to mention- it's hard not to take it personally, even though it probably wasn't.

[mambono5]

You asked her! How is it weird or insensitive to answer?

It's one thing to answer a question, in the line of " we are having a small private party", it's another entirely to ask someone you are not inviting for tips and advice. It's the second part which is rude and weird!

[Floggingmolly]

She sounds very socially challenged if she accepted your invitation, then proceeded to prattle on about her party making it clear you weren't on the list.

[Floralnomad]

If your children are soon to be 3 and you've been meeting up since they were born I would expect an invite if it's not a family only party , unless your children are going to be attending the same school etc I would just drop the meet ups . Who needs tips on throwing a party for a 3 yr old .

[Dref]

zzzz it wasn't like that at all. I was making chitchat and asked her whether she was having a party (they didn't for the 2nd birthday). She ASKED ME how many we were inviting and then said, 'same as us...5-6 kids' and then listed them. that was when I asked about NCT group.

I wasn't off with her. I was friendly but inside felt miffed.

Thanks for all the posts on this. All food for thought.

[Bluntness100]

I think you're being unreasonable , you asked her. She did not volunteer it, she then made conversation round it and asked uour advice, probably to make you feel useful, and she's clearly just having a very very small party, five or six close kids is very different from ten. None of the group is invited.

[Flisstizzy]

OP I wouldn't ask her about the hitting, I would guess that you had dealt with it appropriately at the time.
It sounds like she's made up her mind about the attendees.
Not surprised you feel miffed TBH, try to forget about it.
I would also echo the PP in that it may be rather an expensive time if all the NCT group have birthdays in the same period.
There will be loads of party invites when you DS gets to school.

[mambono5]

Who needs tips on throwing a party for a 3 yr old

When you are brave enough to organise it in your own home, anyone who is hoping to keep it as civilised as possible

[Allthebestnamesareused]

Maybe as a friend she thought you may end up seeing on Facebook about her party and then be surprised she hadn't mentioned it. So it might be that she asked how many you were having and then said us too as a way of letting you know there was a party; by listing her guests lets you know that DS isn't invited but has meant she has been upfront about it, now doesn't have to sneak around with you about it or shy away from posting pics etc.

It is quite possible that she has only invited little girls. I know quite a few mums of girls who did that when they were little and choosing guests themselves but when the girls were older and had a choice they'd include their boy friends on her guest list too.

As regards NCT maybe she hasn't invited any NCT people?

[LillyLollyLandy]

One of our NCT group stopped inviting everyone to her daughter's parties when the children were 2. They're now 5 and she's not invited anyone since. She still comes to the parties we hold since none of us want to be the parent that excludes children. It annoyed me at first but now I think, it's up to her what she does.

Also, we stopped buying individual birthday and Christmas presents for our NCT - Secret Santa all the way here now!