To be suspicious

[justilou]

Can't believe I'm writing my second AIBU in two days....

Anyhow - my mother who has a Narcissitic/Borderline Personality Disorder has been very ill for three years. In my previous thread I said that she seemed to be really enjoying the attention she'd been getting, but as she's been on her deathbed five times, the attention has petered out. (Also people are finally seeing how utterly selfish and screwed up she is). She has just come home from a month in hospital, where they discovered a mass in her brain that is either a tumor or a cyst. She can't have a biopsy so nobody knows what this means for her prognosis. Today she excitedly told me that she had phoned every distant family member, acquaintances and friends she hasn't seen for a million years - out of the blue, announcing that she has a brain tumour and to "Say goodbye".

Is this normal??? I am suspicious that she's doing this because it seems she's getting off on the distress she's causing.

[OurBlanche]

Is it even remotely possible she hasn't ever had BPD and the cyst / tumour has been there for a long time, causing her odd, narc behaviour?

Could you go to a GP appt with er, ask her GP for information based on her need for some support - you'd need her permission, but it could be worth taking one last chance at working out what the realities of this are.

Good luck.

[justilou]

No - it's definitely BPD and the tumour/cyst is new. (She was scanned three years ago and brain was normal in appearance). She is seriously cagey about GPs and won't give anyone permission. The moment they stand up to her or question her, she decided they're incompetent, comes up with a very dramatic story and gets a new one. Because of Australia's privacy laws, it'a going to be damn near impossible to get any information to work with because she's so paranoid.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

What are your suspicions exactly?

[FruJustFru]

I was on your thread yesterday, justilou. It sounds as though she's doing it again - and trying to suck you back in. I do not doubt that she's seriously ill - but she's pushing all your buttons. Sorry.

[Bluntness100]

Yes, what are you're suscpicions? Do you think she doesn't really have one?

[justilou]

I know that there's definitely a mass. My aunt was there when the doctor was talking about the MRI results. She has some symptoms that would be hard to fake - some that shocked her, such as picking up the phone and being unable to hear it as she'd suddenly gone almost deaf in one ear. The physical weakness, etc.... she loves to be grandiose. There's no way in hell she would have faked being too weak to get off the toilet or pull up her pants. I am suspicious of her motives for calling everyone suddenly. I have since discovered that she has now decided that she needs to keep one of the bedrooms downstairs free in case she gets visitors. OMG!!! This is worse than a terrible opera - I am suspicious that she hasn't mentioned the possibility that the mass is a cyst. I am suspicious that if she is calling everyone then she must be feeling better - ergo - death is not imminent. I am beginning to wish I had studied medicine instead of music, or that I had a working crystal ball. Oh well, regardless of her health, it sounds like the mind fuckery is still going strong. Will have to combat that when I get there.

[slenderisthenight]

For goodness sake.

She doesn't have long. So what if she's enjoying the drama. I appreciate that it's irritating but what has it really got to do with you? She doesn't owe it to you not to enjoy elements of this if she wants to.

[slenderisthenight]

You also sound like you want her to die as soon as possible. As someone who has lost her mum, may I suggest you rein in your bitterness if you possibly can. It's not going to go anywhere when your mum isn't here so you may as well try to step back from it now.

[restofthetimes]

Is she diagnosed with bpd or narcissism? Was your aunt there to prove that?

[Thisjustinno]

It sounds like your Mum is dying. I don't think it really matters at this stage if she's enjoying the attention.

[AChristmasCactus]

rest I doubt OP will answer. I asked on her other thread "has she been formally diagnosed?" and got no response. I imagine this is an assumption on the part of OP. It seems something of a trend to internet-diagnose difficult female relatives as having a PD.

[restofthetimes]

It does. Which then renders said relative undeserving of sympathy or kindness- even contact in some cases.

[justilou]

She has been formally diagnosed BPD/Narc by more than one psychiatrist.

[AChristmasCactus]

How would you know that? Has she told you?

[justilou]

Yes... and I went into counseling at a young age to help deal with the many forms of abuse. Regardless.... this is simply me venting because I'm totally overwhelmed with packing up my house, the kids finishing school here and saying goodbye to all their friends, trying to organise some kind of carer for mum so my Aunt can have a break, etc. I'm genuinely worried about how Mum will be physically and mentally. I have told friends in the town Mum lives in that I might need some assistance with the kids if it gets too much, etc.

[restofthetimes]

I'm really sorry you are losing your mum

[justilou]

Thanks, Rest... despite what some of the others have said, so am I.

[Cheerybigbottom]

I can echo your feelings op, my mother has been ill with numerous conditions for 30 years and although some are very serious and recently she has undergone cancer treatment, I have little love left to give her through recovery.
My mother is a compulsive liar and has bipolar also. It's hard to figure the truth from fantasy with her conditions and the endless deathbed dashes. We have family members who are uninterested in her latest illnesses because they are emotionally worn out from supporting her through the years. She only calls some of them when she has new medical news.

I'm unable to invest my emotions in her anymore. Like your mother she relishes the attention and I feel loathe to give her it. It's left me very cold towards her, which is very sad. She told someone our disabled sister had died once and we only found out when we received the funeral flowers.

It's not normal but I suspect it's the only way she feels important so as a daughter I've obviously failed her.

[PosiePootlePerkins]

Why can't she have a biospy? My DH has a brain tumour and its benign. With the right combination of meds he is carrying in as normal. It will cause problems at a later date but it is possible to have a brain tumour and for it to not have any noticeable affect on your health.

[witsender]

I'd be suspicious too...she sounds like an abusive cow. You have more tolerance than me to even talk to her.

[justilou]

Hi Posie - she can't have a biopsy because her lung tissue is so badly damaged from emphysema (she has smoked 50+ cigarettes per day for years). They tried to do a lung biopsy years ago and it nearly killed her then. (I was there - she was in hospital for nearly six weeks) No anaesthetist would be willing to risk it again. The site of Mum's mass is her brain stem. It is affecting her hearing, eyesight and balance.
Cheery - I totally get you with the lying. I have ended up in Australia at least once under false pretenses in the last couple of years. Telling someone your sister had died definitely takes the cake. (Mine lied to cover up abuse, justify weird thoughts and behaviours and hide gambling addiction amongst other things - also when I was carrying twins, we kept their names secret but told everyone their genders. She told everyone that the boy was going to be called Jamie (not remotely interested in the girl). We told her repeatedly that he wasn't. She had towels and sheets monogrammed and as furious when we didn't change our minds!) A lot of these stories are funny now, but we're very hard to deal with when I was growing up.
Witsender - I am really not in contact for me, but for my kids. She has never had unsupervised contact with them and has never been abusive towards them. Trust me, the first time I caught a whiff of it, it would be the last time she saw them. They know she's a bit "creative" and tune out.