To feel a bit shit about XP's new relationship even though I don't want him back?

(25 Posts)
MadameJosephine Wed 14-Sep-16 19:25:07

XP and I split up a year ago, it was a joint decision, nobody else involved and we have been amicable ever since. We have a 3 yo DD who lives with me, he sees her regularly and a mutually agreed amount of child support. I am quite happy on my own with my little girl and am not looking to start a new relationship anytime soon. So today he tells me he has been seeing somebody else for 'quite a while' and has in fact been living with her for the last 6 months. He wanted to discuss when and how to introduce her to DD which was fine and we agreed that he should take it slowly.

I'm not really sure why but I feel a bit sad about this. AIBU to feel sad that he has moved on? I guess it was inevitable that one of us would meet somebody new and it has been a year now but we were together for almost 10 years and it just seems so quick to me. It's so easy for men (or NRP of either sex I suppose) isn't it? He has DD one evening a week and one day at the weekend so other than that his life is his own whereas my life revolves around work, DD and keeping up with everything around the house.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself sad

FireflyGirl Wed 14-Sep-16 19:39:56

YANBU.

It's nice to hear that your split was amicable, but this was still the person you planned to settle down with, planned a future with and had a child with. Even though you know it's over, this is confirmation and it's a shock.

Have some wine and cake, have a bit of a mope and then make some new plans for your future.

MadameJosephine Wed 14-Sep-16 19:44:48

Thank you firefly I'm going to stick with brew and cake I think if I have wine I might feel worse.

It is a bit of a shock as even though we've been apart for so long I don't feel anywhere near ready to start again with somebody else and it just makes me feel sad he seems to have put our 10 years together behind him so easily

Champagneformyrealfriends Wed 14-Sep-16 19:46:29

You feel as sorry for yourself as you need to. Life doesn't always go to plan and sometimes that reminder is harsh. flowers

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 14-Sep-16 19:51:55

I know exactly what you mean.

According to a study I read, women remarry, on average, within 8 years of getting divorced. Men remarry within just THREE.

Most men I know have rebounded into new relationships faster than their ex partner has.

You're not irrelevant or being "replaced"... Men just can't seem to function without sex a woman in their life, especially if they've just come out of a long, happy relationship.

MadameJosephine Wed 14-Sep-16 23:01:04

That research doesn't surprise me at all, my XH had been remarried and divorced again before I even started dating again! I was a single mum for about 8 years before I met XP and here I am doing it all over again. I honestly don't think I could be bothered with another relationship

hermione2016 Wed 14-Sep-16 23:11:30

I've just separated from h and this thought has been going around my head, how will I feel when he meets someone else? I think the fact that he hasn't told you sooner must also be a factor.A year is no time at all and suggests he is rushing the relationship by living together.

This is 2nd time around for me as well, both long relationships but I do recall feeling happy in my previous single days so can't wait for that time to come.

Just focus on the fact you have made the best choice for you.

SuperDuperPoopaScoopa Wed 14-Sep-16 23:42:13

I think that this feeling must be perfectly normal! If you don't feel that way, you are either lucky / as hard as nails / ecstatic to be rid of him and now feel sorry for the new girlfriend / something similar. Don't be hard on yourself but see what you can do to help yourself to feel better. Years ago, I went on a course through work that made suggestions about how to view problems / worries / anything that you were concerned or intimidated etc about. The course gave a list of ways to view the problem and recommended that you chose two of your favourites and apply them to any problem etc. TBH, I don't remember to use them as much as I should, but whenever I do, these 'tricks' are very helpful. My favourites, and the ones that I keep using, are ' what can I do to change the situation or influence it' and 'where is my problem on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being death'. When I allocate a problem to a number on the scale, it usually lands around one, two or three and just that knowledge helps me to get things more into perspective. Then I can think about what I can do to change my situation. Maybe you could do with a bit of TLC from yourself and a couple of treat nights out with friends who are fun. Whatever floats your boat and makes you feel good about you! x

MadameJosephine Thu 15-Sep-16 07:23:38

Thank you everybody who replied. I do feel a bit silly about feeling this way so it's nice to know I'm not alone. I've arranged to go out for lunch and to the cinema with a friend on Saturday while he is taking DD to meet his new partner, I haven't told anybody in real life yet as I'm not sure I could do it without bursting into tears at the moment, I think I need a little while to get used to the idea before I say it out loud

Skittlesss Thu 15-Sep-16 07:28:28

Hey it's ok to feel that way. Do you think you still have feelings for him or is it more that he's been able to move on?

I think him keeping the relationship a secret is a bit shitty and that would make you feel sad as well as you probably thought you were getting on and now he has this whole other life he has kept secret. In his defence he has waited for a long time before introducing your DD to his new partner, but I would still feel a bit sad that you knew nothing of this new woman.

I think keeping busy is the right thing and you never know, you might meet someone now smile

MadameJosephine Thu 15-Sep-16 08:41:00

I'm not still in love with him but I'm still sad that we couldn't make it work. I doesn't help that I'm still living in the house we lived in together surrounded by lots of his things. I never pushed the issue of him picking up his stuff because I thought he was living at his dad's and wouldn't have the room for it all.

this whole other life he has kept secret

^^ I think this is what had upset me really. He was in 'our' house with DD yesterday as he picks her up from nursery, takes her out for s couple of hours and then brings her homeh while I am at work and he came out into the street and told me all of this while I was trying to unload shopping from the car so I felt a bit ambushed by it and I'm pretty pissed off now about the way he handled it. I feel like putting all his stuff out on the street and taking his key back but that would seem like petty jealousy now. I will discuss him collecting everything soon though.

