To still be upset that my mother didn't come to my wedding?

(15 Posts)
Vickyyyy Tue 24-May-16 00:28:21

OK I need to start off by saying me and my mother have never really been close. She has always favoured my younger sister very obviously.

I also need to say we did book our wedding at rather short notice. This is the reason my mum doesn't think she has done anything wrong. I asked her if there were any dates she couldn't do, didn't get an answer, tried ringing her for 2 days and no answer so I just booked it. After it was booked and invitations printed and such, she comes back to me that she had arranged a weekend away with friends to Skegness.

She says that once I found out she had plans, despite invitations already having been done and such...deposits paid..etc, that if I wanted her there I would have changed the date.

She asked me how I would feel if she wasn't there and I told her it would upset me but ultimately the choice was down to her as I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. She thought about it for a couple of weeks and then told me she was going for the weekend away. My dad had offered to drive her to Skegness after the wedding, meaning she only missed out on the Friday night and would still have Saturday and Sunday with the girls from work...this was apparently not acceptable. She then decided that it would be easier for everyone if she didn't go as my dad could just bring my sis, her partner and my niece..my sister at this point pretty much told her to not use her as an excuse and that she would make her own way there and back.

My mum has had a few arguments with my (now) hubby in the past but generally they have a good relationship so its not even as if she didn't go because she didn't like him or anything.

Also it wasn't a church wedding as neither of us are religious..just a short ceremony and a few drinks and food afterwards...not a really big deal or anything.

When she told me she had decided not to come afterall I didn't really say anything..honestly I was a bit shellshocked as this came after a long convo where she told me all of her friends were telling her she would regret it and that she should come and then meet them later so obviously I was expecting her to have done that. I guess this is my fault too as I could have at that point started crying or something but thats not me.

On the day, I was seriously upset but I didn't let on to anyone about it. Noone (besides hubby) knows how much this has actually affected me.

Am I wrong to be so upset (and a bit angry to be honest) that my mother chose a weekend away over seeing her daughter get married? I kinda feel I have no right to be upset as its my fault as I didn't make a massive fuss about it..I just accepted that she wanted to go with her mates and that missing one night of drinking was more important to her.

We got married 2 months ago now and its still all pretty raw to me. I just can't imagine missing such a big day for my kids for the sake of a night of drinking. But maybe I'm not seeing it all clearly and I was being unreasonable to not cancel the wedding and change dates to fit round her?

HirplesWithHaggis Tue 24-May-16 00:32:37

No, yanbu. And I say that as someone who won't be at ds1's wedding, if it ever happens.

annandale Tue 24-May-16 00:36:16

It's very sad sad

It's like she wanted you to say 'you MUST be there, I'll change the date for you no matter how much trouble it is' and you wanted her to say 'I MUST be there, I'll change all my other arrangements for you no matter how much trouble it is'. Instead you said 'I do want you there but it's up to you and it's not a big deal anyway' and she said 'I do want to be there but I have plans and it doesn't seem like you are making much of it anyway'. Does this fit with how you normally are with each other?

TBH I do blame her more - she is your mother, she should absolutely have made it a priority to be at your wedding. And therefore it doesn't surprise me that you arranged it without confirming the date with her, and were scared to put yourself out there and say that you wouldn't fix the date without her, or that you really, really wanted her to be there - because what if you had said that and she'd still put other people ahead of you? How painful would that have been? The trouble is, even though you didn't say it, you're still having the pain.

I would think about some counselling tbh, maybe decide how you want to be with her in the future.

KindDogsTail Tue 24-May-16 00:40:28

I think it is very understandable that you are upset, especially as your mother could have missed just a short time of her weekend and then gone on to it after your wedding anyway.

It would be an awful shame if you let it spoil your feelings about your wedding though. It was a special day for you and your husband and nothing she does can change that.

You did say,
I asked her if there were any dates she couldn't do, didn't get an answer, tried ringing her for 2 days and no answer so I just booked it

Did she ever explain why she didn't answer? Was she away or ill by any chance? You might possibly have left it a little longer than the two days to hear back from her, if there is any chance she just couldn't answer in that time.

It sounds though as though you might be a bit happier and btter off just keeping your mum at a little bit of an emotional distance.

Has she done things like this a lot to you in the past?

Ogilvyshoney Tue 24-May-16 00:42:14

Oh OP, your post makes me feel so sad for you flowers
Of course you're not BU, it's absolutely ridiculous that your mother chose not to come to your big day. Doesn't matter if she had to cancel her holiday with friends, it was special circumstances - you are her daughter and she should have put you first. YADNBU

KC225 Tue 24-May-16 00:42:39

Firstly, congratulations. It is sad that you are upset by your Mother's absence at your wedding when you should be enjoying the first few months of marriage. I think your Mother has behaved selfishly and you are not to blame. A weekend in Skegness with mates can be arranged anytime but your child's wedding...... It is not your fault. You should not have to kick up a fuss for your Mother to attend. Did she expect you to beg her? Does she have form for this? Do you need her to know how upset you were by her no show? Could your husband talk to her or maybe to you could put your feelings in a letter.

Vickyyyy Tue 24-May-16 00:42:52

t's like she wanted you to say 'you MUST be there, I'll change the date for you no matter how much trouble it is' and you wanted her to say 'I MUST be there, I'll change all my other arrangements for you no matter how much trouble it is'. Instead you said 'I do want you there but it's up to you and it's not a big deal anyway' and she said 'I do want to be there but I have plans and it doesn't seem like you are making much of it anyway'. Does this fit with how you normally are with each other?

