to consider a month's retreat as a break from a demanding household?

[Isabelle112]

It's not just a feeling. I am very much taken for granted at home. We have to manage on my income (which is modest) as DH has a p-t, low paid job and is having tremendous problems finding anything else. I help him as much as I can. One DS, back at home, barely works and though he's motivated to, he's not putting in the effort (is that a contradiction?). His body clock is all over the place and more often than not, he wants a meal cooked for him as I'm about to go to bed. I tend to make it, if only because if he comes down, he'll clatter about and I'll get no sleep.

Another DS, at uni, is spending too much and, frankly, studying too little, too late - often.

I'm exhausted and very anaemic. Have had severe pains. GP asked me if I was under stress. DH was in surgery with me so I made little of it. Didn't feel like saying that I lie in bed worried about money, worried that DH hasn't the got the job seeking skills that he needs (especially in view of his age - isn't easy) and that DSs are a huge worry.

My question is .. AIBU to have sent an email to a retreat centre near my place of work to enquire about a 2 - 4 week stay (for reflection, time to be etc) next month? Retreat centre clearly cheaper than a hotel and somewhere where the pace of life would, I think, do me the power of good. Time to re-charge, to sleep, to let the family, somehow, become more resilient? There's no danger of my wanting to stay away longer - I love DH and DSs but I desperately need some time away from home where I'm constantly in demand and where it's almost impossible to switch off.

[goinglocomoto]

Do it!

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

YANBU - we all need to recharge our batteries at times and it sounds like you really deserve it and need it at the moment. Also it would not just benefit you alone it would benefit the whole family - it would be for the greater good!
Go for it would be my advice.

[Isabelle112]

Thank you, thank you both of you. There's a bit of me that thinks that this may be unreasonable, that I can change things by staying put at home (they are very bad and I'm utterly exhausted) but then I think that a few weeks in a peaceful place would be something that I'd recommend a friend in a similar position.

[Itsmummydear]

Definitely 100% do it for so many positive reasons!

It's sounds like the family is in a rut in various ways and by being away it could be a really healthy shake up and help your family members see things more clearly.

It's a massive plus to put yourself first - we so often don't!!!

You MUST do it x

[oldestmumaintheworld]

I think you should go for six months and leave them to it. Your husband is in a low skilled low paid job and doesn't recognise what he needs to do to get a better one and your two sons are being lazy and relying too much upon you and your good will.

I think its time for you to think about yourself and what you need. I also think you need to allow your sons to fall flat on their faces so that they learn to take care of themselves. You sound very ground down by caring for everyone else and its time you stopped and started asking for what you want and need. I would also say (and I know this will sound unkind) that it feels like you are making excuses for them all.

Take some time away. Get your head straight, get some counselling for yourself and come back refreshed. Most of all come back with the understanding that it is not your job to make them happy, successful, useful people. But also understand that your husband should be supporting you more and at the moment it doesn't sound like he is.

Just re read your post and I'm struck by what happened at the doctors. Why are you not telling the truth in front of your husband? He is not a child and deserves to know how you really feel. Perhaps after a break you can consider how to change this.

[ageingrunner]

Just a minute - why was your husband in the GP consultation with you? You need privacy to be able to tell them what's wrong.
And no you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave the lazy buggers for a few weeks!!

[DarkNanny]

What will you find when you come back ?
Will you feel guilt will you be blamed ?
Personally I would say that they are all adults so do as you will but you already have reservations hence the post tackle those first then go

[AndNowItsSeven]

I can't work out if you are joking or people really would leave their husband for a month because they don't feel appreciated?
You are married , stay at home support your dh. I imagine he feels stressed and low with little self esteem due his work situation.
How will his wife going away for a month solve that.
If you are serious, grow up, you are not Shirley Valentine.