PinkSquash Thu 15-Sep-16 08:44:26

My abusive STBXH has started a full relationship including"family" holiday with her, our DC and her DC. I left him nearly 5 months ago, I'm totally reeling from it. sad
He told my DC to not tell me too, it's crippling. I am mourning the life I wanted, happy, fun, and the future I had dreamed of. It sucks.

MadameJosephine Thu 15-Sep-16 09:50:11

I'm so sorry he's treated you so badly PinkSquash flowers. I think my XP has been thoughtless but not deliberately hurtful

Doggity Thu 15-Sep-16 09:51:09

Of course YANBU. It hurts, especially when they are the father of your child. You will always have a connection to him and have feelings around that. My parents divorced 20 years ago. They are now friends and no hard feelings. However, my mum says she still feels a bit "funny" that my dad is married to someone else.

flowers

HereIAm20 Thu 15-Sep-16 11:03:11

Its what PinkSquash says really. You are mourning the life you thought you would have had when you got together and had your DD.

You are lucky things are amicable and that he has asked for your opinion on how to integrate the new woman into your daughter's life and that he hasn't already without your knowledge as you hear that so often on here.

I suggest you try to get to know the other woman too because so often it is when they are jealous of the ex everything goes pear shaped within the context of your relationship with DD and ex.

BestZebbie Thu 15-Sep-16 11:12:48

....If he has been cohabiting for 6 months already, has your DC always been where you thought they were during his contact time, or have they been in a strangers house at an unknown address? Has she been going out one evening a week and one whole weekend day for 6 months to leave them to it? Has your DC not noticed their stuff around (women's shoes etc)?

MadameJosephine Thu 15-Sep-16 11:28:13

He's never taken DD to his house. The evening during the week is 4-7 and he always takes her out somewhere and then brings her to my house. At the weekend he takes her from 11-5 and usually goes to the park and then to visit his dad or his auntie. I asked him directly whether they had met and he said no and I do believe him as DD is a very observant child and would definitely have told me. He's been through similar with me when we first started seeing each other and I waited a year before he met DS.

MadameJosephine Sat 17-Sep-16 11:48:32

Well today's the day, just waved DD off to go to daddy's house where she'll be introduced to 'daddy's new friend' sad. I'm keeping it all very breezy as if I'm taking it all in my stride, hoping if I fake it long enough that's how it will feel.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Sat 17-Sep-16 12:31:05

YANBU.
many men do move on quicker than women, for the most part.
i don't know why that is, but from anecdotes and general reading that does seem to be the way it is.
i think men are less picky than women, tbh. "paper will never refuse ink" as they say. or "a dog will take any bone". <- probably a bit mean there but it seems to me that men are far more indiscriminate when it comes to moving on.
i personally think its the need for sex that drives men into new relationships faster.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Sat 17-Sep-16 12:31:17

YANBU.
many men do move on quicker than women, for the most part.
i don't know why that is, but from anecdotes and general reading that does seem to be the way it is.
i think men are less picky than women, tbh. "paper will never refuse ink" as they say. or "a dog will take any bone". <- probably a bit mean there but it seems to me that men are far more indiscriminate when it comes to moving on.
i personally think its the need for sex that drives men into new relationships faster.

Foslady Sat 17-Sep-16 12:39:28

Also you think of the free time a NRP has vs a RP. And I can't bring myself to walk into a pub alone and order a drink (stupid I know, but it's the way I am), and the disposable income. I know this isn't always the case, but my ex could work whatever hours he wanted, doing whatever job he wanted. All my jobs have been based around childcare needs. I can't afford to go out regularly, or the nice clothes to feel good about being out when I do.
I think it's easier for a lot of men to move on. And it feels in my case as if I'm stuck in limbo.
Like I said I know this isn't always the case, but it certainly is for a lot of lone mums like me

Foslady Sat 17-Sep-16 12:40:46

And be kind to yourself today - it is another bit of emotional crap to deal with

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Sat 17-Sep-16 12:48:27

Curses. Double post. Sorry. sad

ShtoppenDerFloppen Sat 17-Sep-16 13:28:01

My XH remarrying story is a little different.

He "dated" 6 women between our breakup and his current wife. I really hoped that he would be happy with her - even though he was a brass plated bellend, I didn't want to see him live the rest of his life miserable.

Sadly, she is awful. They quarrel constantly, DS reports that the tension level in their home is sky high. She is foul with DS, to the point that it has been over a year since he last visited his father. She would rather DS didn't visit at all, and makes it abundantly clear.

So yeah, I was happy to see him find a new partner, but honestly very disappointed that their relationship is not a positive one.

MadameJosephine Sat 17-Sep-16 18:36:24

alminzer I think in his case he genuinely isn't grown up enough to live alone. He's 41 and has never ever lived on his own, just bounced between different women all his adult life and when there isn't a woman on the go he lives with his dad. In general I think you find that a man is better off in a relationship as he gets things done for him like cooking and cleaning and washing where for a woman moving a man in just means more work and frankly I don't need that!

foslady you are spot on with the difference in the amount of time and money between RP and NRP. Even though he does give me a decent amount of maintainance he still has someone to share his bills whereas I have taken over a big mortgage on a house which is much bigger than I need for just me and DD and I spend all my time at work and caring for her, I even have an extra part time job at the weekend to make ends meet.

Today I did manage to have a lovely day out with one of my friends, we went for lunch and to get our nails done and then to see the new Bridget Jones film. DD is back now and mentioned the new woman briefly but it was obviously not a big deal for her so I'm relieved about that.

Shtoppen I genuinely do hope he is happy in his new relationship. I'm sure it's difficult for his new partner too and I don't blame her for the way I feel, she's just trying to be happy and as one single woman in her 40's to another I say good luck to her. As long as she treats my daughter well, that's fine with me.

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