To think it's not worth it

[harderandharder2breathe]

I've been signed off work for nearly 2 months with depression. I'd been struggling for several months but broke down and was having serious thoughts of suicide which was what triggered me getting signed off.

I know I probably am being unreasonable but it feels like my work are trying to make being off work more stressful than being in work, so that I'll go back. I've co-operated with everything they've asked, which so far has included 3 different telephone assessments, and a home visit from management. Each one causes me a lot of anxiety and worry and I end up feeling worse afterwards than I did before. I know they have a duty of care and I know they also want to make sure I'm not pulling a fast one. But they've known me several years and my doctor has signed me off, so I do feel like all the "care" is just pressuring me to come back.

After the latest one I feel like total crap, guilty for not working and worried about what'll happen if I can't cope. If I rush into going back before I'm ready it'll be the worst thing, but I feel like they're saying "enough now, you're not dying, get back to work".

I ended up feeling utterly hopeless and wanting to end things. I've not done anything stupid and I don't think that I will, but it's so upsetting to feel like this!

Aibu to want work to leave me alone? They're supposedly trying to help but actually just making me feel worse!

Aibu to just want to give up though? I just can't imagine going back to work and being able to cope, I can't afford to go part time or to give up work (never claimed benefits, don't feel like I'm sick enough to get anything anyway).

[bluebelle2662]

Hi,

I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you're having such a horrid time.

Would you be able to tell your management that you find each visit so traumatic? They might be able to find a more suitable arrangement? They do seem to be checking up on you a lot... I've been off since the very end of March (lost a baby) and I've only seen my manager twice.

It's hard. Sorry I don't have any good advice, but you are not alone. I hope you start to feel well soon.

[Snowflakes1122]

So sorry you're go going through this.
I do think it's a tad intrusive coming to your house and 3 telephone assessments, within the 8 weeks or so you have been off.
I can see how it would make you feel worse.

[Snowflakes1122]

bluebelle I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Blueskyday80]

Sorry your having such a tough time. Are you getting counselling? Your doctor should have referred you to a counsellor and it would be good to talk this through with them. If your doctor has not referred you to one ask them too.
Your work do seem like they are being unreasonable. You could trying contacting the mental health charity mind. They offer practical advice to people with a mental illness.
Try not to worry about your work too much (I know easier said than done). I have had depression in the past and have overcome with some good counselling. It will get easier.

[harderandharder2breathe]

Thank you

Bluebelle sorry for your loss

All the assessments and visit have been in the last few weeks, so very overwhelming as all at once. I did say I find it very stressful and they apologised but still said I have to do it all.