--

Pretty much yeah. I kinda wish now that I had changed the dates, but I'm not even sure if I had done that (and it would have been a massive load of stress changing it all after invites and such are done and all of that) that she would have made it a priority :/

For a long time we have just been..so-so with each other. We started drifting apart when I had my daughter (now 3). She paid little attention to her and took my niece (now 5) out all of the time and still does now. Its always my niece. I don't know if its because she was her first grandkids or not but that sort of stuff doesn't sit well with me tbh. yeah you favour my sis, I get that, but you shouldn't be playing favourites with young grandkids. That upsets me a lot too tbh but I kinda just ignore that now rather than thinking it over too much. I do dread the day my kids are old enough to understand though and ask me why grandma takes X out all of the time and doesn't bother with them.

On the surface, everything is fine. I have seen my mother since then and nothing was even mentioned about it. Which tbh is probably part of why this is just growing and growing inside me. I am worried though that if I sit her down and tell her how I feel she will make me feel guilty. Also I don't really do emotional shit..and I just know I will be a blubbering snivelling mess during the hypothetical convo...

annandale Tue 24-May-16 00:43:57

Which is why counselling can be so great. Go and have thtat conversation with a neutral third party - better than having it in your head.

Vickyyyy Tue 24-May-16 00:45:19

Did she ever explain why she didn't answer? Was she away or ill by any chance? You might possibly have left it a little longer than the two days to hear back from her, if there is any chance she just couldn't answer in that time.

--

Yeah this is why I feel it was my fault in a way...I could have left everything until I had a solid reply from her. We had been engaged for 9 years though and got a bit of a windfall and decided it was the time to do it. She said her phone never showed a missed call or a message. But she is still using the same phone now and it works perfectly fine?

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Tue 24-May-16 00:57:10

YANBU as your mum has been unbelievably self-centred and thoughtless. How could she do this? I have absolutely no idea.

My brother missed my wedding as he had a team event he had to be in, but he was only 18 and has apologised profusely since.

Your mother has no excuse. She missed your big day for nothing. Ok it was a small wedding but it was still your wedding and will always be remembered. I don't know how you have managed to speak to her since. I don't think I could.

KindDogsTail Tue 24-May-16 01:22:55

Even if you could have given it a little more time, these things happen and she could have changed her plans.

You have a lovely 3 year old and a lovely marriage with years ahead of you. If you could get some counselling you could put her behaviour into perspective and have these future years without the shadow of her power games/push-me-pull yous/playing favourites.

I suspect of you try to tell her how you feel she may just keep justifying herself or blaming you, then you might feel even more upset. I don't know what other posters will think. Counselling might just be the best.

Reading between the lines OP, I wonder of you lack a bit of confidence? It wouldn't be surprising after dealing with your mother all your life. Would you consider reading a guide about assertiveness?

Good luck and congratulations Vickyyy. In your mother's shoes I would definitely have cancelled my plans, even if my telephone had not worked, even if I had wished you had given me longer to answer. Absolutely, I would have!

Vickyyyy Tue 24-May-16 01:25:59

Reading between the lines OP, I wonder of you lack a bit of confidence? It wouldn't be surprising after dealing with your mother all your life. Would you consider reading a guide about assertiveness?
-
That could do me some good...honestly, I act confident and as if nothing bothers me but deep down I am soft as muck and its just a front.

I am actually getting counselling soon (for something else..basically its about dealing with chronic pain) so I would expect I could chat about this too...I doubt I will be limited to one subject.

But yeah, I am lacking confidence. Not sure if its anything to do with my mother or not though but I know I am different now to what I was years back..I just assumed its because I am older.

ample Tue 24-May-16 01:34:51

It was a weekend away in Skegness, not a swanky Paris vacation. Short notice or not, if she had wanted to be there she would have. End off.
Do try to stop feeling that it's all your fault. You said yourself there were issues between you, long before that phone call.

I agree that going to speak to someone third party is much better than having it stewing in your head. You'll feel better for it. You don't want to be starting married life and raising your DD while harboring a similar bitterness or indifference which your mother clearly had/has.

ample Tue 24-May-16 01:38:33

End of, even

And I forgot to add my YANBU

ohtheholidays Tue 24-May-16 01:52:38

YANBU we had the same for our wedding except it was my Mil and Fil that didn't come to our wedding,it was shorter notice than a wedding usually is,but with good reason I'd become seriouslly ill and disabled so we couldn't book anything to far ahead incase I was to ill or rushed into hospital again.

My DH's Mum and StepDad had booked time off work and were going on holiday to see some friends,it wasn't abroad and honestly they could have shifted things around by a day and came to our wedding.

But DH's Mum isn't really at ease with people she doesn't know(which would have been alot of my family)and an Auntie and Uncle of my DH's were coming to the wedding(from my DH's Dad's side of the family)and I think she was worried his Dad and new wife would be there and the spilt between his Mum and Dad wasn't good to say the least.

I was sad at the time,but not so much now,my DH was sad at the time but I didn't know that and he didn't show it.But our relationship is still good,we see each other once a year(it would be more but it can take over 5hrs to drive to where they are) and they're always happy to see us and were always happy to see them.
They love our 5DC,my DH and me and we all love them both and that's all that really matters now.

But I completely understand why you'd be so upset,it's your Mum and she should have been at your wedding and I bet she does regret it OP.
I hope you had a lovely wedding day inspite of her not coming to the wedding flowers

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