This is going to be long and rambling, but I'm feeling so lost and I just need to write this down, even if I get no responses.
I had a really strange childhood, and I only realised this a few years ago. My Dad was fond of the 'laying on of hands' when he lost his temper, and that only stopped when at 17 I tried to leave home (I say 'tried' because he came and collected me and promised never to do it again)
He didn't do it again, and we began to communicate in a much healthier way.
To the outside world, I was very much 'Daddy's Little Girl', he did, and does, love me very very much and truly would do anything for me. He's a completely selfless person, and I truly believe that if his upbringing had been different (his Dad was very violent) he wouldn't have suffered with the anger issues. I also believe that if my DM had stepped in (he was never violent to her) it would have stopped sooner, if not straight away.
I realise this sounds very 'Stockholm Syndrome'...
I'm now grown up, with one DS and another on the way, and my DF has been amazing. He's brought us to all DS's appointments, brings him to nursery every morning and completely and utterly dotes on him. He's always offering his time and listening to our worries, and I'm so glad we've got such a grown up relationship.
What I'm struggling with now is my DM. All through growing up she would offload her problems on me. From a very very young age. I remember being 7/8 and her telling me how my older brother was in trouble with Drug Dealers and owed money to them. She told me about how we had very little money as she'd missed bill payments and my Dad had been made redundant. She never actually spoke to my Dad about this though - ever.
She'd also sit and cry to me, telling me how jealous she was of mine and my Dads relationship, like it felt like I didn't love her. I began to feel horrifically guilty even at though I was still such a child.
As I got older I suffered through depression, anxiety and self harming. I turned to my DM for advice and support, she insisted I must have a thyroid issue and a hormone imbalance, because I 'had nothing to be depressed about', she spent 2 years ignoring my requests for help with school, and instead told me to hide this all from my Dad as he wouldn't understand and would be very angry with me.
It turned out that I eventually did tell my Dad, and he was amazing. He guided me through college, sat through meetings with my teachers and ensured I got the right help, he also fought for my right to get medication if I felt like it would help.
I've slowly started to realise how emotionally abusive my DM can be to the people around her. She's forever moaning about her 'needy children', when all we want to do is chat to her. She's recently caused a family rift between herself and her sister by lying about how much money she's borrowed from my Nanna. Again, I knew about this but was told 'Don't tell your Dad or I'll kill you' (such a lovely threat)
My DS has autism, and every little thing is a new achievement, she recognises this by saying 'Oh yes, (other DGS Name) does that too', and whilst that's brilliant, other DGS should be doing it IYSWIM.
I just feel really lost. I thought I had a good relationship with her, and it's only after talking to DH one night (and his horrified looks) that I realised I maybe don't? I feel sorry for my Dad, and I feel horrifically guilty for not being the slightest bit angry at him for how he disciplined me as a child. My gut instinct atm, is that I don't want to speak to my DM anymore. I'm fed up of being called needy and her crying down the phone every time she says she feels guilty for not seeing my DS much because she finds him 'too difficult' then I feel horrible for suggesting they spend time together, as I just worry about how she'd manage (she's relatively young btw, early 50's - no health problems)
If anybody has made it through this then to you, it's just been helpful writing it down.
AIBU to want to go low contact? I think it'd help my mental health to distance myself from her?
I don't even know if she's done anything wrong. Maybe all parents are like this?
Any advice would be appreciated
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AIBU?
To go Low Contact with DM?
11 replies
AsthmaAndAutism · 14/07/2016 22:15
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