TL;DR AIBU in how I'm handling getting some space from an over reliant friend in a toxic relationship who's jealous of my friendship with our mutual friend.
Apologies, as this is a long AIBU.
I've been friends with X for years. She's married to Y, with a daughter called Z (school age). Before Z, X was very sociable, loads of friends etc. One of the reasons we became friends is because she wasn't clingy – just like me. She's always been a very private person who doesn’t reveal her feelings. Y is from a culture where women run the household and look after the kids (X is not). X is expected to always be with Z, apart from when she's at work. Y sees his friends. Since Z was born, X has never been apart from her. She works so hard, her social circle has completely shrunk and she's put on a lot of weight. Z is an exhausting child and – from seeing them interact – I don't think X is happy with Y (X doesn't say anything).
X has been a very good friend to me. I've been a really good friend to her too. I've gone far and beyond what her other friends have. I had some personal issues, but am now ok again. I'm putting my life back together. I'm losing weight, seeing more of my other friends and making new ones, going out more and trying new things. I feel like X's world has shrunk and mine is getting bigger.
Now that I'm ok again, I've realized that our relationship is very one-sided. A few things have happened where I've felt taken for granted and realised that X relies on me too much. One example: when we're together, it's usually in her house while she does her housework and I play with her daughter for hours. X and I don't really talk when I'm there. I don't have kids, but I know that having a kid, working and doing all the housework must be exhausting. But I feel like a helper and not a friend. I always have to fit around her plans. I know that it's hard planning things when you're a parent, but I feel like my time isn't valued. It's got to the point where I dread going around because I know it will be hours of boredom. I've also realised that X is a bit of a martyr. Several people have offered to help, but she turns them down (e.g. I've offered to take Z overnight to give X a break).
I told her recently that I'm planning my 30th next February (so she'd need a babysitter or Y could babysit and she could come alone). She told me that her and Y never go out, that Y wouldn't like her being out late (this would be a local dinner at 7 or 8!) and that they won't be coming. She was very blunt and it was pretty hurtful, given that I never ask for anything and I never put pressure on her to come out without Z or to go anywhere. Her reaction made me rethink our friendship because it brought all my other feelings about being taken for granted to the fore.
Before, X would always send short messages. Since the recent conversation about the dinner, X has been sending me long messages about meeting up (me going to hers, yet again). I've been friendly and polite but have said that I've got other plans and will let her know when I'm around. I feel a bit under siege tbh.
In the last while, I've become friends with J. J is X's friend and has kids. J and I get on really well and have been meeting up. I actually feel like I know J better than I've ever known X. J is like me; a very open and upfront type of person. Sometimes X tells me things and when I refer to them in passing another time, it feels like I've got the wrong end of the stick or she tells me that I got it wrong. J has almost the exact same issues with X and feels that their relationship is also one-sided and confusing.
X is bitching about me to J and asking why I can meet J and not her? But X hasn't said this to me. One of the reasons why is that J makes an effort and we talk. We also do things that X wouldn't do, like go out for drinks at night. J and I feel like we're in a weird triangle, which neither of us is comfortable with. We both feel that X is acting childishly and that X should leave J out of this. It's hard to know how J and I extract ourselves from this. We both care about X, want to stay friends with her, but hate the current situation and don't want it to interfere with our new friendship.
I sense that X is unhappy at the moment with her life and that I'm not as available as before (as a helper?). She may know deep down that she hasn't acted very well towards me. She may also be jealous now that I'm friends with J and am moving on in my life with losing weight etc. I feel sorry that X's living such a restricted and exhausting life and is in a toxic relationship, but that's her choice. I'm trying to be a good friend and be sympathetic to her responsibilities as a parent, but I can't do anything about her life. I've tried to help as best I can to the point where I'm unhappy. I've had to work to sort my own issues out, so I know that you have to take responsibility for yourself and your own life if you want things to change.
I've decided that I need to be happy. I don't want to lose X as a friend. But I want to get back to enjoying my time with her and not dreading it. Looking back, I probably should have put in boundaries with her earlier, but I wasn't strong enough before because of my personal situation. I need to do this now. I've decided to limit time spent with her to what suits me and only see her for a set time versus being in hers for hours. I also want to continue my friendship with J.
AIBU in how I'm handling this, especially as X seems to need support? I'm not sure what else to do. X is not the kind of person that you could calmly discuss this with. She just wouldn't get it.
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AIBU?
AIBU - Need space from over-reliant, jealous friend in a toxic relationship
12 replies
zerosky · 04/06/2016 19:21
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