Or feeling sorry for myself??

(15 Posts)
Kmoggy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:02:28

I posted before about my partner.. And his lack of consideration for my current pregnancy.
I'm 37.5 wks gone and have 11 month twins. Every day he wakes up at 6 for work and wakes me too..my boys are great don't get me wrong but the constant whining, fighting, touching or climbing things they aren't meant to is hard work all day on my own. I have no friends where we live so spend most days just with the kids!
I just feel he's not supporting me enough or caring about me. I'm exhausted mentally by the time he comes home.. There is barely a min in the day where I can get peace and quiet or eat anything alone, let alone get a cup of tea without someone trying to climb up on me to try it.
Sat I lost it with him coz he lay in bed for an extra hr after I got up with kids and then when I kept asking him to get up to help me he just kept procrastinating.. Then today he came in from work, (I'm frazzled, my back feels like it's breaking and the pressure of babies head is making it hard to walk) goes and makes himself some food and sits in kitchen with door closed.. No offer of a cuppa for me, then spend 10 mins with kids and says he's away for a shower( a shower?? What's that? Not had a chance for one myself) I said that I was hoping up go upstairs for a break and he still went and took half an hr. He finally came down at dinner time, I was so upset that he just doesn't care about me just now. So I said he can feed the babies and I went upstairs crying. I pulled kyself together and had some silence for half hr and cane bk to get kids bottles ready etc. Kids go to bed, I make dinner. He takes playes through, leaves them above the dishwasher and leaves all pots etc then goes off to bed leaving me to have to clean up. I feel so upset that he is so thoughtless for my needs and how I'm feeling just now.. No concerns about helping me, I have friends due out and Nov and their men are looking after them and helping them out more.. Plus they don't have other kids! I know it's just hormones making me feel so sad but I just don't get why he can't get that I need some help and he needs to step up for the next few weeks.

Kmoggy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:12:46

It's this sense of entitlement that he seems to have that's really getting in my tots just now. That he deserves to lay about all weekend.. I worked pregnant right up until 35 weeks and still did everything i do now.. Work is a walk in the park compared to being housebound all day with 2 babies!

gamerchick Tue 02-Aug-16 21:23:49

its hard to know what to say. You're not running around after him are you, cooking for him? I'm concerned to how life is going to be like with a newborn and him behaving like this.

What does he say when he can see you're upset and crying, do you ever talk to each other?

Kmoggy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:28:58

No not really.. He didn't know I was upset earlier.. I felt I was prob being dramatic and feeling sorry for myself so never said anything. We don't really talk about things they just kind of fester. He's a great dad I just wish sometimes he'd come in and say " I'll take the kids out for an hr" or how you feeling today? Need me to do anything?
I honestly could stab him just now the way I feel lol! I just feel what gives him the right to expect me to make his meals, clean up after him and do his laundry when he gives nothing bk to me!

junebirthdaygirl Tue 02-Aug-16 21:31:30

That's so mean and selfish. Even with one baby at home you need someone to give you a break for those few minutes at the end of the day. What does he actually say? Is there any way you could just say on a Saturday morning " lm popping them both in beside you here as l have to run to the shop" then run. At least being in the car would give you a break. Don't cry as he is tuning you out get furious and give him a big piece of your mind. I worry about how you will cope with another baby. Is there a local teenager who could come in and play with the babies while you rest? Who is going to mind them when you go to hospital?

Champagneformyrealfriends Tue 02-Aug-16 21:31:45

He's being inconsiderate but you need to tell him. So actually say, "I'm struggling-I'm very tired and you are not pulling your weight." Then he has no excuse. Poor you-this is not what you should be doing so close to having a baby-you'll be exhausted before you've even gone into labour. flowers

Gingeete Tue 02-Aug-16 21:31:46

I don't think this is
Hormones. He is being inconsiderate. I have 2 kids and am 4 months pregnant. Last night my husband came in at 5, fed the food I made them and sent me upstairs for a quiet bath and a bit of me time. I had 45 mins then carried on with nighttime routine with him. You are pregnant but you as a couple have children. He needs to pull his weight and some
Of yours
For this period of time. Tell him to buck up. X

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Tue 02-Aug-16 21:31:59

I'm sorry you feel this way. I haven't been on mumsnet for ages, so I haven't seen any of your other threads, but did you discuss this pregnancy? Was it planned? Is his work particularly stressful. I know it's hard work with small kids and even more so when you are pregnant, (never had twins, but three under 3s was enough for me) but he's not the only man not to get that. He may be seeing himself as being the one who's hard done by here. I assume that you weren't back in work long after your last lot of maternity leave, before leaving again, and he may be thinking that it's ok for some. Here I am going off to work at the crack of dawn, working my butt off so she can spend her time with the kids, doing whatever she feels like today and she begrudges me a shower when I finally get home. The only way through this is to have a real honest talk. If you don't talk, you'll both end up resenting each other. Good luck with everything!

