Awful situation with teenage DD, haven't a clue what to do

[PinkPenelope]

Sorry this is going to be long and complicated, I will try to make it as brief and factual as I can.

My parents were abusive physically and mentally when I was a child, and this continued into adulthood, but this was generally on the mental bullying side, and doing things like undermining me with my children or saying things about me to family members or insulting me and putting me down.However my dad has hit me a few times in adulthood.

I have one DD from my first marriage who is now 18. First husband hit me but my parents sided with him and stayed 'friends' with him after the split. I remarried and have 2 more younger children.

3 years ago I went non contact with my parents because we were round their house and my dad hit my little boy thinking he'd put his tongue out at him. DS was 3 at the time. My parents went mad when I tackled my dad about it and they threw me out of the house, my dad twisted my arm hard up my back as he did it and threw me onto their lawn as I wasn't getting my shoes on quickly enough for his liking.

DD1's dad let her keep in touch with my parents (she was 15 at the time) and arranged for her to stay at my parents house one night per week. Then suddenly out of the blue about 3 months after I went NC with my parents DD moved out one day to live with her dad, saying she hated us all, and wouldn't talk to us all for 6 months! I have since found out that my parents actively encouraged her to leave home and persuaded her dad it would be a good idea.

Eventually she started coming home one night a week and was spending the rest of the time between her dad's house and my parents' house. She became a total stranger and was awful to be around.

Then a year ago my dad hit DD1 when she was staying at their house and she was thrown out of their house and 'banned' so she started living between her dad's house and our house, and I really thought she had finally seen my parents for what they were. She said she wanted nothing more to do with them.

However in the past few months they have been worming their way back in with her, mainly by giving her money, and she's started going there again loads to stay overnight and hardly ever comes home.

She has been more and more offhand with us all again and seems to hate us all and has said at the weekend that my parents are putting pressure on her to cut us all off (including her little brother and sister who adore her), and that she will probably have to soon as my parents have said that otherwise they will have nothing more to do with her. I feel like her father is also involved in this.

I feel fucking devastated, but just do not know what to do, and at the same time I have had enough of appeasing DD and of being dragged into this stupid game of her liking it more at other places and cutting us off and coming back to us again at leisure. She seems to only come home now when she wants something, and she certainly has no respect for any of us.

What the fuck do I do?

[Deathstare33]

Have you tried contacting the police? They might put you in touch with people who could help. Do you think dd is being brainwashed or emotionally bullied by your parents?

[PinkPenelope]

Yes I think they are brainwashing and emotionally blackmailing her.

I've tried contacting the police a couple of times before but they've said there is nothing they can do. I guess especially as she is an adult now. Even when she was 15 there was nothing they could do.

[LizKeen]

This is really shit. I am sorry you are going through it.

I am NC with my parents because things were heading the same way with my eldest. Though thankfully my ex has backed me up so far, and has ignored their attempts to contact her through them. She is only 7.

It is my worst nightmare that she would go back to them as a teen.

I think if you make any kind of move at all they will twist it and use it against you. So while I understand you are sick of her swanning in and out, pushing her out or issuing any kind of ultimatum is only going to play into their hands.

I would hope that eventually she will see through them, and maybe it is just a case of waiting it out. Any bad or disrespectful behaviour towards you in your house does need to be tackled though.

[Deathstare33]

Haven't the laws changed recently about emotional abuse? I'd do some research into the new laws.
Your parents sound like very manipulating people. They've obviously manipulated you a lot over the years.
I think that you need to stay as close to your daughter as much as possible. You say she only comes if she wants something. Let her. I know it might feel like your being used. But you need her no your available for her if she need you and you won't be saying I told you so.
You might have to play the long game.
I know it's hard when you fear for her safety.
She's still a teenager though. And teenagers are famous for digging there heels in. If you can't get anywhere legally. All you can really do is be there for her. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

[coco1810]

This is what I would do: Arrange to meet dd1 in a neutral place. Explain how much you love her and will always be there for her but suggest that she talks to an impartial person (counsellor) to help her decide by herself what she wants. Also, can you help her get her own place? Even a bedsit would be better than what she gas now.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I think it is really important that you let your DD know that there will always be space for her in your life. You love her and always will. I would ask her to think about why she is being asked by your parents to choose and how it feels for her.
I have seen half siblings do something similar i.e. you have to chose between our mum or your dad. It is incredibly cruel and damaging. Your parents sound completely toxic and I am not surprised you are NC.

[FlyingElbows]

Think about how long it took you to "see the light". I say that as someone who is also nc after ea. I was over 30 before I made the break. As a pp said you may just have to play the long game. Your dd has been exposed to significant abusive behaviours but at her age she doesn't have the maturity or experience to see it for what it is. Let her know that you're there and you're safe when she needs you.

[mummytime]

I would make sure your DD knows you are always there if she needs you - even if she "leaves for her Dad and Grandparents".
Also if possible offer her the chance of talking to someone independent - preferably someone who knows about domestic abuse/abuse.

If you haven't been open/honest with her before, then do so now - tell her about the abuse you received and remind her of the abuse she has received. Tell her that's why you have broken off contact - and that she has the choice as an adult to choose her own path, but you would prefer she chose not to allow people to abuse her.