AIBU to want a say on what goes on the gravestone?

(11 Posts)
Nevertimeforcake Mon 19-Sep-16 18:07:48

Depressing subject, sorry, but understandably I guess I'm struggling to be objective on this issue...

My mum died in January after 3 years illness. She married her partner of 5 years (she was divorced from my dad) following diagnosis.

Her new husband was/is fine but never really embraced her children (3 of us) dogs or grandchildren (2 both mine). On her death he organised the funeral (as 'they had discussed what she wanted'). My siblings and I were able to add a few elenents of our own but only on asking. It was clear he was surprised and not particularly happy that we wanted a say.

Therefore I'm a daft cow for not making it clear right at the beginning that i wanted a say in what went on the gravestone. On asking (7 months later) if he's made arrangements it appears he got it all on order. There's nothing offensive about the wording ('beloved wife and mother') but I guess I'd like 'grandmother' added and perhaps a quote from a favourite poet or something. Just to have a input I guess since we her children have been around a lot longer than him. She's buried and he will be sharing a plot which complicates it further I guess.

Do I kick up a fuss as sensitively as possible? Or give in and leave be?

dybil Mon 19-Sep-16 18:13:30

I imagine that, if your mum wanted a part of a poem on her headstone, it is something she would have discussed with her partner.

I think 'grandmother' is reasonable though and think its okay to gently ask him if this could be added.

MrEBear Mon 19-Sep-16 18:15:42

I'd offer to pay to have "Grandmother" added if its not too late.

ayeokthen Mon 19-Sep-16 18:17:21

I think he should be open to asking what her children want too. She was your Mum, you have the right to grieve and to be included in the whole process as well. I'm sorry for your loss flowers

expatinscotland Mon 19-Sep-16 18:18:14

I'm afraid you'll have to suck this one up. If she felt really strongly about it she'd have let her wishes be known. I do and certainly wouldn't want someone else selecting a quote for me. It all costs, too, the lettering. As it is, the stone is quite expensive.

ABunchOfFuckingPidgeys Mon 19-Sep-16 18:30:20

I'm sorry for your loss flowers

I was in similar situation, things were strained from the moment Dad died, my brother didn't see it, so after being dismissed when I mentioned a song for funeral (step brother, step mum and her parents all chose one each) or to choose a certain colour flowers from me I was Over ridden and made to feel insignificant, I had accepted that my brother and I wouldn't be mentioned on any head stone, I'd cut contact before the issue occured as she turned very toxic very quickly, my Brother didn't see it coming though and did speak up. Didn't go well though and he cut contact with them all a few months later.

The headstone wasn't the only thing, but it was one of the things that showed we were never really considered a permanent part of Dad's life, by her, by step brother and she's argue that Dad didn't want us mentioned or he'd have made it clear otherwise. That he considered his family to be her and stepson, and my db and I were just baggage. That hurt. It still hurts tbh.

I don't know what to suggest, but wanted to post to let you know I know how it feels and why you are upset. I hope you have a better outcome than we did and can work past it flowers

ParanoidGynodroid Mon 19-Sep-16 18:56:16

Sorry for your loss flowers
You are not being unreasonable. Just ask, but you should also offer to pay the extra. It is expensive.

phillipp Mon 19-Sep-16 19:01:20

Yanbu. However, as crass as this sounds, who is paying for it?

Have a quote added can be very expensive. My grandad actually told us not to add anything like that because of cost. He thought it pointless.

I can understand wanting grandmother added. Maybe ask if it can be changed or added and offer to pay.

If there is a quote you really think she would have definitely wanted, ask about that and offer to pay.

I imagine he thought you may have said something at the time if you wanted input. Whilst it may have been nice if him to ask, you also didn't think to ask him about it.

You were both grieving at the time, so it's understandable.

PovertyPain Mon 19-Sep-16 19:13:33

I think you could offer to pay to have grandmother added, but the verse might be a step too far, so don't get upset if he says no. Don't forget he may want to be buried with your mum and is taking this into consideration when putting words on the headstone.

If you want to put something personal on the grave, what about something similar to this?

PovertyPain Mon 19-Sep-16 19:14:07

I am very sorry for your loss. flowers

FrazzleM Mon 19-Sep-16 19:20:36

How about adding something like this from the grandchildren?

Sorry for your loss flowers. It must be tough having to take a back step when you were her daughter.

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