Marilynsbigsister Tue 02-Aug-16 21:39:54

Has he just started behaving like a twat. ? I am guessing he was a great, hands on help when the twins were expected / born. Anything happened specifically to turn hi into a knob jockey ?

TanteJeanne Tue 02-Aug-16 21:46:11

You are both working hard. I don't really like that competitive thing about whose day is worse... But being home alone with young children and heavily pregnant is hard drudgery!!!
You need to talk when you're not at your wits end and explain calmly what you need.be specific about which jobs are his eg loading dishwasher. Say, if he can have a cuppa in peace when he gets home then you get half an hours break (or whatever arrangement might work for you). Make him see how the whole family will benefit and have a nicer evening- if you can just have a break built in to the routine and help with the jobs...

Kmoggy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:51:48

Yeah I know I need to speak up.. I'm just scared it ends in argument, he is really defensive anytime I challenge him about stuff. Like sat for example.. I said about 3/4 times please get up I need a hand.. Then I popped out to garage to get something silly me but I forgot to close baby gate and when I came in one twin was up stairs on landing and other half way up.. I got so scared I went totally nuts at him and he was so defensive bk, saying its my fault for not closing the gate. Which it was but had he been up and not being a lazy f***er then it wouldn't have happened!
No this pregnancy wasn't planned, it was an accident. I don't see how he can feel hard done by as he isn't the main breadwinner in the house and that's another issue in itself. He has no desire to provide for us or better himself to try! I mentioned the other day I was thinking about doing a wee work from home business to pull in some extra money and he was like yeah go for it if you think it's good. Tonight that also upset me coz what am suppose to run the house, all the finances, cars etc, raise 3 kids, go bk to work part time and now it's me that's taking on another job?? I know I sound like I'm ranting but I can't possibly tell this to anyone else, it would only strain the relationships he has between my family if they knew. And my friends don't really bother about me anymore so last thing I'm gunna do is ring them up to bitch about my partner!

chancesareabadthing Tue 02-Aug-16 21:52:09

You need to tell him what you need before you get upset rather than expect him to know. It may be obvious to you what he needs to do but that is where communication is so important. Comparing his lack of action with other dads is possibly unfair as, for all you know, your friends have used whatever way they know best to make sure their partner knows what they need. Don't be silent, good luck and congratulations.

Kmoggy Tue 02-Aug-16 21:59:14

No he was pretty shot when I was pregnant with twins too.. I just don't think he gets it or how it feels to be in the final few weeks. I'm not really a moaner either( believe it or not 😂😂) I just get on with things. He's great with helping with kids I honestly can't fault him there but I just feel our relationship is so crap just now coz he doesn't give a toss about me. He never takes me out or does anything nice for me at all..no baths run or offer to give me me time.. My 1st Mother's Day was nearly a wrote off as we were on holiday and apparently that was my gift spending time with my kids.. Until my aunt stepped in and said you need to do something for her. It's just lack of thoughtfulness and I'm so not like that.. I always buy him things when I'm out or run him a bath for coming in the other day as we had both been up with a teething baby in night! He didn't even say thanks for it or get in it!

TanteJeanne Tue 02-Aug-16 22:20:57

Don't mention Mother's Day. I can't stand it. I always want to escape from my DCs but your supposed to be pleased with a cupcake and carry on like a martyr!!!

GruffalosGirl Tue 02-Aug-16 23:04:10

He sounds like he has no idea what life is like for you right now and isn't really thinking too much. You need to have a really calm conversation with him spelling out what you need from him without turning it into a list of complaints about his behaviour as if you do that he will ignore what you say and treat you like you are nagging or turn it into a fight.

If you don't then when this baby comes it is going to be so hard for you. I would suggest something like "when the baby is here I am really going to need your help. I have been worrying about this but I was thinking that if you could get up every morning at 6 with the twins and get them their milk and breakfast then I will be in bed until you leave for work because of the night feeds keeping me up. How about you sort tea every Saturday and Sunday and Wednesday for all of us to eat at 6pm and I will do the other four nights? Can you take the twins out to the park every Sunday morning for 2 hours so I have some time with the baby? If you Hoover the whole house every week then I will clean the bathroom and do the laundry. We can take it in turns to wash up and you can put the twins to bed every night while I feed the baby".

Hopefully if you highlight the specific things you need in a reasonable way he will have time to think about it before the baby comes and realise what you will need as I bet he hasn't even thought about it. He also cannot ignore it and argue back if you stay calm and refuse to be drawn into an argument about it. Then at least you are coming up with a plan that you can hold him to when the baby comes. Good luck!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now