[EverySongbirdSays]

You absolutely should do it and not feel a shred of guilt, and whilst your there, use that time to relax but also to decide what YOUwant from this next phase of your life going forward

[NC1nightstand]

I know this is not 100% accurate but "first be a priest unto yourself " in other's words you cannot help your loved ones if you do not help yourself first!
I hope you do this for yourself and truly recharge yourself, body mind and soul.
Just think of all the little ripples it will cause; your DH will have a renewed sense of self as he will have to take on extra jobs at home, your ds at home will realise all the things you do for him and hopefully bestow these acr s with more value and hopefully your ds at uni will have a bit of a wake up call as well. Of course none of those things may happen. But equally nothing bad will happen, your DH and ds will manage at home and hopefully help out more when you return.
I would love to do something like this at some point so I wish you much joy and peace and quiet!

[Isabelle112]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate them. Just to set a couple of minds at rest - DH is a very capable person - he's had a run of bad luck with job applications/interviews and, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't leave him. But he does put me under enormous (and I mean enormous) pressure to do just about everything there is to do. Even when I'm very, very tired (and these days, that's much of the time). AndNowItsSeven - it's not that I don't feel appreciated. It's that DH and DSs take me very much for granted which I don't think is necessarily quite the same thing!

They'll be fine - they'll have the space to think about the rythms of family life (and they are SO out of kilter now) and I'll be able to breath, and sleep, and (at the risk of sounding pretenous) find out who I am again. Work isn't great - it's cliquey and rather uninteresting - but it's the one steady income the family has and I know that I need renewed energy to tackle it come the new year - and, most important, encourage the family to grow up properly.

oldestmumaintheworld, you're right re the GP. Had blood test today and will visit the GP on my own for the results and a where do we go from here conversation. Thank you for pointing that out.

Waiting to hear now from the Guest Sister at the retreat centre - fingers crossed I can stay for at least a couple of weeks.

[oldestmumaintheworld]

Hi againIsabelle hope you are feeling a little easier today. A visit to a retreat house will do you the world of good. Silence, peace and sleep make us all feel better. I'm sorry if I was harsh about your family, but I know we all like to put a brave face on it and sometimes an outsider sees things that we ourselves have stopped noticing. Take care of yourself

[Isabelle112]

oldestmumaintheworld - I appreciate wake-up calls wherever they come from! Right now, too tired to wake myself up so I rely on others! Thank you. Hoping the Guest Sister can accommodate me but, either way, I'll find somewhere.

[girlelephant]

Something needs to change in order for your mental and physical health to improve. Visiting your GP for an honest conversation and some tests sound like a great first step.

Have you spoken to DH & DC about how you feel? Perhaps before going on the retreat you should explain you're considering it and why. The reason I'm suggesting that is incase you come back to feeling better and then reality kicks back in when none of them change.

I hope it all works out for you

[TiredMumToTwo]

Oh my God, I would do this in a heartbeat if I could afford it and didn't have dependents - go for it, sounds like exactly what you and they need.

[Isabelle112]

girlelephant - thank you. I'd been going to speak to the DCs and DH (in fact, started the converstion with DH last night) because that's only fair, you're right. I won't be far away but being away will ease the pressure all round, I'm sure. Something has to happen. I wonder sometimes that I'm still alive. I have so little sleep and there's so much pressure to do, do, do at home. Hoping that a few weeks' absence will benefit everybody.
Thanks again for your points - you're quite right.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Your husband is in a low skilled low paid job and doesn't recognise what he needs to do to get a better one

That's a bit unfair.

Not everyone can get higher paid jobs. OP has already said age is a big factor.

[OohhThatsMe]

Is it possible for your husband to work more hours? Why can't he work full time?

Do you intend to go to work each day, or have a complete break?

[OohhThatsMe]

Piglet, all that might mean is that the OP's put up with it for twenty years.

[maddiemookins16mum]

Sorry, but I think it will make matters worse, especially if it affects finances.
That said, something clearly needs to change but pissing off on a retreat won't help (although DH and DS need to do something).
Sorry, but it's just madness, who says "I'm clearing off on a retreat for a month", it's like a Hollywood film!! You'll just come home to worse (sadly).