Custody arrangement, sorry long.

[Mildinsanity]

Just looking for opinions and Im willing to be told IABU.

I split with exdp a couple of months after dd4 (shes now nearly 3) was born due to his infedelity and anger issues.
We remained amicable and had an open door arrangement for visitation.

Unfortunatly due to circumstances beyond my control I have had to move 2 hours away with my DCs and we agreed exdp could have dd4 every week on a tuesday/wednesday as he didnt work those two days and DD4 isnt in preschool.

EXDP then chose to change his shifts so he works monday to friday (we work for the same company so I know it was his choice) and wants DD4 every weekend.

I have said no because weekends are the only time we get to spend time as a family and its not fair on her to miss out on things with her siblings all the time (I work fulltime too).

I have countered with he can have her at his every third weekend friday night to sunday night and come take her out every other saturday (not to his), plus split school holidays.

He says IABU I dont think I am, his mum does all the childcare anyway and I believe thats why he changed his shifts because it meant she couldnt look after dd4 due to her work.

I have said if he disagrees he can go through the courts and he is now ignoring me as I am offering what I believe is best for DD4 not for me or him.
He asked to have her for half term next week which I agreed to split but I havent been able to discuss it with him due to him being unresponsive.

AIBU?

[Greenyogagirl]

You're not being unreasonable. If it goes to court because you can't agree he'll get every other weekend as the courts try and split quality time so you get a weekend each. X

[AgentZigzag]

On the surface of it I think both of you are BU.

Him having your DD every weekend is too much, and you suggesting every third weekend isn't enough, even with every other Saturday (which would be him having to travel for 4 hours (there and back)) to yours?

Wouldn't it be easier to try and come to a compromise without having to go to court? Because to me that would just be going down a shitty slope into hostile territory.

[Mildinsanity]

Thats the thing in effect he is being offered every other weekend, He is welcome to take her out whenever he likes if he wanted to get a cheap b+b and stay up here on weekend a month he can, have her on the saturday and join us in our family plans (like I say its amicable, well was) on the sunday and then the other weekend he can take her to his mums.

[Mildinsanity]

For background he lives with his parents and little sister, DD4 has to share his tiny room and sleep in a travel cot as there is no space for a bed, plus he has had 4 car accidents in the last 3 years (his fault) and I hate the thought of him driving her even one weekend a month.

[lalalalyra]

If he goes to court then he'll get every other weekend and split school holidays. If he was closer he'd probably also get one evening in the week, but that's not likely to be doable with a four hour round trip. You might think your offer is the same, but it's not really. He's getting one weekend in three and then on another weekend he can tag along with your plans if he wants to travel four hours to do so (playing devil's advocate) which is not the same. I know someone who offered 1 in 3 and the judge didn't go for it at all. Every other weekend was ordered and full weekends Fri to Sun or Mon for each parent to do as they choose completely for their weekend.

[wheresthel1ght]

Yabu and so is he

Every weekend is too much

Every third is too little

What is fair is every other weekend Friday - Sunday and 50% of school holidays. If he takes you to court this is the minimum he would be granted and as you were the parent who moved away you may find that you have to foot the travel costs also.

[HeddaGarbled]

Every other weekend would be fairer.

Is the child you are talking about the only one of your children which is his as well?

[Greenyogagirl]

Anger issues and bad driving sound like my ex and I moved hundred miles away and judge told him not to contact us at all, no access nothing so literally anything could happen. It's easier to resolve out of court but if he's not talking and his home is unsuitable and is a dangerous driver you might be better off having cafcass and the court look at it as outsiders for what's best for the child

[HermioneJeanGranger]

The sleeping arrangements are irrelevant at the moment - she's only 3. There's nothing wrong with her sharing a room with her dad.

The travel arrangements - well, you may find that as you're the one tat moved, the courts will order you to foot some of his petrol/train costs. If you believe his driving his dangerous, then pay for him to take the train. But you can't forbid him from taking her in the car - if he has his license and a childseat for her, he's not doing anything wrong.

A court will give him EOW (Fri-Sun) plus 50% of school holidays. If he lived closer, he'd get a night midweek too.

[Mildinsanity]

yes only my youngest is his, my other 3 dcs dad has choosen to move locally to see his DCs when is suits him.

My issue is I have to work 2 saturdays a month but with no set schedule on when so I could potentially end up not spending any real weekend time with my DCs which complicates matters as its a knock one effect caused by exdp changing his shifts (very complicated backstory) so there is some resentment there especially when he has turned down my fair offer of 2 full days a week because his mum wont see dd4.

[Mildinsanity]

but fair enough Ill take the comments on board, Im kind of hoping it does go to court because at least then there will be a plan set in stone he cant rearrange.

[Nairsmellsbad]

Rather than a full-on court battle that won't do either of you any good, have you considered mediation? If the two of you get together with an impartial mediator you might find you could sort out an agreement quite quickly.

[Kariana]

Could you arrange so instead of every other weekend in a set pattern he gets every weekend when you're working a saturday (which would be 2 out of every 4 anyway). Presumably you get a schedule at the start of the month so could arrange in advance.

Point out what others have said here about a court only ordering every other weekend if he's pushing for more.

[Mummyme1987]

Try mediation first

[Mildinsanity]

unfortunatly I find out week to week if Im working the saturday. Exdp is still refusing to communicate so I have forwarded him a link about meditation.

[DinosaursRoar]

Could you put in a formal request to have your Saturday shifts set? I know several people working for organisations that officially don't do set shifts who have made special arrangements for parents with childcare /access issues, definitely worth exploring this option to see if you could get this as a single parent.

You moved, the midweek access was always going to have an end point as your dc will start school. It was always going to shift to her free time being weekends and school holidays.

[Mildinsanity]

Dinosaurs you make a valid point but that is 2 years down the line we had a plan set up that by that point my own buisness will be up and running and therefore Id be home every weekend and evening so I will not be missing out on my time with her.
The whole midweek plan was set out and agreed from the day I found out I had to move so far away, he chose to change his shifts 8 weeks later 2 days before my move so has thrown everything out the window.

[Hurricane99]

The courts will almost certainly send you away to try mediation before getting involved anyway. They are trying to reduce costs and have more cases settled out of courts, and of course it's better for the children and the parents if you can come to an agreement. If he continued to ignore you, you might want to point this out. Even if he stomps off to put a court application in, I can almost guarantee they'll send you away to mediation first anyway